Breaking All the Rules

Part 5

It's Mid-May and I don't want to jinx it but this boyfriend thing is working out so far. I haven't seen any clients in weeks, and most of time is spent at photoshoots. 

Lilli and I are close and for the first time in maybe forever, I have a best friend. Shawn and I double date with her and her fiance Paul. Lilli invites us both to her wedding in June and I'm excited because I've never been to a wedding before. No one has ever been close enough to invite me to such an occasion and I'm honored.

I'm awful at this instagram thing. I ignore my DM's because I realize a lot of them are very creepy and by now I have 8 million followers on instagram and Lilli tells me this means my account is verified.

I get a request to be a "girl in a video" and I'm excited because it's an artist I've actually heard of. Initially, the director says I don't have to kiss him, but they decide that's what the video needs. I freak out a little because my no kissing rule doesn't apply to this setting and I almost feel the need to check in with Shawn about it, but everything is moving so fast. Lilli isn't on set at the moment and so I go through with the scene. We shoot the kissing scene like 12 times and I'm grateful he isn't an awful kisser, but I still feel like the amount of takes it takes is excessive. The director decides the shoot is a wrap and when I get home later, I tell Shawn about my day.

He raises his eyebrows a little when I tell him about the kiss, but he doesn't say anything.

"You're not.. jealous?" I ask, I'm curious now. Shouldn't he be jealous if someone is kissing his girlfriend?

"No.. it's work..." he shrugs. "I can't get mad at you for that... it's not like it's any worse than what you used to do..."

Wow. I try to conceal the hurt on my face but it's futile.

"Shit..I'm sorry--- I didn't mean for it to come out like that..." he tries to backtrack but the damage is done and I know I shouldn't be upset but I am. I'm quiet for the rest of the night until I decide that I need to get it together. Shawn apologizes again for his poor choice of words and I forgive him because I've learned that's what people in relationships do. You fuck up, you fight, you forgive,you fuck. And that's what we do.

I'm saving everything I get paid and it's significantly more than I made at my previous job. I quit the bookstore a couple months ago and my boss was really sad to see me go, but told me I always have a job if I want it. I let Sofia know and she and my boss arrange for Sofia to work at the book store this summer when she's on break.

I get invited to New York Fashion week and it's crazy. I've never been on a runway but Lilli sets me up with a runway coach and he tells me I'm a natural. My greatest fear is falling and I call Shawn minutes before I go on. He tells me I'm going to knock it out of the park and I do. Later that night I'm at a party with the other models, photographers, and various designers. I slip away to use the bathroom and am confronted with models using razor blades to make tiny thin lines of white powder. I say nothing because I know better.

The week itself is so intense, I lose track of everything and I'm exhausted. I notice many of the other models diet and I feel a little self conscious about it. I limit my food intake, but because I'm running around, changing, and walking, I feel even more exhausted because I'm not taking in as many calories as I should be. I feel faint and one of the girls offers me a thin, white line.

"What does it feel like?"

"It's a bitch on the body, but girl will it make you fly..." she says.

 It's not at all how is it in the movies. Snorting cocaine hurts like a bitch. It burns and I cough and choke. I feel sick for a moment and then it hits me. I'm floating and I've never felt better.

I'm still high hours later when I'm at a part with some other models and I'm so high I forget to call Shawn. I take another bump and the night is my own personal technicolor playground. Music sounds 1,000 times better and I feel the bass literally envelope me. It's warm and comforting and I realize right then that cocaine is one hell of a drug.

I make it back to my hotel room and pass out.

She wasn't wrong. It did make me fly, but the comedown is a bitch and the flight home is worse.

 When I get home, I apologize to Shawn for not calling and tell him I passed out because I was so tired. It wasn't technically a lie. I was exhausted from the trip.

I feel guilty about it later and decide that cocaine was a one time thing. I debate on whether to tell Shawn, because I know he's has previous experience with cocaine, but I don't. I decided maybe this is a secret I should keep for just myself, especially, since I won't be doing it again.

It's June and Sofia is working at the bookstore, seeing a new girl, and Shawn and I are getting ready for Lilli's wedding. The ceremony itself is beautiful and I know Paul and Lilli really love each other. I hold Shawn's hand during the ceremony and later when we slow dance, I start to overwhelmed with emotion. Shawn notices something is wrong and we walk off the dance floor and take a step outside. "You okay? You look like you're going to pass out.." he says.

I try to lessen my heart rate but it's useless because in this moment I want to tell him I love him but I'm afraid. I take one look in his eyes and say the words that have been swimming in my head for months. On Shawn's face a look of pure concern. He takes my hand in his. "What is it?"

"I love you.." I hear the words come out of my mouth and I almost don't believe it's me that's saying them.

Shawn's eyes soften. "Jesus, you scared me. I love you too..." and the way he says it it's like it's the most effortless and natural thing in the world. The nonchalant nature of his declaration of love catches me off guard and I need to make sure I heard him right.

"You.. love me?"

Shawn smiles and caressed my cheek "I have for awhile now...." 

"Why.. didn't you say anything?" I ask, completely flabbergasted.

"Same reason you didn't. I didn't want to fuck this up, scare you away, or worse, what if you didn't love me back?" He laughs and I realize his fears were the same as mine and that his heart feels the way mine does.