Mai

My Catalyst

Dark
I see a dark sky. There aren't any stars today. No star to hold my wonder today. I have looked at these stars my whole life. I see them, and I wonder about the sky they make. You can't go near them, they will burn you, but they fuel your dreams from so far too.

I look at them, do they look at me too?

Do they look at me and wonder as I do?
Do they find me wonderful too?
Do they wish they could just keep looking at me too?

I do not know now, nor will I ever do.
And it's good that I don't, who knows if I would like the answer that follows.
They don't speak, but I hear enough, I hear what I need to, I hear the truth, I hear the Dharma and I think upon my  karma for they be the silent listener, the silent big shoulder.
I lay it all in their presence, finding peace even if I don't deserve that at the moment.

A cool breeze blows by.
A few tendrils come loose on my face. Irritates me every other time, but now, it soothes me, like lullaby, as if a companion reminding me,
for there is dark, there is light, so that the end of the tunnel may shine bright

I feel a coolness on my face.
Tears
They make me wonder too.
Because when I look at them, they seem beautiful and they are.
They are the best friends you never ask for, but are always there to shed their weight when need be.
When the heart bears a burden too heavy, they share it, bear it and away they go, making you feel lighter and easy. They don't complain, they flow
And the best part, they don't forget u in good times too( it's like they have taken wedding vows with you)

I feel them now too. These aren't the happy ones, I don't know if they are sad. My heart feels heavy. I look up again and ask a silent why.

Why

Why what?

I think and I think again, yet I do not know. All I know is that this feels heavy and I can't think of what this is.

I think and I think yet again, but I can't seem to find it.
I think and I think again and now it is running away, running away from my reach.
I am crying a river now, I can't breathe.
Is it because I am crying or is it because I can't reach?!
I reach out again but it's gone out of my reach, I become hysterical, there is no way to breathe.

And then I feel it again
The breeze

It whispers to me.
I look up and I see.
I see them shining over me.
And for a moment I imagine, I feel, I feel just them and me and the breeze
I can breathe now.
There are no tears, I feel light. And I know.
What was it?

Me

It was me, it always is, always was and always will be

I was the heavy, I was the light.
I look above and I stop the fight. They don't speak still, silent as ever they still are. Maybe they do not have tongues or maybe it's just the way they are.
But I know now and it's all that matters.
It's me that I fight and it's me that I cry over. I cried for things done and I cried yet again for things which just remain, linger, in my thoughts.

Pity
It pitied myself. It's human nature. I pitied myself for my own shortcomings.
I pitied myself for all that I never got, for all that I lost, for all that I do,
for that I will ever do,
And for all that I never do.
I piled it up, I piled it up so high that my heart felt heavy, it felt the weight. Ever the best friend, my tears tried,

They tried and tried and tried.
But who was to blame them when I was still piling it up high, and reaching out for the reason.
Reason I couldn't find because one who looks at ground never finds the stars

I was ignoring it, my pity.
Because it makes me feel ashamed, ashamed of pitying myself for my own karma.

But then I looked up and I remembered.
It's all done, I cannot undo it, and why would I even undo it. I may not like some things but they are not all bad. In time I may see the consequences but they will be mine too as were the choices.

Because this is me, mai

I may feel lost, may find my own choices wrong, may even pity myself

But then I look up and I remember
I am human
One of a kind

And these stars are my catalyst,

Catalyst to finding myself whenever I am lost, wherever I am lost.

But today they are gone, but I don't feel heavy
and maybe they know
And may be they listen
And maybe they look at me too
And maybe they wonder

Maybe they wonder about me too.
My catalyst.

Note:
Karma is a person's deeds here and not the regular bitch😉

A/n
So I read somewhere that one of the ways to create a good reader-author relationship is through author's notes. So here I am trying a hand at it.

So whoever is reading this, these lines actually portray what goes on in my mind, when I am upset, sometimes we feel down and don't even know why,
Such times I look at the sky, the stars, they give me peace
No matter what happens in your life, they remain shining in the sky, beautifully, and I love it

I could see it the negative way too, I could always reason that they don't see me or understand me, they would lose their beauty in my eyes then. What good will that do?

So I see them and I see beauty and calmness and consistency. It's beautiful really
Without them I will find myself back on road too, but with them I find reason instantly.
So yes, they are my catalyst.

Thank you so much for giving it your precious time which I am absolutely sure I don't deserve.
And if you liked it you could hit the star or maybe comment and even dm me.♥️♥️