Always

thirty-eight

L U N A
"I haven't been sleeping,
just stare at the fan all night, and wait it out."

Numb.

That's how I felt as I slowly walked down the busy streets of New York City. Strangers bumped into me and I didn't even care to respond to their apologies or insults as I stared straight ahead. I could feel my phone constantly vibrating in my pocket but I couldn't care less about it right now.

I couldn't really bring myself to care about anything anymore.

The sky was darkening and the air around me was getting much more chillier as the night deepened. The littered streets slowly began to the less and less crowded and even with the sun completely set and dusk approaching, I didn't turn around. I just couldn't bring myself to walk back home.

Home.

Just thinking of that word made bile rise in my throat. A bitter feeling settled in my heart as I thought about it over and over again. For so long, I had forced myself to accept that the Hudson's house was now my new home, even on days where it didn't feel like it.

And even before I was adopted, the optimistic side of my heart always tried to build a home wherever I went—whether it was the countless orphanages, shelters or adoption centres, I always tried to comfort myself and remind myself that I was home.

The Hudsons were an amazing family—the most caring, affectionate and loving family. And I remember, the second I stepped through their doors, I was wrapped in a blanket full of love and happiness. I was so, so happy because it felt like I had found my forever home for the first time ever since mom left.

But how foolish was I to even hope for a second that I had found my forever home in the Hudson's. How foolish was I to believe that those moments of love and happiness would ever last. How fucking foolish was I to dare to hope.

"Mom!" A loud giggle followed the high-pitched voice and my eyes snapped up, instantly falling on a little girl trying to run away from her mother's embrace.

Giggling, she sprinted away, turning her blonde head to look back at her mother who was standing there with her hands placed on her waist, a soft smile playing on her lips.

The kid ran closer to me and upon noticing how her mother was following her, instantly hit behind me, her tiny hands gripping the bottom of my sweater tightly. She continued to snicker as she hid behind my legs and my heart instantly warmed at the sound of her angelic laughter.

"Annie!" I looked up and saw her mother standing before us, a stern look in her eyes although the small smile on her face gave her away.

"I'm so sorry." She spoke, her eyes lifting up to meet mine. The second her eyes fell on me, it was like something inside me flipped because the smile on my face was wiped off in an instant.

The little warmth in my heart upon seeing the little girl instantly vanished, and my heart was blanketed with nothingness.

"Annie can get really-" she started, trying to explain herself but I cut her off, forcing a smile on my face.

"It's alright." Her face instantly lit up with a wide smile and she gestured to her daughter who pointed but let go of my sweater anyways before making her way over to where her mother stood. I watched silently as she gently picked Annie up and balanced her on her hip.