My First Love ♥

Chapter One - The only chapter lol

(I've included one of the songs I was really vibing with while writing) 

This is a short tale of my first love, :3

(Ps, this is just mainly for me to get it off my chest, so you don't gotta actually read it that seriously.)

In the first year of high school, I got to know this boy. We had been classmates the year before, but I never really noticed him, until one day in Spanish class, the teacher assigned me to sit beside him, since I was top of the class and he was failing.

 I was never really good with talking to people, or making friends. I was resigned to doing everything by myself, I didn't need friends, and I especially didn't need any high school romance, but this boy helped change my views on love. 

The first day I sat by him, he instantly started up a conversation. Me, in my immense awkwardness, had no idea what to do or say. Right when I would think of something to say, he would switch topics. I gave up and just ignored him. I don't know exactly when I started talking in class with him, but after a while I started opening up to him and becoming more talkative. We became close classmates, and eventually good friends.

I knew he was a player, he was always casually referring to his large number of ex-girlfriends, and his current ones. I didn't really care, I only saw him as a friend.

We somehow exchanged phone numbers when I drew something in class and he wanted me to send it to him. He was the first friend I had given my number to, the only other contacts in my phone were my family. We started texting each other a lot, sometimes even multiple times a day.

Before I knew it, the school year was over. I was happy, yet there was this saddening feeling when I thought about how I wouldn't be able to see him all summer. Very quickly, that feeling was forgotten, and halfway through summer break the opportunity was brought up to switch schools so I could advance further.

We still texted each other every other week, but we both had different things going on in our lives and were dealing with our own trials. One day, out of the blue, he confessed over text. He told me he liked me as more than a friend. I was confused, I had only ever seen this boy as a really good friend. I told him how I felt, how I had never really understood or experienced liking someone, and that I was currently too confused with my life to properly respond. I told him I was sorry that I couldn't respond properly.

And like that, neither of us texted each other for a month. I was in inner turmoil. Very quickly, I became aware of him as more than a friend. I was constantly looking online for answers. When he didn't text me, I was distressed, my heart felt pain, yet I wasn't brave enough to initiate the discussion.

It was a day in February. I was on my way home from a youth dance late at night with a few other girls I knew from church, but they had fallen asleep. A song came on, I can't even remember what song it was, but the words struck me so hard, my heart fluttered, I was in an inner panic. The rest of the way home, I battled back and forth in my mind.

"I think I love him." no. I couldn't. I refused to accept it, but it was always on my mind. I refused to believe that I could be in love. I told myself over and over that it was just a silly crush, I needed to get over it.

I tried to get him out of my mind, I tried to let go, I tried so hard, but he was always on my mind. I forced myself to try to have crushes on other boys. One day, I was in so much confusion I sent him one text: "hey, do you know what it's like to fall in love?"

"oh, well, it's when you like someone, even when you haven't seen that someone in forever. When just the thought of them brightens your day. You would do anything to see them happy, and hope that they never have to cry."

"What are you doing right now?"

"Oh, I was texting my girlfriend." 

I felt broken. My heart had been lifted up so high, and then dropped. It felt like he had purposefully led me on. 

"okay, well, nice talk"

We started texting again but only once every few months until the next school year came around. I was back at our old school. It was the open house. I was late because I was afraid of seeing him again only for it to be awkward. I didn't want him to completely throw me out of his life. I was fine with anything, even just distant acquaintances. I would take anything over not being able to be friends with him.

Well, he was late too. I awkwardly waved back at him after he called out to me. "Hey! I missed you friend!"

"Hey."

With that we parted ways, no other words exchanged. A couple hours later I texted him, asking him to compare schedules. We chatted back and forth just like before. It was as if that whole period of time was ignored by the both of us. The first day of school rolled around. He was in my Spanish class again, along with 5th hour.

My mom wanted me to change my schedule so I could switch out of that class. I didn't. I guess a part of me still wanted to be able to be with him at least one extra hour a day. He still talked about his many girlfriends. When our friends bring up how we would look good as a couple, we both awkwardly laugh it off.

We both chose to forget. Treat it as a passing phase and move on. It took me a year of sharing classes, to get over my feelings. He's my friend, but we're still not as close as before.

I like to think that through him, I've learned to make new friends, to be more outgoing, to take the initiative and talk to others. That I've become more outgoing, coming out of my shell and being the outgoing person like i am online, only those close to me irl knew I truly was. I say it's because of him that I was able to experience the flowering moments of young, innocent love. Where at the time, it seemed like my whole life was weighing on those moments in time. It's all so silly.

But while I say he's the reason I'm like this now, I know it's because of myself that I'm able to be the person I am. He didn't do anything to change me, but I changed myself because of the experiences I've had.

Thank you, Marcus, for the memories, and for the many experiences you let me have. Thank you for helping me to grow as a person. I love you bro, but just as a friend now, lol.

(PS, I'll always support your soundcloud rapping, even tho it's complete hot garbage.)

(PSPS, I'd like to thank all my discord, wattpad, and irl friends for helping me become more outgoing, I'm originally only like that online and with close family and friends irl, but now i can happily carry conversations with random people lol.)

(PSPSPS, online friends really do be superior doe *flushed emoji*)

t h e   e n d .