I don't think anyone understands how sad I really feel sometimes.
It's like theres a hole inside of me which just spreads making me sadder and sadder each day. I know there's things like depression and other mental illness' but everyone just tells me I'm being silly. Its 'just a hormonal imbalance'.
I don't like feeling this way, I hate it, and hating it just makes me feel so much worse.
I mean, I'm 15 it's not normal to be sad all the time, is it? It's not like theres anything wrong with my life either, usually people say I'm sad because of 'problems at home'. But there aren't any.
I'm the eldest of three, mum named us alphabetically you see, I'm Alice, next comes my brother Billy, hes 10, and then you have Charlotte who's 5. Yes they do get annoying sometimes, always wanting to play, or watch TV or just being too loud while I'm trying to revise. But I know that's not why I'm sad.
It's not mum or dads fault either. They're not the strictest of parents, they don't always let me do what I want, but I understand that they're just setting boundaries to keep me safe. They don't stop me from having fun, hanging out with friends, going to parties or anything like that. They let me be myself, they let me wear the things I like, they let me dye my hair and get piercings.
No, I don't think it's mum or dads fault that I feel this way, or my younger siblings fault either.
I don't understand it, I mean I do, I'm sad and I know what sadness feels like, but I don't understand why I'm sad. That's the part that confuses me.
I don't think it's any of my friends faults either. I have a nice group of friends, they're mainly guys but there are a couple of girls, including me of course.
I prefer hanging out with guys rather than girls you see, girls can get so bitchy and annoying. They always seem to be having silly arguments, but with guys it's just so much more fun, you can go out and be adventurous, go to stupid parties, check out abandoned buildings or even just chill at the park. It just always seems to be better with guys.
And it even feels safer, I'm not saying I'm weak or need protecting but if you're in a group of girls on their own you're more likely to be approached than if you're with a group of guys. They also seem to understand me more. I feel like I can tell them anything and they'll try to understand me the best they can.
It was my best mate Callum who thought I should try and explain to my parents the way I feel.
He thinks I could maybe have slight depression. I know that sounds silly, why would I have depression? I have everything I ever want and I truly am so so grateful for that.
I can laugh and smile and have fun and be so happy but there are some days where I don't want to get out of bed, when I just want to lie alone, ignoring the world because I just feel so bad. I usually try to hide that though, I think it's silly that I'm so sad with no reason to be.
But lately I've been getting so much worse. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I see no reason to. I feel like I'd just be better off gone some days.
Sometimes it's okay, I look at myself and I love what I see, I'm happy being who I am. But other days, days like this one, I hate it. I hate what I see, the way I look, who I am. I hate myself with a passion these days but I hate the sadness I feel so much more.
It's on these days that I feel like I should just stay alone at home, because I know it upsets other people when I feel like this.I try to explain how I feel but I can never seem to get the point across.
It was Callum who I told first. I've known him since I was little, we went through the whole of school together. He's like a brother to me and I do love him whole heartedly.
It had been one of my worst days that I had had to go to school and had gotten in quite early in an attempt to clear my mind before others arrived. I dont like talking to people about how I feel so I'd tried to hide it like any other day.
But it was on that morning, when I was sat alone crying, that Callum had also came in early. Apparently he was going to try and revise. When he has seen me crying he told me I needed to talk to someone about the way I had been feeling.
Everything seemed to fall apart at that moment as I burst into tears again and confessed it all to him. The way that I felt so depressed and honestly didn't want to be alive anymore.
That's the reason I was sitting there waiting for my mum and dad to get home from work. Callum said that I need to tell my parents, he believes that it could be a serious problem.
I don't know what to do, there's so much running through my head right now. I don't know what to say, how to explain. What if they don't believe me? Then what?
Hearing the door creak open I stiffened, my back straightening. I heard my mum call, "Alice, honey? Are you home?", But it sounded so far away. When she didn't get a response she popped her head around the door, seeing me sitting on the old leather sofa.
"Honey? Are you okay?", she questioned in a soft voice. I just shook my head no. Distantly I hear her call my dad into the room and felt them site either side of me. "What's wrong?", she asked quietly wrapping an arm around my shoulder.
It was then that I fell apart, sobbing uncontrollably covered my face with my hands, trying to discreetly wipe away the tears, not wanting my parents to see me this way. I felt them both wrap their arms around me, and my dad asked again, "What's wrong?".
Still sobbing all I could do was whisper, "I'm sad".
We all sat in silence for a few seconds, my sons the only sounds echoing the the house. I felt them both shaking before hearing them laugh quietly. "Oh darling, its okay. It's just hormones silly. Shall we have a snack and watch some TV to calm you down?".
I couldn't believe that they were laughing while I sat between them losing my mind, sobbing uncontrollably. It just made me so mad.
"No!" I screamed shaking as I stood up angrily balling my fists, "it's not just hormones, I dont want to just relax and calm down. I want you to understand. Noone ever fucking understands! Everything hurts all the time, it hurts so fucking bad. I don't even want to be alive anymore! Do you understand this yet? I don't want to keep living this way, it's too fucking hard. Sometimes I just want to hurt myself to get rid of the pain. But I don't! I don't do it because I don't want to hurt you too. I love you both so much, but I just need you to understand how bad I feel sometimes. I feel so fucking alone!"
Collapsing back onto the sofa, exhausted after letting all of my emotions out, I gripped my hair, pulling trying to relieve the pain of my throbbing head.
Again my parents just sat in silence, shocked by my outburst. I waited for them to laugh, to tell me its okay and that there's nothing wrong with me.
Looking back up at them through puffy red eyes I saw a tear rolling down my moms face. Ashamed I whispered "I'm sorry". Knowing that I'd hurt them, hurt me so much more.
My dad put his arms around me and my mum before saying softly, "Oh darling, we're so sorry. We didn't know you felt this way, we really did just think it was normal because of your age. Why didn't you tell us earlier?".
"It's okay honey, we would've understood. Or at least we would've tried to, I'm sorry we didn't take you seriously earlier. We'll get through this, we can get you some help." My mum whispered, tears still trickling down her face.
Hearing the word help I started to sob harder than before, I didn't want to get help, to talk to some stranger about my problems. I don't like talking to people I know nevermind a stranger.
I tried explaining this to my parents but they say I have to, I need too. Even Callum agrees.
I hate this.
Still sobbing entwined in the arms of my parents I couldn't help but think that although I was happy that they were trying to understand, I hated it too. I didnt want 'help'. I just wanted to be understood. So I could cope in my own way.
What would everyone at school think? My friends? My younger siblings? The rest of my family?
I'd probably be mocked for needing help, for having this illness, for having to go and talk to someone.
That's not what I wanted, this really wasnt the result I was looking for.
