How long will I love you

Take me back to the night we met

“We will meet, if fate decides it for us. I know our love is stronger than anything we know , but it isn’t everything we need to live for.”

“Maybe one day we will be somewhere, someplace  where we can be together. Maybe we would have moved on , have a family or a successful career .But I feel, No, I know that a day will come, when we may be with or without responsibilities, I don’t know that but what I do know is , this isn’t the end for us and when we do see each other the next time , I know we will share a glass of the same cheap whiskey,  the one we  did when we  first met , and we will see where to go from there”

“But… but what if I can’t stop loving you, what if you can’t forget me, what happens if we cannot move on?”

He cupped my face with his hands, and leaned his forehead against mine, “ My love, you have my heart.... today ,tomorrow and till every star in this universe dies,  I know I won’t forget you . Because , you , my darling , you are the best thing that has happened to me … and we wouldn’t have to do this if the time was right. So believe me , when I say , we will live our lives , I know it’s not about moving on, it’s about living in the hope that we will love each other again, not behind  closed doors or in a hush hush manner , but I-will-hold-a-radio-over-my-head outside your door, kiss you with all my power  in front of everyone and write it on the walls in bold, that, I , Oscar, Will always love my little piece of sunshine, you.”
She proceeded to kiss him like she had never before, like he was an oasis and she was a lone traveler stuck in a desert, like she will never see him again, which was somewhat true. It was their last time . For a long time , this will be it, and though she wants to believe in every word he said so passionately ,with tears flowing freely from both of their eyes, with so much warmth that made her body shudder, her realist self knew it might never happen, and that they would eventually move on . He would move on, to be specific, but as he said , having hope and living with it is what she can do for now ,and what she will do for years to come.

Even after getting married and having a daughter, she feels no different about him than she felt ten years ago,  and she feels guilty about it everyday. Now ,  even when she has a beautiful daughter and a husband , a commander in the Navy  ,who loves her , she feels guilty that she can never love him the way he does, because that fierce force of love is reserved  only for her flyboy , whom she hadn’t seen in years. But she knows that even if he appears in front of her out of thin air, she will kiss him and love him  the same way as she did during their time together, it would be as if   nothing happened.

Her husband knows about it , and he accepts it, he accepts that if she meets him again , she will run into his arms and won’t return to him and despite knowing this, this pure soul of a man , her husband , still loves her and respects her , with the hope that one day she might love him like she loves her flyboy. Even for a minute  if she does , he knows he will feel complete, but he won’t force her into it.  Because that is the deal with one sided love, you are bound to get hurt. You cannot expect anything and deep down you know this is madness,  but still you feel powerless in front of them , and you can do nothing but to give them  love with all your might, that’s what he has been doing since he first saw her in the hospital , to the day they married or when they had their daughter, his love and hope never wavered.
He has been deployed to the war zone in Afghanistan and he very well knows this might be his last chance to be truly be with you, but he doesn’t go for it , because he knows how you feel guilty about not loving him already, he knows why you couldn’t kiss him without closing your eyes, he hears you mumbling  “ Oscar” every night in your sleep and sees you waking up from a nightmare, only to find your pillow all wet the next morning. It has become a routine now, and he  knows that no matter what he feels about you, he can’t say it because then you will drift away  further from him. Even if it might be his  last chance,  he has to be  content with the smile you give him while tying his tie or the laugh you treat him to when he acts all silly about something, or the hug you give him with the tiny whisper of be safe. He will be content with it for now , because he loves you. It is what makes him want to  come home safe every time he is deployed, he knows he has to come home to love you , to play with his daughter , to watch all those stupid romcoms with you, play monopoly on a lazy Sunday as a family and feel you wrap your arms around him and rest your head in the crook of his neck when you sleep off on the couch while watching Netflix, or how , sometimes assuming him to be your flyboy , you mumble lovely things to him in your sleep while you have your head on his chest ,an arm around his waist. Even though you realize it in the morning and avoid talking about it , it still is the highlight of the week for him , because his mind mutes out the name of your first love , replacing it with his name.  Thinking this , he ties his shoes and walks over to the breakfast table.
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Oscar didn’t believe in love , he believed in connection, a connection that sparks joy in the eyes of two people. That is what was true to him. Ever since he had separated from Evie , he stopped trying to find that connection all together. He knew he didn’t love his wife , he knew it for all those years, but being a dad changes everything .He made it work every time their relationship was on the rocks because he still felt the connection, not love but , something alike. Unfortunately it takes two hands to clap, and Evie wasn’t remotely interested in extending hers . He had  forgotten every time she was mean to him , and forgiven all those times  she cheated on him, because he wanted to be there for his kids. His heart had been broken so many times in all those years with her that it became numb to everything she did later. Maybe she sensed this, because she didn’t even bother to take custody of their kids. She just left, with her lover in tow , leaving Oscar with a partially signed divorce paper, a two year old infant and a five year old kid.

The pressure of this all together is what made him go to that shady karaoke bar on  that winter  night. It was a combo of what he loved , a good drink and a good song . His love for music was greater than anything he had ever felt, so maybe it will help him deal with this situation. Music had never left him , unlike the  people in his life and he felt grateful for it , maybe this will lead him to the solution or at least do  something that could alleviate the numbness he felt . That December night , the temperature was too cold for his liking but he loved it that particular day, because it felt good to feel something through the numbness ,even though it was pain ,  it was something.

He hoped to feel the same way when he entered the joint, but he got so much more. He was enchanted by a voice he heard through the speaker, singing his favorite song -“ make you feel my love” by Bob Dylan , and  he unconsciously  followed it. His brain filtered everything out , the growing crowd of  people who recognized him from the movies or the clinking of glasses and people cheering on at the game that aired on the TV, he didn’t see anything His body , unaware of anything but the music, moved towards the source of the sound , and Maker, what source it was .

You had just finished singing the song and were moving towards the small group of people seated at a corner table who were applauding for you. And no matter how much he tried , he couldn’t get his eyes off you, and he knows this is creepy and he would look like a pervert , as the sane part of his mind tries to tell him. But the warm feeling he gets in his body  when he sees you acting out silly at what he presumed to be your group of friends, silences everything else.  It is then you lock eyes with him, and recognition replaces the feeling of awkwardness on your face . And that is when he regains consciousness and sees you drifting through the crowd towards him. You stammer through your words, but he is able to make out that you are trying to appreciate his acting skills and such. Getting to his formal demeanor ,Oscar introduces himself and you shake his hand clumsily , but he doesn’t mind , because you look so warm with the pinch  of red covering your cheeks from blushing. But what he doesn’t know is  that you have had a crush on from so many years , and seeing him in person is like a dream come true. Although there are a few more specks of grey in his curls, you had finally met the guy you had been crushing on since you were 18. Now 25 and a Surgical resident at the Mayo Clinic,  you realize nothing has changed and  you are still crushing on him.

Oscar doesn’t get the time to think when you drag him towards the table of your friends , introducing them one by one, nor does he reject you when you offer him a drink . It’s over that glass of whiskey you tell him how you had completed your education overseas , and how you matched with a Surgical program,  here, in New York . He tries to tell  you how his life has been , of course  sparing you the details of his messed up relationship, and rather telling you about his professional ventures. But by god ,you a force of nature.  He doesn’t realize when you became that large warm boulder that sent him tumbling down.

Maybe it was the whiskey, or the company, or the combined effect of both, but he finds himself pouring out the details of his personal life that no one had to know . He finishes telling his part and quickly realizes what he has done, and unsuccessfully tries to change the topic hoping you won’t leak it to the tabloids, but no words come out when he sees you looking at him . It’s not pity in your large black eyes , but something akin care , and he feels, what he hasn’t felt in years and lost hope on….  the connection. Even though he didn’t try for it , and was sure it had died with his heart , it does happen and it only proves itself again when you say the words , the one that make him fall for you , then and there , though he doesn’t realize it until much later , when he remembers it as the  night when he fell in love with you, when you said
“ Why don’t we forget what happened just for tonight , and sing together, the way you would if I was just a girl at a bar and you were just a guy at the bar”?
And the corner of his mouth twitches and , unknowingly he smiles ,for the first time in years. It  isn’t forced, like he does for his kids , or the fake one he gives while giving academy speeches for the awards. It is as true as the universe and  as pure as a child. He nodded and you two were off for the night .It  was you and him, all night , with the mics in the narrow booth , singing songs. Somewhere in between , Oscar finds himself strumming a guitar and singing the song his mother would sing to him as a child , and surprisingly , you know the song as well. Soon it’s you , him and the guitar , through the night, singing both of your favorite songs and  never realizing when the sun  came up  because both of you were lost in the songs , in the company and in each other.
And he knows , he knows that this isn’t the last time he would feel like this again. It would be the first night of the many nights you two would spent in each other’s company.
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PRESENT
Once you had packed your lunch and had packed the bags of your husband , you get your daughter ready for her school play and while the star of your life  Sara , babbles about the play and her friends , you remember that it is late , and pacifying your  annoyed child , you hurry her up and proceed to take her for breakfast. Greeting your husband who smiles all too lovingly at you, unknowingly igniting the feeling of guilt in you  again, you sit down feeding yourself and Sara together in a hurry . Saying your  goodbyes , you drive off to  school. You were glad that it was your week off  today .You  didn’t want to hurry out of the first performance of your daughter. While on your way, you think how little time you get to spend with your family. Being the head of department has its own perks , but it comes with a lot more responsibility . ‘Hell, I should have just chosen Geriatrics when I had the chance' you think , being a neurosurgeon is hectic.

“You should choose the old people one. You do have a thing for old” he said winking.

You smiled at the memory to yourself . You didn’t remember it even existed until now but it showed up in your mind . It was a memory of him , and one of his witty remarks. The age difference between you two  was a matter of concern for him at first , as if he would corrupt your young self. You didn’t mind it , and were sure about him always. He took some time to grow comfortable with it , but after a while, he was  always joking around the topic , and did you ever mind .  Now to think of it , you rather enjoyed the little inside joke you both had, it was perfect , life was perfect, only if everything was fine…..

You reach school in record time and  sigh . Finally reaching on time , You unbuckle your belts and proceed to join the line forming outside the junior wing of the school, even though it was time, the gates were still closed . Maybe the watch is set a little too early. Sara thrn spots the ice cream truck near the senior wing and proceeds to have a meltdown about getting ice cream. Not having the energy to deal with what comes next and having nothing to do , you give in to her demand and go towards the truck , you both place your orders and wait for your turn.

Its then you feel the hair at the back of your neck prickle, and a shiver pass through you, and as if on a instinct you gasp, because you hear the sound, that very same sound that has been tormenting you in your dreams, the one you wished to hear everyday for the past years , the one you had hoped on.

“ Derek just eat the ice cream , I am sure it will make you feel better”
Oscar consoled his now 13 year old son to eat the ice cream. It  did help in his Julliard days to get over stage fright, and it still does . It was a proud moment for him as a father , that his son was representing the state of New York with his theatrics team. At least all his good genes passed onto him, he thinks . That’s when he feels, the same feeling, the feeling of a pair of eyes boring into his back, but it wasn’t stalker-ish  like he is used to, it was all too familiar , like he have had these eyes stare onto his back before, and before he realizes , he hears a small sob and a tiny voice asking what’s wrong.

He knows who it is , and truth be told , he had envisioned this very moment ,everyday for the past 10 years in various forms and versions, but now that it is real he couldn’t do anything but face what lies behind him with tears unknowingly flowing from his eyes . And he sees her.

Destiny has finally brought the lovers together.