Mark quickly wiped the stray tear that was falling from his eye, straightening up from his hunched position over the sink to look at his reflection in the mirror. It wasn't rare that he would just start randomly crying, sometimes he might have been silently sobbing for ages without even realising it. Since he won the games he felt empty, constantly haunted by the look of hurt and betrayal on Jaemin's face as he killed him. Sure winning was one thing, but was it really worth it? The endless pain and sleepless nights would carry through the rest of Mark's life until it got to the point where he found no point in living at all. That was the Victors curse. To go on living, pretending that they were okay, that winning was worth it and the nightmares eventually went away, but to break down once behind closed doors, to live with no feeling. Mark didn't pity himself, he didn't have time for that and he knew this was simply the price he had to pay for winning, for killing the one person who truly understood him. That was his one regret, killing Jaemin. He knew that in order to win there would have been no other way, but he did wish Jaemin had died earlier or had at least been killed by someone else.
He was startled by a harsh knock on the door to his bathroom.
"Mark you're going on stage in 20 minutes, you need to hurry up there." His mentor Hoseok called.
Without responding, Mark flung open the door and stormed past Hoseok, who simply sighed, following the young victor. Mark knew it was unfair, the way he was treating Hoseok, the man was suffering as well he had lost his brother to this year's games, but of course Mark also didn't particularly care. It was Jaehyun's own fault for volunteering, and it wasn't exactly like Hoseok had given him the best advice on how to survive judging by the fact that Jaehyun basically got himself killed by going to look for other tributes alone.
Playing with the top button of his shirt Mark waited behind the large doors of District 12's town hall as the district's mayor introduced him. Mark jumped when a hand was placed on his shoulder. His escort Taeyeon stared down at him.
"Stop tapping your foot, you're about to go on and you look as if you're going to piss your pants. Pull yourself together." She hissed.
Mark hadn't even noticed that his foot was bouncing up and down, that he was wringing his hands, that his palms had become sweaty. Throughout all of his trips to the other districts, Mark was never nervous, not even in his own, but something about District 12 was setting him on edge. Maybe it was because he had stood by and watched as Taeil slit Jeno's throat, holding Jaemin back from saving his friend. Maybe it was because he would have to look Minjae in the eye knowing he killed her brother. Maybe it was because he already knew that the people of this district would hate him. He had watched as one of their tributes died and had been the sole cause of death of the other.
Mark wiped his hands on his black trousers and stepped forward through the door onto the stage as the citizens of District 12 welcomed him with polite applause. He pulled out the cue cards Taeyeon had given him and let out a shaky breath.
"Thank you for welcoming me Mr Mayor, it is an honour to be standing here today as the Victor of the 50th Hunger Games." He began, reading the sentences laid out for him by Taeyeon. It all felt wrong but he kept reading. "Since I was a child, I'd always wanted to visit this district, knowing of its valued role in Panem's society and here I am. Thank you to all of you for providing Panem with the necessary materials that keep this country running."
He paused as he read through the next sentences on the cards. He couldn't do it. He couldn't say the things Taeyeon told him to. He finally looked up to the platforms where Jeno and Jaemin's families were standing under large holograms of the two boys. Mark felt tears drip down his cheeks as Jaemin's hologram smiled. He couldn't do it. He pocketed his cue cards.
