The Break

The End of 2019

December 15th, 2019

8:30 pm

Here we are again, another diary I might not finish. Mostly, because I disliked the story, terrified someone I know would read it and hate my thoughts. I've been struggling for a while now. Especially, with how I handle my emotions, my relationships with my boyfriend and even with my family. I've been living a life controlled by others and their expectations of me. It's as if I am not enough for others or even myself. I need something to get my heart out and to understand my thoughts.

A great example is how I am unable to have a conversation with my boyfriend without him doubting, getting upset, or me white lying to keep fights at bay. Like tonight, I had my final work shift before leaving for my internship in Ottawa. We've been fighting over the littlest things and found out on our last night together he'll spend it drunk. Again. Pissed off, I need to take a break after work and have dinner on my own. Since he's not going to make dinner because he doesn't want to ruin his "buzz" by eating. Now, Brian is hitting up my phone halfway through his booze, calling me a liar because I didn't tell him the truth of where I was. Yes, it's true, I lied. But, for a good reason. Well, the same reasons why I lied in the first place for him not to freak out and blaming me for everything is wrong in our relationship. Especially for leaving him behind while I'm going to Ottawa. He enjoys using this as leverage and to "scare" me into believing he'll break up. Yet, he doesn't. I know he won't, but I'm starting to think maybe I should. Anyways, here I am two sangrias deep at a restaurant alone and trying to escape my boyfriend's drunken raft or more so readying myself for it. Only by looking at my phone, I know tonight will be a rough time.

Honestly, I'm so happy we're going to get our own space starting tomorrow. I still need to pack up, and now, with everything going on, I almost think I might need to pack all of it, which is most of my apartment. Brian doesn't help out much either; he hates it when I say it, and he makes sure to deny it. I'm sorry, but when has "doing the dishes once in a month," became helping out? But, that's wasn't always the case; it was great until his drinking when out of control. Sometimes, it feels as if I'm sharing him with another woman named Alcohol. When we were seventeen, I never knew that nearly eight years later, we would be here. I had bigger aspirations for us. Much bigger. Now, as twenty-four-year-olds, we're not almost close to what I dreamed our, or more so my life would've been. I thought we would be married and soon to having our first child and buying our own home. It's not the case, especially when you take a look at our crummy basement apartment. At the very least we don't live at our parent's house, that's a pointer for now.

Maybe that's what my problem, I'm too positive. Well, in real life. I'm the annoying optimistic person, but I wonder if it's not because that's how I cope with all this bullshit that's happening in my life. And, now I can't keep it all in. But, tomorrow, it's a new chance, and I'm not letting anyone control my life in any form or shape anymore.

11:37 pm

I haven't started my packing what's so ever, and I am leaving tomorrow. Instead, I am enjoying the film Fantasia. Yes, Disney + is distracting me and more ways needed, and writing again. I now realize why I loved writing so much when I was in High School before my parents found my diary and shamed me for it. Privacy isn't something I know very well... I think that's a story for another day. Now, I'm debating on whether to start packing or wake up early and do it? Like so, Brian won't be the way or disrespecting me because he is upset I'm leaving. This is why it is so confusing for me to stay with him as Brian changes on a dime. When I came home from dinner, Brian was upset (duh, did you see the texts Mary?), then after a few minutes of not talking, he apologized for his behaviour and actions. An hour later, I asked him if he wanted to spend some time together before I go?

"I am on Brian's time tonight. If you wanted to spend time with me you wouldn't leave me during Christmas and then for the four months in Ottawa." and closeted himself in our computer den. Clearly, guilt-tripping me for trying to get a better life for both of us. Each time I ask Brian

"Are we on the same page? Do you want this for us? Here's what I want, what do you want it too? Can we compromise?", all he replied was,

"Yes, I want all of the same things." Yet, he doesn't work towards 'our' goals or even simply get help for his addiction. What is he waiting for? I know addiction is hard, I see it with my own eyes. But, is there a way to cut the cord between us without him spiralling? Or, me staying because of being guilted by my personal faith in staying with him? It is very hard as Brian and I got pregnant when I was eighteen-years-old. The loss of my child was devastating, yet here I am afraid to leave His father, because, what if everything could be fixed between Brian and I. Like that we could give Him an opportunity to come back. I know it's stupid, but it is one of the reasons I am still with Brian. Another reason is that we've been together for eight years, I do love him. Brian is my best friend, well the only friend that truly knows me. But, is it more friendship or true love? That's what I don't know. I don't know If I could spend the rest of my life with him. I really need tomorrow morning to come sooner, and leave this place. Maybe, even experience life without being dependent on Brian. It is upsetting to realize how dependent of him I am, and him of me. We're so toxic. It not even funny. I fear if we continue in this direction, one or both of us will die from this relationship.

December 16th, 2019

9:27 pm

Finally, this day has come, and I'm home for the holidays. I know my parents will be making me work for most of the week. Quite frankly, I'm alright with that, as I won't be arguing with anybody for the time being. It's a nice change. I'm excited to spend time with my family, who's coming from Quebec to the beautiful cottage in the Muskoka's we've rented.

December 25th, 2019

Brian was supposed to come for a visit. Although, he changed his mind saying I wasn't making any efforts to see him or his family. Why would I want to? Especially when he wasn't making an effort to stay sober or even spend time with me on my last night. So, I simply told,

"he well isn't that a change?" and hung up. We haven't talked since, and I'm not going to apologize. As I have nothing to apologize for anymore. I'm tired.