Polaroid (A Phan AU)

Chapter Thirty-Four

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

~Francis of Assisi

I had fully come to terms with my sister's suicide attempt, but still had no idea what possessed her to want to die. I couldn't bring myself to ask her.

So while I was stuck at home hiding from my responsibilities, I went into Cassie's room and picked up the envelope labeled "For Phil."

I took it back to my room, lay on my stomach in bed, and took out two folded up pieces of paper, both sides of each written on in Cassie's neat, rounded script.

Dearest Phil,

I saved this one until last, because it's the hardest to write. There's so much more to explain to you than anyone else; I mean, you've been my best friend for fourteen years.

I should start by explaining myself. You're probably hella mad at me for leaving you like this. I'm sorry, really. I just don't think earth is the place for me.

I know very well that I have people that love me and care for me, but even with that knowledge, I've always felt alone. And right now I feel more alone than ever. 

Mum, she has priorities; an endless list of things to get done. You, have a future, with your friends, your crushes (!) your job. And Dad, well, where the hell is he?

And I do wonder: where do I fit into all of this? Where can I slot myself in successfully without destroying everything in my wake?

I can't comprehend my emotions, can't tell one from another. They all look the same to me, day in, day out.

How am I expected to describe how I'm feeling when I can't identify it myself?

I won't throw questions at you that you won't be able to answer, that's not fair.

I just want to tell you how much I really do love you. And I want you to read this part if you ever feel sad or alone or unloved. Because you are amazing, Phil. In spirit and in sight. If we weren't related, I would probably date you. Maybe I'm biased because I'm your sister and I'm supposed to think you're beautiful, but you truly are. And you're talented too; one day your paintings and photos will hang in galleries across the world. And I'll watch on with a smile and think, that's my little brother.

And I love him so, so much.

Because I do.

I love you, Philly. Live your life to the fullest, smile, love, laugh, and treasure every heartbeat like it's the last.

All my love,

Cassie

My heart broke for my sister, a million times over.

If only I'd known.

A/N

Hope you enjoyed today's chapters!
I have officially written the smut - and it's not actually anywhere near as terrible as I thought it would be. It's not exactly wonderful, but hey ho. I just hope my parents never come across it.
I KEEP FORGETTING BUT OMG YOUTUBE REWIND IS AMAZING THIS YEAR LIKE TYLER'S DANCING DADDY PLEASE AND DAN LOOKED SO CAMP I CRY AND BETH AND CONNOR AND TROYE AND LILLY AND JENNA  EJWWJ JRJWBVGGDJDJWKDMDM
I stayed off school today bc I got sick in the morning but I think that was due to lack of sleep (you can throw up from extreme exhaustion right? Or am I just being dumb?) But I slept a hella lot in between coughing fits (bc I have THE WORST COUGH ugh) and I feel PUMPED I have so much energy now omg
Bring on the apocalypse, I'M READY.
Well, I'm really not, please don't end the world I haven't even met Brendon Urie yet
This is hella rambly I'm sorry

Songs I listened to:

Air Guitar by McBusted

Brain Stew by Green Day

Criminal by Silhouette Rising

Muscle Museum by Muse

Recommended:

The Queen's Hand Book by Ms_Crow

This is a self help book, and I just love reading back over everything that's written so far whenever I'm feeling unmotivated or down its hella good

~Georgina

Find me:

Twitter: ThisIsGeorgieXo

Tumblr: sugarcanellamas

Instagram: assemblingphilosophies

Collab acc: KnivesAndPens_xo