The Three Unspoken

9349 words!

TW: Suicidal thoughts and actions, self harm, abuse, smoking, and mentions of depression

A few important things to keep in mind while reading this story, are that Osamu Dazai has many secrets. There are three specific secrets however that he'd literally kill over, whether himself or someone else, just so that they wouldn't know.
The first of these secrets is the easiest, the fact that he is ex-Mafia. His boss, Fukuzawa Yukichi, was the only one who knew, and he liked to keep it that way. His coworkers had respect for him even though his portrayed idiocy made that hard sometimes.
The second secret was what was under his bandages. This secret relates to secret three and so if you find out one, you find out the other. Now, his coworkers have a bet going to see who could make him take them off first. They guessed it was self-harm scars, of course, they weren't wrong, but they had a feeling that with a mysterious man like Dazai, there would be something else underneath them.
Again, his coworkers weren't wrong.
When he joined the Mafia, there were long scars caused by broken glass covering his chest calling upon the neck and chest bandages, and then there were so many cuts in so many different directions, his arm could barely be made out from under them. Either way, that was why he had bandages on his arms.
When his third secret died, he actually tried to kill himself. He had a craving for death, that was true. He wanted to die, but deep down he could never actually carry out a real attempt, deep down he guessed he was scared. That's why, after secret three was murdered and told him to live, he didn't listen the first day and he tried to hang himself in his apartment.
That didn't go well because a certain investigator tracked him down, only knowing he was a friend of the deceased secret and cut him down. After that day, the reason he wore the bandages changed. Amongst the glass scars, newly added burn scars, and scars from a failed hanging around his neck, were words cut into his skin. They were his thoughts, carved into his flesh long ago. These thoughts related to his past and one such thought was the name of his third secret, Sakunosuke Oda.
Now of all his secrets, this third was the biggest. His lover, Oda, has been killed causing him to desert the mafia and to start gaining more of a conscience. He had no need, and he hoped he never would, to tell anyone around him about the only time he fell, and would ever fall, in love.
It was a sad truth he realized when he joined the Armed Detective Agency. When anyone would ask about his love life, his mind would immediately go to the handsome red-head, but he could never speak of him. When he tried, his heart strings pulled and his eyes stung, so he kept it a secret. His co-workers knew of course he had a lover once, but like most things, they didn't know much about him or her.
Osamu Dazai badly wanted to keep it that way. He didn't want anyone learning about the nights where he'd get a little too drunk and find his way back home, the nights when he'd sober up with his secret and then wake up the next morning with yesterday's clothing covering the floor.
No one needed to know about his heartbreak, the unsmoked cigarettes, the gravestones he visited, or of the only person to ever see under his bandages.
Now, with his three secrets out of the way, you can learn about the day Dazai woke up and found himself sobbing out all three.

Osamu Dazai liked to keep his curtains open for two reasons. One was so that when he woke up in the middle of the night, as he often did, he could see the moon. The second reason was so that when he would wake in the morning the first thing he would see would be the yellow-white sunshine painting his face and bed.
This particular morning as the sun smothered him in light causing his eyes to open, he found himself feeling happier than he usually did. For the first time in years, when he placed a hand to his mouth he could feel a smile.
How strange. He thought to himself, getting up from his bed stretching. As usual, he wore a plain white t-shirt and fuzzy red pants that he could trip on if he wasn't careful. His dark brown hair was a mess, it stuck up in the back and shifted to the left side of his head during the night, and his caramel-like eyes were hard to keep open as he binked against sleep.
His pant covered feet found themselves walking to the bathroom starting up the shower with a tanned hand outstretched to test the heat of the water. Dazai liked to shower hot, it made him feel safe and made him forget about his body while he cleaned up.
Looking into the mirror at himself, the smile still somehow remained. His bandages had a few red stains, he figured some new cuts had opened during the night as he unwrapped his arms and neck with care. Balling up the bandages, he tossed them out and then took off his shirt before checking his arms.
Only a few were bleeding, and not much at that. His neck and chest looked fine too. The skin still felt raw even after all those years, the doctors Ogai Mori had hired for Dazai's sake after his accident, both accidents to be precise, told him there had been substantial nerve damage and that even if it did heal it'd still have phantom pain from time to time.
Today was the day the phantom was there. Taking off his pants and getting into the shower to wash his hair he tried to let his mind go to his latest case, but all he got were worthless memories he wished would burn.