It was Monday morning. Possibly the worst kind of morning. Gloomy weather, angry parents, and burnt toast. My motivation had hit a whole new low. College was basically this building containing thousands of hormone-driven, mistake-making, and careless teenagers. It was the last place I'd want to be. So naturally when my dad entered I was moody and irritable.
"You will go to college!" he shouted, possibly a vein popping.
"I will not. YOU can not make me, of all the people, YOU, I will not listen to." My apathy towards my parents was another side-effect of Schizophrenia. Only, they had no idea and nor did I.
"Look at you! No respect for your own father!! Shame on you. I wish I had a normal son, who doesn't talk to himself like some madman!!" Right there. That is something you never say. And before he could express his remorse or his guilt, I was out of there. Right through the door, I ran and ran possibly for miles. Or maybe just a block. I was panting and calculating distances was not my cup of tea.
I stopped only at the public library. It was a huge glass building, probably the largest library I'd ever set foot in. Since I was a child my grandmother had instilled this craze for make-belief. Fantasy was the genre I had lived most of my life in and ironically it was all I ever read. As I entered, the librarian smiled at me, though she had silenced me many times for talking to myself, she never banned me from reading. She was this red-haired woman with glasses like those of lady with many cats (stereotypically speaking). Her face was of a disciplinarian, however, she had a heart of gold. Many times, since I was a child I would be teased and bullied for talking to myself. She would always stand up for me. And I loved her like my own mother.
I sat down by the window, my favorite spot, as I took out the book I was reading, "The Song of Ice and Fire". As time passed I was engrossed in the story as I started to imagine myself in place of the characters.
All of a sudden, Maya approached me. She sat down beside me quietly and stared for maybe 5 minutes until I noticed her presence.
"Oh, hi" I say, a little flustered as I put my book aside.
"The Song of Ice and Fire... Not bad"
"Well, I just started it..." I was a little hurt when she had left without telling me, so there was a prevalent tension in the air.
"Why did you leave without a goodbye?" I blurted out. She studied my face for a while until finally, she said,
"Vishal, I am not like everybody else alright? I am an endless mirage of your thoughts. I go as and when the wind takes me and I come as and when you need me." A lot of what she said, made no sense to me, however, it spoke to me in a way nothing else did.
"Well I'm just--." The librarian stood before me her hands on her waist and a concerned look on her face.
"Vishal sweetie, can you tone it down a bit please?" she whispered, kindly.
"Sorry" I say, a little embarrassed. Maya looks me in the eyes and smiles.
"Let's get out of here" she points to the exit.
We silently get up and leave, the "Song of Ice and Fire" still waiting to be read.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
"Shh, I know surprises are cliche but I think you'll love this one."
We ended up in a small wood. There was a bridge to cross the pond and a few children playing with a frisbee.
"I used to come here. As a child, with my dad" I said, dumbstruck.
"I know..." she smiles.
"How wou--"
"Must you be so inquisitive? There is this bench facing the lake. We can feed the ducks!" She ran off towards the lake and I followed. I bought two packets of bread from the vendor and sat beside her on the bench.
"Did you know ducks can't feel cold temperatures because their webbed feet don't contain any blood vessels?" I say this matter of factly like it was the most important fact in this world. She laughs and says
"Did you know you just shared a fun fact about ducks?"
"What? Now ducks aren't allowed to have fun facts anymore?"
"I mean, sure. And if you were a geek you'd know all of them" she says, lightly punching my arm as she smirks.
"One day the world will end. And my duck facts will be the only way to save us. When that happens m'lady you shall regret this ridiculing" I say moving my face closer to hers. She smiles and blushes profusely, her face a tangy read. This in turn makes me nervous and blush probably a darker shade than hers.
She gets up and skips ahead turning back only to say
"The last one at those rocks is a rotten egg!" As she points towards this huge set of grey rocks piled against each other, shining a little in the sunlight.
I get up and bolt after her.
We spend the entire day, walking and talking about various topics. The topics ranging from my relationship with my parents to the muggle equivalent of various things in Harry Potter. As the sun started to darken, my legs were pulling at me to give them rest. We were at the bridge and I looked into her eyes, my awkwardness returning.
"Well, I should go" I say.
"Yeah..."
There was an atmosphere of tension and excitement between us, as I close my eyes to kiss her. But when I open them, she is gone. My heart is racing as I don't understand how it is physically possible to disappear every time. Something in my guts tells me that things are off however the happiness of finally meeting someone that understands me overpowers all thoughts. I sit there on that bridge, in the darkness, cradling and comforting myself.
"She is real" I whisper to myself as a sudden burst of voices erupts through my brain
"She's not real"
"She's not real"
"She's not real" they whisper continuously.
My mind is spinning and I'm lost yet again. A huge surge of adrenaline runs through my body as I get up and run. I run all the way back home, heartbreaking, and mind losing all control. I attempt to scream as I run but nothing comes out. I find myself in this eternal darkness and regardless of my hand reaching for help, nobody hears me. As I run back home I see glimpses of Maya.
"Duck facts are for losers" she laughs at me.
"Kill yourself" she says.
"You are worthless."
Eventually I end up out of breath, scared and practically about to faint when I ring the doorbell and fall into my mother's arms. "I c-c-can't." I am trembling and shaking as I sob into her arms. She closes the door her face plastered with deep panic as she guides me to my room. That night, for the first time in forever, I slept almost as I hit the pillow. My mother by my side as she played the tape recorder my grandma gifted me, caressing my head.
