Forget me lots (Completed)

21. Dawn 🍃

Tiptoeing my way inside the living room, I pray Mom won't hear me sneaking in. I've texted her earlier to let her know I'd be studying with Stormy.

Part of me feels bad for lying, the other half knows better. It's that or letting her in my messed up world, where Dad used to talk to me but now doesn't. Where I've been forced to realise I need to let go of River if I want my father back in my head.

It's not like I have a choice. I can't live without his voice. The mere thought of making it through the rest of my days without him is enough to shred the tethers that are holding my precarious sanity steady.

Stalling the inevitable moment is not an option anymore. I'll have to say goodbye to my boyfriend this weekend. Time is ticking to an end and the pain in my chest from the absence of Dad is unbearable. I'm having trouble sleeping and riding my whirlwind never seemed so tempting. Yet, I force myself to remain in the now. Caged inside these bones that won't stop hurting. Every nerve ending is aware of my impending choice, triggering my anxiety to the roof.

On top of that, there's also Mom. Her constant worrying-about-me edge. How do you tell your mother you think you've gone too far? How do you confess you are afraid of the darkness building up fast inside of you? How do you explain how it eats your organs one by one until you are nothing but an empty carcass? Bones against concrete, moving past the crowds of bystanders, wearing nothing but teal ragged mementos of a life that should make sense but doesn't anymore. Easy. You don't. She'll think I'm making shit up.

I almost make it to the staircase when her voice finds me.

"Hi, sweetheart. How was the study session with Stormy? Did you guys make progress?" I turn to face her wearing my best all-is-well-no-need-to-worry mask, hoping it won't slide off and shatter in front of her fluffy slippers.

"We had a good session, Mom. I think we'll be ready for exams in no time."

She looks pleased, which breaks my heart. I excuse myself from dinner, faking a headache so I can be alone in my room. Clover follows me upstairs, and by the time I close the door, I'm having trouble breathing.

I toe off my snickers and plop on my bed with my gaze fixed on the ceiling until my eyes become watery and everything turns blurry. I close them and try to even my breathing, counting backwards all the steps I took from the driveway to my bedroom.

A hundred and forty two steps ago, I was in Rivers' arms. His face was a constellation then came those eight words: I think I love you, Dawn Gray Brooks.

It was movie-lovely. It felt epic and fragile, and I wanted the moment and the night to last forever. I stood there, with another eight words to say back to this boy that means so much to me. But what good would that do? I held on to his gaze, pooling warmth from his lashes. If only I could keep him by my side... If only I could change this chapter of our story.

I wanted so many things to happen, but he kissed me and rode off without a second to spare.

I'm alone now. The air coming through the window smells like gravel and things I'm not saying. Clover hops on the bed and rests her head on my leg. I place my hand over her fur, patting her like she wants me to. I cup her muzzle and realise my fingers fit perfectly around it. Of all the things that are changing around me, this stays the same. The connection I have with her, and the way pieces of me fit with pieces of her.

My cell buzzes. It's River. He wants to know if I'd like to wander some more tomorrow. I say yes. I've got nothing else to do but count the hours left until I see him again for the last time. Maybe Dad will understand why I need one final adventure with my watery boy...