≯͍̖̜͚̌̍͋̇̀̾ ̷̨͉͎̬̘̓̃̀D̸̗̅͆̽̏̈́̍ȧ̴̤̋̚͝v̸̨̝̙̝͎̔͗̈e̴̳͘ͅ:̶̢̮̹̥̱͉̱͆ ̶͈̰̃̚G̸͔̯̐͆͌̂̄̂͝o̵͇̞͈̗̒͆̆ ̸͕̭̝͎̈ö̸̱͍́́̉͂͋̕͝n̸͓̗̲͇̹͍̭͑̓̓̈͛͌l̶̻̤̓̂i̸̧̢̥̖̠̻͗̿̇̄̍͠ṉ̷͎̘͔̭̖̑̏͑́̔͛̕ẹ̸̼́̇͂̉̽͘͝ ̴̡̯̇͋͋̊̃̃̈́a̶̞̕ņ̴̟͊͋ḑ̶̏͝ ̴̢̛͈͊̓̓̈̂̓͜v̶̛̘̠͖̉̋̐̏́́î̴͕̳͕͈̫͎͎̓̆̓͠͠e̶͇̭̟̣̓̅̏̈́̅͋w̴͓̟̘̻͚̦̘̽ ̷͕̖̯̹̟̀̎̓s̵̖̰̜͑̋̇̔͘͘ͅī̴̯̙̖̳̩͑t̵̞̜͚͕̱̖͔̊̕e̵̡̍̒̋̋̌̎ŝ̴̳͚̀͒ ̷̢̧̼̲͒̋͛ͅi̸̹̔͑̄͗͝n̴̗̗̝̖͈̙̥̿̓d̴̞͔̔̽̂̃̿̄͝i̸̗͎̊́̄̽̒̈́c̴̡̟̤̬͔̃͌͋͋̚̚͠ȁ̴̢͇̫̑͐̄͝t̶̩̓̆̍̇̊̌͠i̸͖̤̭͚̫̟̮̐͑̿̈̒v̶̛͈͚e̸̢͈̚ ̵̘̙̖͛́̔̎̚ő̸̧̻̳͔̙̃f̵̬̖̠̾͝ ̶̨̭͚̳̪͙̯̓̎̈́̂͛͘y̵̢̗̥̹̔͆̓̑́͝ͅo̷̙̪͔̤̦̔̍̕͜ͅŭ̷̜̀̈́͠r̶̡̫̖̤͌̓̈́̇͛͜ ̴̝̞̼̙͈̾͌̍͠͝ͅî̵͕̤͙̘̈͌̈́n̵͈̫͊͛t̴͔̬͕̖̫͍̟̽̍̏͂͛̑͗ę̸͚͇̉͑r̸̡͓̼͓̫̿̽̆e̷͙͖͇̲̼̭͓̒s̷͓̲͗̇̿͘t̵̛͚̩̼̜͚̠̍̅͛̀s̴̡̠̻͕̺̔͛̐̅͌͆͠.̴̢̹̯̙͔͆͠͝
You open the HEPHAESTUS web browser and direct it to your ironically maintained blog where you post monthly satirical reviews of GAMEBRO MAGAZINE. Your latest post is a review of the MARCH ISSUE.
You've been meaning to write a review for the latest issue too, but you've been sort of dogging it. Something about the game they're reviewing just doesn't strike you as ripe for satirical purposes.
In a new tab you open another one of your sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of your blog. It's called SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.
You have legions of devoted fans, most of whom are totally convinced of your creative persona's sincerity. Which is just how you like it.
You figure as long as you're chilling at your computer you might as well see how that new MSPA story is going. You haven't looked at it in a while.
After a while of trying to find where you left off, you decide to save your place and check back later.
Even though the adventure began recently, it's already over 3000 pages long. You just don't have time for this bullshit. You'll catch up later.
Besides, it looks like someone's pestering you. You're pretty sure you know who it is.
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Show Pesterl̵̩̺̭̺̻̙̆́͜o̶͚̽̀͆͗̍̓͠g̸̦͙͓̟̾͒́͋͆͐
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TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect.
TT: Either that, or flagrant homosexuality.
TG: what oh no
TG: no look
TG: im busy ok
TG: ive got a lot of shit on my plate
TG: i am sort of a big deal ok?
TT: I know.
TT: Sometimes I wonder how you are ever allowed to pay for meals in restaurants.
TT: It must be hard to keep a low profile when you're always overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that guy who has a blog."
TG: seriously
TG: dudes be worshipping me left and right
TG: i cant hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of the prostrate
TT: Navigating the urban landscape I'm sure is difficult enough without an obstacle course of deferential flesh and skyward asses.
TT: Perhaps adapting the art of parkour to your unique environment would help?
TG: yeah!
TG: i mean damn
TG: like theres this scruffy little shit at my feet
TG: an orphan or something i dont know
TG: face flush on the pavement
TG: im like dude you listening for a stampede of buffalo or something?
TG: he braves a look at me then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off
TT: Heavy is the crown.
TG: yeah
TG: not kicking oliver twist in the fucking face every day is my gift to the world i guess
TT: Breathtaking magnanimity!
TG: among other things
TG: i just give and fucking give
TT: Indeed, nary a jewel tumbles from your wishbox of daily exploits which I imagine does not sparkle.
TG: oh for fucks sake
TG: youre just lobbying for me to play that dumb game
TT: Baseless accusation!
TG: look i am telling you
TG: egbert is ALL ABOUT that game
TG: he will play it with you and probably be tickled retarded about it
TT: I know this very well.
TT: I cannot hasten his mail's delivery, however.
TG: yeah yeah
TG: ill hassle him some more about it
TG: and look how about this
TG: if you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then ill play
TG: will that make you happy
TT: More than you know.
TT: It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.
You switch over to pester John.
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Show Pesterl̵̛̬͋o̷̘̽̍g̷̱͇̀
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TG: is it there
TG: plz say yes
TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it
TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her
TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything
EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you.
TG: thank you
EB: jk haha.
EB: no, i don't have it yet.
EB: my dad has the mail and i guess i have to go get it from him and see if it's there.
EB: what's your modus by the way?
TG: hash map
TG: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome
EB: what the hell is that?
TG: you should probably brush up on your data structures
EB: i guess.
EB: and about your Bro...
TG: what about my Bro? did you find his awesome smuppet site?
EB: i dunno if this is a side-effect of all the weird shit that's been going on today, but just... be careful around him. alright?
TG: what the fuck dude
EB: i have a really bad feeling. like maybe something bad is going to happen to you around him. i dunno. ive been having deja vu so much today, and i havent been wrong yet. just trust me, please
TG: fine. ill keep an eye out i guess
EB: thanks man
YOU ARE READING
SCRATCHED (Failed!Scratch Homestuck AU)
FanfictionI got the idea from a really fucking cool TikTok by @space._.cadet. I do not own Homestuck. All characters seen in the web comic are owned by our lord and savior Andrew Hussie.
