Help Me Restart.

The hunts.

I held my head up, wiped out the tears that are now replaced with blood and tried to calm myself down. I now feel anonymous, unknown without both of you. The road is empty yet full of feelings, memories, emotions, full of you, full of us, full of the happy little family I created. I tried desperately to clear my mind, but all my trials ended up in vain, I didn't want to see you anymore. I mean, you aren't there, so why the fuck am I hearing your voices?! Why the fuck I can see your faces fading and reappearing again?! Why the fuck are you haunting me, haunting this road that still is empty but feels horrifying. Why wouldn't you just leave my mind, my thoughts? Why do you mind letting me live in peace which became so god damn hard to reach?! Lord what have I done?! What have I become?! I still try and retry to empty my mind as I run this time, as fast as I could, closing my eyes not to see your faces again but guess what? You live in my mind. It wouldn't work. You'd still haunt my thoughts and hunt down my mental health, you'd still smile creepily, you'd still look at me as the monster I turned out to fucking be! I run and run as I'm screaming and no sound was coming out. I run and with every few steps I find myself on the ground again, filling it with my own wife's blood. And as I stand up for the 7th time already and intentionally start to run, the picture we had just the day before everything went chaos fell out of my pocket and as I lean to pick it up, my knees betray me letting my forehead kiss the ground and everything turning, suddenly, dark until I started crying the guilt out of my soul as I see the picture that I held come at me and with Joy dropping a couple of tears I could hear his voice again, torturing me again, building up the guilt I now know I have to live with, saying "I'm already dead, Father. Why does mom have to die as well?" Everything went chaos after that, and I couldn't help but redig in my memories to find myself holding Joy in my arms again.