Storms To Weather - M. Shadows fanfic

Part 2 - Hurt

A nurse sat on one side of Elizabeth, Matt on the other. He clutched at her hand, whispering promises of never letting it go. Her breath came in judders, a hint of a rattle at the base of her throat.

"I'm here," he reassured her. "I'm here with you, Lizzie. I'll be here until the end."

He wasn't sure if she could even hear him. The room was silent, save for her quiet gasps. He hated the moment, yet cherished it at the same time. He knew what was coming and cowered from it, and yet he wanted her suffering to end. Every second that passed, he found himself torn between praying for another second with her and praying for that second to be her last.

All too soon, she let out a long breath, completely emptying her lungs. He waited for her to breathe in again, every moment feeling like an eternity, but her face only relaxed, and the worst silence he'd ever heard and felt clouded around him.

"Lizzie?" he asked softly, squeezing her hand. "Elizabeth?"
But she stayed motionless, no little gasp to fill her lungs came.

"She's gone," the nurse said softly. "I'm sorry."

"No," he uttered, almost silently. He repeated it over and over, growing louder with each reiteration, as though it might bring her back to him. Eventually it all ran into one hollow, forlorn howl. Just one more breath. One more moment, please. "I'm not ready, Lizzie. Don't leave me. You can't go yet, please." He gripped her hand tightly, terrified that if he let her go, he'd lose her forever.

"Lizzie, please. Lizzie!"

"I've got you," the nurse whispered, wrapping her arms around him.

"No, I can't... I can't... Lizzie!"

"I've got you, bro," the nurse's voice continued, growing deeper. "Matt, wake up. It's just a dream, it's just a dream. I'm here."

Matt's eyes snapped open. He blinked furiously as he caught his breath, trying to take in his surroundings. "Where's Lizzie gone?"

"It's Brian, dude. You're in my guest room," came the voice from beside him. "It was just a nightmare. You were shouting in your sleep."

Matt tried to slow his breathing as he made sense of the darkened room. He became aware that he was covered in a layer of cool sweat that prickled at his skin. "Brian," he managed, looking up at his friend in bewilderment.

"Yeah, I'm here, bro," his friend answered, loosening his arms from around Matt. "Are you okay?"

Matt nodded, screwing his face up as the dream faded into the darkness. The nod slowed, gradually becoming a shake. He felt the acid of grief bite at the corner of his eyes and he choked out a sob. "I can't do it," he stuttered out, running his shaking hands through his hair. "I can't."

Brian didn't reply, he simply tightened his arms again, knowing that no words he could say in this moment would help.

"What do I do, Brian?" Matt asked desperately, the tears rolling thick and fast. "What do I do?"

"I don't know," Brian admitted, trawling his mind for anything that would help. "You just have to survive. Get through each day any way you can, and we'll all be by your side to carry you when you need it."

Matt dissolved into huge wracking sobs, his whole body heaving, and Brian held him tightly, vowing to stay with him until he could sleep again.








She was barely recognisable towards the end. Her skin was greying, her cheeks hollow; she'd lost a lot of weight in the last month. 'Dying isn't glamourous, Matt,' she used to say on her good days, when she felt positive enough to make jokes. In her final days, she was too weak to really say anything, though she frequently called out for him in a way that broke his heart.

She'd been unwaveringly positive until the final month, and then her hope had shattered, the fragments lying beneath their feet, crushed a little more by every doctor that entered the room. The fear slipped into her mind, and she became terrified of what was to come. She'd always loved life, she wasn't ready to give it up, to give Matt up. She'd wanted a wedding, children, to bake to her heart's content until she was too old and frail to turn the oven on. All of this was being stolen away from her, and she was going... she didn't know where. No one knew. No one could tell her if she was going to some softly lit, flowery afterlife, or if she'd fall into to a permanent, dreamless sleep.

She'd deteriorated quickly when the time came. She'd seemed so normal until then, besides the hospital visits and her sickness. In the last weeks she'd not had much energy, and in the last days she'd had almost none, sleeping the last of her life away.
Matt never left her, he only let go of her hand when he absolutely had to. He wanted to spend every last moment they had together by her side, and he did.












"How are you feeling today?" Heidi asked sympathetically as she buttered some toast.

Matt sat at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee. "I'm alright," he answered gruffly.

"Brian told me you had a bad night."

"Yeah," he muttered, trying to block out the memories that were dancing freshly around his mind.

Heidi set a plate of toast in front of him. "Try a little something to eat," she urged, pushing it towards him. After flitting around the kitchen to dig out a collection of jams and spreads, none of which Matt really wanted, she sat opposite, concern lining her face.
"You know you can talk to us if you need to, right?"

He sighed heavily, "I know. I don't want to seem ungrateful or anything, I'm just trying to focus on getting through one minute at a time. I don't want to be in my own head right now."

"I get that," she nodded, taking a bit of her own toast which she'd spread liberally with jam. She chewed thoughtfully, before speaking again. "Maybe the party tonight will provide a distraction?"

Matt squirmed a little. He didn't really want to be around people right now. He cast her an apologetic glance, "I'm not sure I feel up to the party. I might just hide out in my room, if that's okay?"

"Of course, you do whatever you need to," Heidi replied hurriedly, reaching across to hold his hand. "Perhaps we shouldn't have had the party this year. It's a bit insensitive in hindsight. I'm sorry, we could always cancel it?"

"Jesus, Heidi, no," Matt scolded, managing a small laugh. "Don't you dare cancel it on my behalf. I don't want the world to stop for me - life is different enough already. I need that normality, I just don't think I'm quite in the right place to join in yet."

"Okay," she nodded slowly, "well, just say the word if you need to and I will call it off."

"That really won't be necessary," Matt insisted, finally picking up his toast and taking a small bite. His willingness to eat seemed to allay her worries a little, and she gave him a small smile as she went back to her own breakfast.








The day passed in a flurry of party preparations. Heidi spent most of the day in the kitchen, slaving over canapés while Brian 'folded the napkins', which he took to mean literally folding them in half lazily while watching the game on TV. Matt half watched him with amusement, knowing that as soon as Heidi saw Brian's efforts, she'd hit the roof and redo them all herself while cursing.

As the evening rolled around and all the Christmas lights warmed the house with their glow, Matt began anxiously listening out for the doorbell. He felt guilty for not attending the party, especially when he'd be in the same building, but he just couldn't face seeing everyone. It wasn't just the idea of watching happy couples, though that killed him a little in itself, it was more the pitying looks he knew he'd get. He didn't feel like putting a face on and pretending to be happy for them.

The Haner's Christmas party had become an annual Boxing Day ritual, one that up until this year, he'd joined in with merrily, but then he'd always had Elizabeth on his arm in the previous years. She'd loved the parties, always forcing Matt to wear some hideous Christmas themed garb and insisting that he dance with her to her favourite songs. She always demanded a kiss under the mistletoe to end the night.
The mistletoe hadn't been hung up this year, perhaps on purpose...

The doorbell rang out, signalling the arrival of the first guests. Giving Brian a quick nod, Matt made for the stairs and headed to the guest room that he'd settled in. He'd stashed a few beers under the bed, and planned on getting drunk by himself with some shitty TV, and then unashamedly crying himself to sleep.








The festivities were in full swing downstairs when the doorbell pealed again.

"That'll be Zacky and his sister," Brian predicted, pointing towards the door.

"He isn't usually this late to parties," Heidi remarked, looking at her watch.

Brian chuckled knowingly, "Yeah, but they had to pick up Jimmy."

"Ah," Heidi grinned, "That explains that. The Reverend Tholomew Plague, eternally late."

She disappeared to answer the door, returning a few minutes later with a jovial following. She offered drinks to the new guests, skipping over Jimmy who was already drinking champagne from the bottle.

Brian jumped up at the arrival of Zach, curiously taking in the young woman beside him. He would never have recognised her, except that she had the undeniably trademark emerald eyes of the Baker family. Long, jet black hair cascaded down her back in carefully styled waves, and her slim, boyish figure was adorned in a plum coloured dress.

"Mariana," he grinned, pulling her into a hug. "It's been far too long! Ten years, isn't it?" He threw Heidi a cheeky look as she playfully raised an eyebrow at him.

The young woman gave him a dazzling smile, "Yes, it is! Can you believe that? I'm so excited to be back in Cali, to get away from the humidity if nothing else!"

"How long are you here for?" Johnny asked, taking a swig of his beer.

"Actually," she smiled, "I'm not going back. Huntington Beach was calling me home."

"Damn right it was," Zacky nodded. "It's about time you came home, sis."

They all raised their glasses (or champagne bottle, in Jimmy's case) and toasted her return, before falling back into their separate conversations. Heidi stole Mariana away, pulling her easily into the chatter of the women to get to know her. Mariana had moved to Florida well before Johnny had met Lily, and before Brian and Heidi had become an item. She was essentially a stranger, but they welcomed her into their circle as though she'd always been there. That was what they were all about - treating each other as family.








Wine glass still in hand, Mariana danced on her tiptoes down the hallway to the toilet. Damn wine. Typically, it was already in use, the door locked tightly. She rolled her eyes, and after a moment of wiggling impatiently on the spot, decided she could wait no longer and set off in search of another. Upstairs, she assessed her choice of doors on the landing, before deciding to just start checking the rooms. She had no time to spare. Nope, not that room. No, that's a music room. Maybe this one?

Matt jumped as the door burst open. A raven haired girl tumbled in with a little squeak, looking around the dark room nervously until her eyes fell upon him. He knew he must have looked a state, curled up on the bed, messy haired with red rimmed eyes.

"Oh my gosh," she gasped, "I'm so sorry. I didn't realise anyone was up here."

"That's okay," he stuttered through the haze of the 3 beers he'd sunk, "Were you looking for something?"

"A toilet?" she asked hopefully, not seeming to pay any attention to his appearance.

Matt gestured to the en suite, "Knock yourself out."

She gave him a grateful smile as she wobbled across the room, placing her wine glass on the chest of drawers, "Thank you!"

He watched her, vaguely amused by her teetering on her heels - she was obviously half cut. He dried his eyes as she closed the door and grabbed the remote to lower the volume on the TV. He'd been watching Elizabeth's favourite Christmas film (The Muppets Christmas Carol), which has proved so far to be a torturous exercise. He wasn't sure why he was watching it - he'd cried from the first scene - and yet here he was, halfway through and still a teary-eyed mess.

The toilet flushed, and she reappeared, giving her damp hands a little shake. "Thank you so much," she gushed, grabbing her glass, "I thought I was going to burst."

"No problem," he nodded, returning a weak smile as she made her way back across the room to rejoin the party.

At the last moment, she turned back to him. "Hey," she exclaimed, moving closer to him, "you're Matt, right? I knew someone was missing from the party."

"Uh..."

"I'm Mariana, Zacky's younger sister?" she offered, waiting for the penny to drop.

Matt studied her appearance as she drew nearer. The dark hair, the bright green eyes, the slightly pouted lips; he could have kicked himself for not recognising her. "Sorry, I can't believe I didn't notice it was you," he apologised, shaking his head in disbelief. "They told me you were coming home."

"How come you're up here and not with the party?" she asked, looking him over and finally taking in his tearstained face. "Oh. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he brushed the question off quickly. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," she argued, sitting beside him on the bed. Her sudden interest in him was completely uninvited, and yet he didn't seem to mind. It was successfully drawing him away from the pain of Kermit's cheerful singing.

"When did you get back?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Christmas eve," she answered, kicking off her heels and crossing her legs, getting comfortable. "I can't believe how much everyone has changed, and how much has happened. Like Brian married? Unbelievable. Heidi is wonderful, and they are so perfect together, but honestly? I thought he was going to grow up to be a man whore. I'm shocked."

Matt felt the corner of his lips twitch, "Yeah, he surprised us all there."

Mariana grinned over at him, her eyes crinkled with glee. There was something different about the way she looked at him. Her smile seemed so genuine, her casual demeanour so natural. He couldn't put his finger on why it felt so relieving to him, and then he realised. She didn't know about Elizabeth. She looked at him without pity, she spoke without avoiding the subject of happy marriages. She was just... normal.

"So, why don't you come down and join the party? You sick or something?" she pressed, peering at him. "Is it contagious?"

"I'm not sick," he reassured her, fearing she might recoil away from him like everyone else did, "just tired."

"Tired?" she scoffed, nudging him. "That's no excuse not to join everyone. Come on, you can be my plus one."

He raised an eyebrow, "I'm already invited."

"So, get down there," she insisted, pulling gently on his arm. "We need to catch up."

Matt shrugged out of her grasp, "I really don't want to."

The small lift in his mood came crashing back down. It had been a breath of fresh air to see someone who didn't know about Elizabeth, but his reluctance to join the party reignited the notion that he was now abnormal. His eyes brimmed with tears once again, and he turned away from her hurriedly. He didn't fit in down there anymore.

Mariana was taken aback by his sudden display of emotion. "I'm sorry," she rushed anxiously, "I didn't mean to upset you. God, I always put my foot in my mouth."

"It's not you," Matt replied, his voice crackling. "I'm just," he paused, "I'm not in a party mood."

She winced, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pressure you or anything. I should have realised you didn't want to join by the fact that you're up here already."

"It's fine," he shook his head, "you didn't know."

Mariana bit her lip, unfolding her legs, "I'll go. I didn't mean to disturb you."

Matt grabbed her wrist before she could stand, "No." She looked back at him questioningly, as he tripped over his words, "Don't go. It's kind of nice not to be alone." They tumbled from his mouth before he could stop them. Fuck. It sounded weird, he sounded weird. "I mean, you can go, I just..." he sighed frustratedly, "I just... I don't know."

She looked him over, her eyes clinging to the damp tracks on his cheeks in the soft light from the television. "I can stay," she shrugged. "You look like you could use the company." She pulled her feet back up onto the bed and settled herself beside him. "So," she began, "what have I missed? Fill me in."









By the time the film had ended, they'd covered the past ten years of the band and of almost everyone's life. Everyone except Matt's. The talk had flowed easily up until this moment, and now he found himself lost for words.

"And what about you?" Mariana asked, finally, taking a sip from her glass. She'd long since drained the wine, and Matt had produced another bottle of beer from under the bed to top it up. "What have you been doing?"

Mourning.

"Not much," Matt lied with a shrug, nursing the half full bottle in his hands. "I've been pretty wrapped up in Avenged."

"And?" the girl beside him pressed. "You must have had something else to fill your time?" Matt shrugged, so she continued on, "Oh, come on. You've told me the nitty gritty of everyone else's life, you even told me about Johnny's pet tarantula, but when it comes to you, you've just been singing?"

"And writing songs," he insisted, "though not so much lately."

"And?" Mariana pushed, raising her eyebrows insistently. "No pets? No girlfriends? No tequila themed mishaps?"

Matt stiffened, then finally relented. "Yeah, I guess. I had a girlfriend for a bit, but not anymore."

"Oh," she replied, his body language making her pull back on the third degree a little. "Sorry. Girlfriends are shitty anyway," she shrugged, quickly adding, "You're probably better off without her."

"I'm really not," Matt protested, a harsh laugh escaping his throat. "If I still had her, I wouldn't be sat up here sniffing at some stupid Christmas film while everyone else has a good time downstairs."

"Why don't you try calling her?" Mariana coaxed, her green eyes jaded with sadness. "Things can't be that bad you can't fix them, right?"

Matt looked away from her. He was about to drop the bomb that would change everything. Now her mouth would turn down at the corners with sympathy, and her eyelids would wear the weight of pity when she looked at him. He took a deep breath, accepting his fate, "I can't, unless you have a line to the afterlife?"

She caught on immediately, physically shrinking on the spot in embarrassment. "Oh my god, I'm sorry," she blurted, "I didn't know. No one told me. Now I've really put my foot in it."

"No, you haven't," Matt sighed. "You couldn't have known."

"And that's why you're up here by yourself?" she asked gently, her green eyes searching him for answers.

He nodded, "I'm not much of a people person now."

"I can imagine," she replied softly. "How long has it been?"

"Ten months."

Her eyes widened for a second in realisation, "So it's your first Christmas without her?"

He swallowed and nodded, his mouth twisting as he heard the words out loud.

"Fuck," she mumbled, hesitantly putting an arm around him. When he didn't recoil from the physical contact, she asked, "What was her name?"

"Elizabeth," he smiled, "but we all called her Lizzie."

"Lizzie," Mariana smiled, turning the name over with her tongue. "That's pretty. Where did you meet?"

Matt was taken aback by her eagerness to know more, but he relaxed into it quickly. It was so nice to talk about Lizzie, especially when the person listening wasn't sitting awkwardly and wishing to be anywhere else in the world. Talking to Mariana was a breath of fresh air.

And so Matt found himself telling her everything about Lizzie. How they met, her favourite songs, the ridiculous collection of shoes she owned and her passion for baking, finally coming around to her love of Christmas. He'd laughed as he'd talked about her wild dance moves, cried as he'd told her about their first date, and lamented over how much he missed her. Mariana had listened to every word without even a flicker of discomfort or embarrassment.

When it had come to Lizzie's illness, Matt had decided to gracefully sidestep the topic, and Mariana hadn't probed. Instead she smiled warmly at him.

"She sounds wonderful," she concurred, as Matt came to an embarrassed standstill, realising that he'd been talking about Lizzie for a good hour.

"She is," he nodded, before grimacing. "I mean, she was."

Mariana squeezed his hand, "She is. Why don't we toast her?"

"Toast her?" Matt repeated, looking at the glass in his hand oddly. "I've never... it's never felt right..."

"We've got drinks, and you've got good memories," the dark haired beauty smiled, "why not just try it?"

Matt hesitated for a moment, watching the little bubbles dance their way up to the top of his drink where they popped hastily into little explosions of fizz. "Okay," he agreed slowly, "I'll try it."

She gave him a dazzling smile and raised her glass. He followed her movement, lifting his own glass to the heavens that he had hoped were real so badly for Lizzie's sake.

"To Lizzie," Mariana toasted softly.

Matt swallowed, feeling the tiniest weight lift from his shoulders as he opened his mouth and whispered, "To Lizzie."

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