Suffocating [SonTails]

Chapter 1

You worry about people paying too much attention. You've done a good job of portraying yourself as a touchy-feely kinda guy, but sometimes you still slip up. Sometimes it's hard to hold back. It builds in your chest, all these feelings, with no proper outlet. They build like a gust of wind, ready to blow everything away. But you hold back. You weigh it down, and they weigh you down in turn. Sometimes you think it's easier to just let the wind howl.

But you don't.

You can't.

This isn't some romance movie where the girl who fell in love with her best friend gets to live happily ever after. You wonder if that ever happens in real life.

You wonder if maybe one of you was a girl if it would work out like one of those movies. It would be so much simpler if it did. But you feel bad thinking that. You know how much Tails hates when someone points out how he sometimes looks a little girly.

That's probably why you don't like romance movies. They just serve to remind you of what you can't have.

But that just makes you more grateful of what you do have. You have his unwavering friendship and loyalty, and he has yours. You make sure he knows how much he's appreciated, how much you appreciate him.

You hate how the media decides to gloss over him in favor of you. They don't realize just how essential he is to a plan working out. That's why you try to go out of your way to tell him how good he did, how smart he is, how useful he is. How amazing he is.

Even if the media did notice how amazing he is, you'd still worry. Would they figure out how you feel? And if you were together (a hidden fantasy you try not to think about) what would they say? It's something that gives you needlessly anxiety. Tails being a guy would be the least of your problems. He's still five years younger than you. They'd say you groomed him. (Sometimes you can't help fearing that you unintentionally did.)

Tails asks you about Amy once. You panic. You lie. You're scared. Logically, you know he wouldn't think any differently of you if he knew you liked guys, but you're still scared of the slim chance. You make up a lie about wanting to stay free like the wind. About worrying the rumors will gain a life of their own. But you're just a dirty liar.

Sometimes it's fine, but other times it makes you feel sick. How could you just lie like that? He trusts you with his life yet you lie to him.

You try to push those thoughts out of your mind. Ignore the wind collecting in your chest. You try to enjoy the moment. A quiet bit of respite from everything. Just the two of you.

It's times like these that you like that you're generally a touchy-feely person. Your friends don't have a problem curling up next to you when watching tv or movies. Specifically, you like when Tails does it. Especially when it's just the two of you.

That's when you can let yourself pretend. Pretend that nothing matters. Pretend that you're something more.

It's easy when Tails is half laying on you. The feel of his fur against you is intoxicating. You love it. (You hate yourself.) Just the two of you enjoying your time together. Together in spite of the world.

You feel him shift, press a little more into you. You feel your heart leap. The wind build in your chest.

He shifts again and you've completely lost interest in whatever you're watching. You bask in the feel of him. How relaxed he is around you. How comfortable he is around you.

Another movement and he's practically on top of you. You want nothing more than to grab him, hold him, and never let go. You restrain yourself. The rush of emotions threatens to overtake you. You hold it back. You ignore how holding back the whirlwind steals your breath. How it feels like you're suffocating despite all the air.

"You okay, buddy?" You ask in an attempt to regain your breath. "You're being a little clingy tonight." It tastes wrong coming out of your mouth.

The bitter taste turns sour when Tails completely moves away from you. "Oh… uh. Sorry," he says practically curling in on himself.

You try to reassure him, tell him it's fine, but hesitate. Does he suspect anything? Is he uncomfortable because you let him lay on you without his realization?

You feel the exhilarating whirlwind in your chest turn vicious. He has to be uncomfortable. You never let him get this close when your other friends are around. He probably noticed. Why else would he be so hunched in on himself? Why else would his ears be so flat? His gaze trained on the floor.

"You sure you're okay, buddy?" You ask, hoping to fix your mistake.

He nods, not looking up.

"Stop lying." The whirlwind gets more violent. Hypocrite, it screams as it steals all the air from your lungs.

"I'm fine," he says looking up but not quite meeting your gaze. "I'm just going to hang out in my room for a bit. Read a little."

He smiles at you. You feel your chest tighten. That's the smile he uses on Amy and Knuckles when they accidentally insult him.

You look away, unable to face that smile. You never thought you'd be the recipient of it.

You hear him walk away and it's like you suddenly can't breath.

This was supposed to be a simple night in. A nice night in. Instead you ruined it.

You leave the tv on and go for a run. It's the closest you can get to appeasing the whirlwind in your chest; matching the wind around you to the wind inside you. You only wish doing so could help you breathe.

You've found recently that it's gotten harder to breathe around Tails. You wish you could show him how amazing you really find him, but instead you run. You run to clear your mind. To make yourself too tired to think. To tired to fantasize. To tired to breathe. Not like you could breathe easy to begin with. You're tired of suffocating, but it's the burden you've wrought.

So you run and you smile and you lie and you suffocate.