Complete Honesty - HomeBeforeDark Contest

Honesty

I was taught to always be honest. Tell the truth and things will always work out, that's what my dad said. As a young child, that was a huge impact on a my life and I took it to heart.

When ever I was asked a question or to do something, I was honest. Agree or disagree, it will be what I feel inside. Friends came easy and so did dating. I broke some hearts but they always said they liked that I didn't play any games. I was popular, lived in a good home with the best family. There was no reason for this sadness.

Then the monsters came at night, the ones that weave lies. Everything about them is fake and yet, they dug their claws into me. I would stay up, feeding off of their stories; believing every word.

Then guilt climbs in, why am I feeling so down? I have a home, sweet family and friends. Others have worse lives, full of pain. I shouldn't feel like this.

Even when I wasn't sleeping, night was a nightmare. Hearing how horrible I was and then guilty about being sad. Dreams of family finding out and leaving. Visions of friends laughing, saying I'm just a sad privileged teen. My life was great, I shouldn't feel like this.

No one knew. That was the one lie I told all the time. "I'm fine." was my favorite. I made sure no one knew about the monsters in my mind. I didn't want to be a bother.

Then they started appearing when I woke up. My daydreams were full of abandonment than the rest of the day was full of guilt. I started staying home because I was 'sick', I just couldn't let them know. I wouldn't disappoint all the people around me.

My mom noticed first. "Stress from school."

Then my best friend. "Busy with homework and not sleeping."

All of them, lies.

It never bothered me. I wasn't really lying, I was stressed and tired. Besides, no one likes a whiner.

Finally my dad asked. He wasn't too emotionally involved, he enjoyed the sidelines and having fun. I broke down.

I was completely honest. About the monsters, the thoughts and the fears. The pain inside and the wish to inflict pain. Like water spilling, I couldn't stop till my dad knew everything.

For a while I regretted it. The looks I got after. It felt like everyone in the neighborhood knew I wanted to die.

Slowly, things changed. I continued to be honest, but I was even more so about my mental health. I told people that I was feeling gray or I needed help. I told others of my pain, getting help and learning that it was okay for me to feel like this.

Eventually I told people online. Soon, complete strangers. I spoke freely about my thoughts and the pain. I stood up for myself and those suffering just like me. I was alone and I almost died. I wouldn't let someone else die because I stayed silent.