Love In Different Faces

Out of love

"Is it the only option? To breakup?"
I had no words to reply back to him.

"why?"
How do you gently break a heart that you are no longer in love with? 

"Did I not love you enough?"
I could not do anything but to watch him starting to shake with tears. I know that his emotions are raw and vulnerable but my heart is too numb to even feel bad for him. 

"Did I do something wrong?"
I sighed deeply, fumbling words in my head because he was one of the most genuine people I knew in my life. He was pure perfect, but he's not for me. 

"I'm sorry" 
After struggling for a while, those three words were the only thing I could say to him. He engulfed me tightly in his arms as if I would vanish into thin air if he ever let me go. 

"If you were gonna leave me, why did you come into my life?"
Looking back, I was the one who approached him. I used to stay up all night disturbing him, popped up outside of his class everyday, even kissed him first. He put his guard up at first but even then, he cared about me. I knew I became a part of his life when he put his beanie on me on a cold winter day while scolding me for not wearing warm clothes. From then, he waited for me outside of his class when I was late, he knew my favorite café and took me there after during weekends, he never failed to visit me no matter how bad the weather was, he always respected my words and kept his distance. Even when we got into a fight, he was always the first person to apologize although it was not his fault. I thought I was genuinely in love. Until one day, I started to notice my heart did not beat the same anymore when I saw him, or when he held my hand, or even when he kissed me goodnight. 

I could keep pretending to be in love and receiving his genuine attention but I felt the guilt grew deeply. How do one fake feelings? How could I lie to him by saying "I love you" when my heart is falling out of love? He is someone I can never destroy with fake love. He deserves way better than me. 

I played with his hair softly, breathed deeply to remember his scent one last time, hugged him tight knowing this will be the last time I will ever get to hug him. 

"You'll definitely find someone who loves you more than I can ever love you. Someone who will give you the kind of love you deserve, the one who will always stay, the one who will give you a family, the one who will give their heart for you. Thank you so much for all the love you gave me. I will always remember you." I said those words and tried to let him go but he hugged me tighter. 

"Don't you dare let me go. I won't look back if you let me go now. And I don't want to do that. I broke my walls just for you and you know that. I hate you so much but at the same time, I love you so much. I won't be able to breathe if I let you go. So please, hug me back and tell me all of this is a lie. Please tell me that this is one of your silly pranks and that you will stay with me." He sounded out of breath because of the hug but he wouldn't let me go because he knew that my hands were no longer hugging him. 

"Let me go please", I pleaded with a soft voice. He refused to let me go. But I slowly pushed myself away from him and felt his rapid heartbeat from my finger-tips. 

"Goodbye love." I kissed his forehead, and walked away from him. With every step to the door, I could clearly hear him crying his heart out. I broke the very heart of a man who always wore the most beautiful smile in the world just for me.