Reflections

Bear Lake

The boat rocked on the water, vinyl seats sticking to my bare thighs as I shifted uncomfortably.

We were stopped in the dead of the lake and had had to kill the engine. Dad was on a phone call.

It was fine, he almost always was. The entire drive up here us kids sat in a forced silence in the backseat, waiting.

I twiddled a lock of hair between my fingers, watching droplets of water stream down, and idly wondered if his phone was almost dead. It was an important call, he said. They always were.

Maybe I was spoiled. Ridiculing the man doing the very thing that put us here, on the water, on this boat. He did provide for the family after all. But I didn't care about vacation houses or acquiring assets, I just wanted my dad.

I listened as he spoke into his blackberry, getting flustered. The client was leaving for another advisor and taking a lot of money with him. I was old enough to connect the dots.

"Do you know where I am right now?" My dad was almost begging. "I'm on vacation, out on the water with my family. That is how important you are to me. What can I do to convince you to stay."

Translation: you are more important to me than my daughter. The world stops for numbers, not blood.

Minutes passed. Maybe even an hour.

To be completely honest I didn't even want a relationship with my dad, I just wanted to start the boat back up again. I associated him with anger and consequences. Harsh and militaristic. My whole, little body tensed when I felt him walk in the room.

Finally he clicked the call to an end. No one spoke, no need to make his mood worse. Without a word the engine puttered back to life and he swung us around to go home.