Shoot Me Down

Part 24

I’ll make sure he doesn’t sleep tonight either. Waiting for him in the darkness of his bedroom I hear Nakia come in. They argue about something, raising their voices until they ring down the hall. She hasn’t got groceries, she hasn’t gone shopping in a month. She screams that she goes to school all day and he lies around in his tighty whities and smokes weed, and he can buy the groceries. Footsteps storm past, and her door slams shut further down the hall. The water is running in the bathroom. Caleb is getting ready for bed.

            It’s so strange being in his bedroom, standing in front of his unmade bed. Has it really been less than a few weeks ago that I’d slept in this bed beside him? I’d curled next to him under the covers in this very room….my face is turning red. Humiliation and anger are at war inside me as I stare down at the jumble of sheets in front of me. My gut is churning, the cobra is unwinding again.

            Caleb staggers in and flops on the bed. He shuts his eyes and rubs at his temples. For a few seconds he stares at the ceiling and then he shuts his eyes and jams a pillow over his face, as if it will somehow stop me from touching him. I can wait.

            The neon alarm clock numbers hypnotize me. They change so slowly, the minutes crawl by and turn into hours. Time stretches into infinity, ponderous and slow. Sliding past fluidly, unable to touch me. I stand there, my body completely still, insides pulsing with raw hatred. Rage spreading slowly over me like a cancer. My arms tingle, the palms of my hands itch. I long to close my hands around his throat, to tighten my fingers around his wind pipe. I need to. But it isn’t time yet.

            Caleb thrashes, he doesn’t sleep for hours. He keeps the pillow jammed over his face. Finally, when the clock reads 3:15 and outside the bedroom window the sky is turning an unnatural twilight hue, Caleb rolls sideways and the pillow slips off. It falls to one side, landing on the hardwood floor with a soft thump. He doesn’t move.

            Watching him, standing over him like this…it makes me feel strong. It gives me savage satisfaction, warmth that burns in my stomach like embers flaring to life. Feeding the darkness, making it grow. He is not handsome in his sleep. He dreams violently, one leg twitching now and then, his mouth open wide. I reach out and run my finger tip down his left cheek, smiling as my skin makes contact. He snorts in his sleep, jerking his head to the side and I draw back.

Reaching out again I drag my fingers down his neck this time, and Caleb jerks awake with a gasp, his eyes popping open wide and white in the dark. He stays frozen, rubbing at his neck, looking around in the dark. I can see him perfectly, every detail of his face. Three days stubble on his cheeks and chin, hollow, scared eyes ringed with bruises, pale face. Sweat beads on his forehead. He’s mumbling, and for a second I think that maybe he’s praying until I catch the words,

“It was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream.”

I lean forward and brush his cheek again, and he cries out and lurches backwards, thrashing under the covers. He jumps out of bed and the white bed sheets are wrapped around his legs. He staggers and then pitches forward, hitting the hardwood floor with a crash and a groan. Caleb doesn’t stay still for a second, he starts crawling towards the door, mumbling desperately to himself. He’s so pathetic.

I reach down and snatch at the sheet wrapped around his legs, grasping it, feeling the texture of the cotton as I wrap my fingers around it. It feels so good to feel. I yank on the sheet with both hands, and Caleb is pulled backwards, kicking and screaming. He puts his hands out, clawing at the floor, trying to stop himself as I pull him back into the room.

He’s screaming in wordless terror. The skin of his palms and fingertips scrape across the shiny floor boards, making squeaking, rasping sounds. After a second the sheet unravels, releasing his legs. Caleb’s feet finally find traction on the floor and he scrambles up and runs, slamming the door in my face. I sigh in disappointment, shut my eyes and melt through to the other side. For a moment it hits me, fiery pain in my stomach. I double over with a low groan, and I know he hears it.