Love is a Loaded Gun

1

I didn't feel alone anymore. 

Seeing him standing there, blood on his face, I felt something I had forgotten about spark to life in me again. 

Maybe it was fear, or something else. I just knew I wasn't afraid he would hurt me. He would never kill me. I knew that. He had his episodes, but he could never lay his hand down on my life.

"Daria." He sounded out of breath. I loved when he said my name. Especially under other circumstances. 

He stepped inside, and I took a half step back, leaving the door open still. He stood looking down at me, close enough now I could see all the details of his face, his little freckles, the darkness in his eyes. The texture of his soft lips. I had forgotten where he had been, what he did, and who he was. 

He was here, and we were together again. 

The last time I saw him, he was looking at me sitting on the ambulance bumper, a blanket around my shoulders hiding the bruises around my throat, arms, and chest. All from him. some left in love, little bites from cuddling that he would kiss into my skin softly, and others from his manic yelling, shoving me into walls, couches, beds. He had seen me last from the cop car, as they shoved his head down into the back, he fought to look at me. Like my glassy eyes could offer an explanation as to why he was caught. 

I had some theories. We were never very subtle. None of the few family or friends I had ever liked him. I did, but I couldn't stop them from taking him. I needed him gone. He looked at me one last time, with the face he always gave me when he was sorry. His eyes were confused, like he wasn't really there when he hurt me, it wasn't him doing it, never him. He looked like a confused little boy.

 Innocent. 

It was a silly look on him.

Now I wasn't sure what he looked like. Still himself. Maybe it was the same look. Yes it was, he was sorry. What for, I wondered?

He leaned down to me, his hair falling in his eyes. It was longer than before. I liked it still.

 Pretty boy. 

I didn't realize what I was doing until I saw my hands touching his collar, peeking out of his sweater, up on my tippy toes. We were an inch apart, then less, then his lips were on mine, and I was his again. 

 I pretended to be Toby's, and my own self for a while too, but I was only ever his. 

He knew it too, smiling into me, as he leaned further down, letting me slide my tongue into his mouth like I had a choice. He quickly took over my mouth with his, and I let a small sound escape me, as he scooped me up like nothing into his arms, and I let him hold me against him, my arms tight around his neck. We stopped, gasping for air, and I felt alive again. 

I was dead for a long time without him, only the crows Auntie Sarah said he communicated through to keep me company. I never believed that, but sometimes I wasn't so sure. the crows constantly coming down to visit me in the yard gardening while Auntie screamed at them to go away thought otherwise.

Zee lifted my chin up that I had brought to the floor whilst I was lost in the thought of crows. He gave me a little smile, "Still sweet as ever 'Ria." My stomach flipped.

"Zee," I said still breathless, "W-why? How? They'll take you away again if they know you're here, we can't-"

"Shhh" he said holding a finger to my lips, which I involuntarily licked. "No one is keeping me away from you anymore baby. I missed you sweetheart." He said tracing my chin.

I thought of Auntie, who left in a rush, as soon as she heard someone at the door. She probably didn't even see Zeke at the door. She was yelling at me again before she left. A crow landed on the table next to me when I was drinking lemonade on break from tending the rose bush. Auntie came outside screaming at it, and it cawed back at her. She grabbed me, taking me to the coat closet "To hide from those wretched crows," she said. She told me to wait for her to come back, and she put on her coat, driving gloves, and a scarf on over her head, telling me she would only be an hour. 

When she heard the doorbell, I heard her heels clack on the floor, all the way to the back garage. The car started, and I heard it crunch the gravel as she pulled away from the house. Then I got up to answer the door Auntie left unattended, only to see Zeke there. I still wasn't sure why though.

I shut the door behind Zeke, and walked up to my room, and sure enough he followed me like my shadow. He had that innocent look on his face, like he didn't know what was happening. 

I sat on my bed. Patting it for him to come sit. This was how we always talked. His face gave way to the knowing smirk, and he jumped on my bed, pulling me to his side. I put my leg over him like always, and smiled more than I had in weeks, as he grabbed it, and let me bury my head into his neck, with his arm around my shoulders, keeping me next to him. 

I inhaled his scent, and almost moaned at how wonderful he smelled. Just like always. I hadn't felt this happy in forever. "Daria I have some explaining to do." He said finally, after we became reacquainted to our cuddling positions.

"I know Zeke, I just, god I just missed you so much," I admitted, squeezing his waist. He grabbed my body, moving me up on top of him, so I straddled him. I let my head rest on his chest, and heard his heart beating strong in his chest. 

My body wouldn't let my brain ruin it by remembering that he used to beat me, and then force me to let him do things to me. It was like in my dreams. Zeke would be there, holding me, and reassuring me, and I would wonder why it was something so nice, when it wasn't supposed to be. My dreams wouldn't let his anger ruin the happiness I felt. But now was not a dream. He was here. 

Both sides of him.

 And I couldn't forget that. 

He was in prison because of me.

My thoughts settled when Zeke finally spoke again. "They just let me out of prison. Yesterday was my first day out. I've been meaning to come see you, but I... got caught up," he said.

"Wouldn't they tell me? I thought you weren't allowed near me?"

"I'm not baby, but I fixed that. My old man's lawyer made sure to put my request for the restraining order to be voided in, and they got it all fixed for me baby, don't worry," he said, petting my hair. I felt strange. He wasn't saying something. I could feel it. A storm was coming.

"Why are you here Zeke? You spent a year in prison because of me. Why aren't you in college now or something? Didn't your dad say you would be in law school when you were released?" I said remembering their defense at the trial. They called me a silly little girl that he got bored of because I was keeping him from school. His dad's money got his sentence reduced to a year, and the sexual assault, domestic violence, and rape charges dropped. All in exchange that he would serve a year without parole, not be allowed to see me, and start school as soon as he got out.

"You should be grateful I'm here bunny, it took a lot of convincing to get my dad to drop the restraining order. I had to promise him you wouldn't pull a stunt like that again. I was thinking of just leaving you, but I knew you wanted me back bunny, I know you better than anyone else," he said. 

So it was my fault he couldn't handle his temper and had to deal with the consequences of abusing his girlfriend and getting caught.

"I didn't tell the police you were abusing me Zeke. I don't care if you don't believe me, but I really was on your side. I would never risk your future, even if it killed me." I said, getting defensive. 

The shit I went through for his damn future. 

That was supposed to be our future until he took it too far.