It is said that a victimizer is one whom cheats, dupes,
mulnipluates in order to gain for ones self. Though correct a
victimizer is a victim in his or her own right. For what does
one really gain from causing pain to others. A breif moment
of pleasure, trading genuiene emotion for a selfish moment
of fulfilment. Creating cycles that become harder to stop
because it becomes a part of whom you are. Over the years I
have learned much from the experiences James has been
through, I am James or I use to be. So many years of holding
on to pain caused by others, only to cause pain to people
who would give their life to be with me. I used, abused, and
destroyed, people I actually cared for, and what did i gain?
More pain. Until I woke up and said to myself nomore. In
order for me to love anyone I must first began to love
myself. I've questioned if I would ever be able to break this
cycle that I had been so invested in and yes I can. If I just
take life one day at a time I could actually be the man I
know I am destined to be. I could recieve all the things I
want in life, if I just took the time. I am not my past and my
past doesn't define me as a man. I use to believe I was
gaining from my poor decisions, I wasn't. I've hurt so many
people including myself and for that I am sorry. As a man
Im able to now own up to my mistakes. I am not that scared
little boy anymore. Though sometimes I sit back and ask
myself why? There is no true answer. In todays world love
has so many definitions, but can it truely be defined? I'm 29
years old and in all my years of running around, playing the
game, I opened my eyes and something had to change, I like
many men thought that the nagging and the complaining
from women was their attempt to change who I was but I
was wrong on so many levels, its not nagging and
complaining it was just their way of giving me the answers I
needed to keeping them happy, which I was choosing to
ignore, thinking I was the man, what I say goes, no
compromise, and when I was willing to compromise it
wasnt really compromise it was me finding a way working
around the issue to get what I wanted, relationships of any
kind become difficult not because thats what they are
meant to be we complicate them with our need to feel as if
we arent losing ourselves in someone else, to give someone
complete power over you is one of the largest fears some
may have but until we are ready to do so then we will not
be capable of loving correctly.
