I try so hard but it seems the harder I try the worst I make things. See I am a mom, I became a mom at 19, and I will be honest I was as clueless then about how to be a mom as I am today. There is no instruction manual or scripture to tell you how to be a good mom, you just follow your heart and do what you feel is best. Yet so many people want to criticize and tell you what an awful job you're doing. I love my daughters and work so hard to try to give them The best life I could but I am human and I make mistakes. This idea that parents need to be perfect is a load of bullshit! We are learning as we go, with experience and life we try to teach our kids what's right and what's wrong and what was instilled in us as children from our parents. I like to think that I have a good bond with my daughters and although my oldest tells me how much she appreciates me and is thankful for me I know my youngest doesn't feel the same. The kid freaking hates me. I have always been honest with my kids at least the best way that I can be, I do not try to push my beliefs on them and I accept them for who they are whether I agree with their choices or not. All I care about is for them to be happy. To grow up to be decent, respectable happy human beings, to love and be love by whomever they chose. There are so many issues that I just weep in pain and heartbreak because I can't reach out, I try but to no avail...the more I do the worst I make it. I've been through hell and back with my girls, I have done everything I can to provide a decent life for them yet I feel I have failed. My oldest tells me I have not, but when I see her struggle I feel I failed, what did I do wrong? I worked so hard because I didn't want my kids to struggle and then I look at my youngest and nothing seems to make her happy. She came out to me months ago, although I had long suspected, I just waited for her to feel comfortable to tell me. Do I feel she is young to know how she feels? Sure but please understand I grew up with a lot of religion and its taken me being a mom to be open minded and understand and accept homosexuality, i don't care if she loves boys or girls. I don't care if someday she grows up to marry another beautiful soul like hers, as long as she's happy. But I look at her and I see unhappiness, the prettiest little girl, with the prettiest smile and such a beautiful soul, yet nothing but sadness in her eyes. I know she thinks I don't accept her because my beliefs are different but I do. The funniest but not funny thing is for the longest I thought my oldest would've been the one to come out and say mom, I'm the lesbian but instead its my youngest. Lol does it matter hell no!! I love them just the same, unconditionally ❤ they are my babies, I brought them in this world, have fought so hard for them and love them more than life itself. Why can't that be enough? I am not perfect, I know I make mistakes, I have been broken, chewed up and spit out, stomped on and thrown out, pushed off and discarded, I am broken but I have come such a long way and have healed in so many ways. I have done what I can to not give the broken piece of me to my daughters but give them all the love I have left to give instead. I wish them happiness, love and success always. Motherhood isn't easy, be able to love is even harder. If I died today, tomorrow or whenever that time may be...my last wish/prayer would be that both my daughters live a full and happy life and know that through the good and bad, through my frustrations and bad moments that I tried, and no matter what I love them unconditionally and if I failed them in any way I am sorry.
I may not be the mom they wished for but they are the daughters I prayed for ❤ for my beautiful daughters Kayla and Jazmin...
#amothersstory #mylove #myblessings
