Wish

Chapter 11

Okay I'm leaving a warning at the beginning of this that there is mention/description of a panic attack in this chapter. So if you are triggered or upset by anxiety and panic attacks then skip this chapter.

Otherwise, I hope you enjoy.

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I spent the weekend catching up on homework and writing my personal statement for university. I don't know who thought that was a good idea? Who is good at writing down everything good about themselves? I found myself questioning my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, it was exhausting. Mum tried to help me as much as she could, telling me I was very organised and had great time management and that I was friendly. Which is great and all but how would that set me apart from other students wanting to get into uni? Eventually I gave up and told myself I'd go and see the Head of Sixth Form for advice on Monday. I hadn't quite decided which university I wanted to go to yet. I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay near Mum or get as far away from everyone here as possible. Maybe Antarctica has a university.

I woke up on Monday feeling a little better. I'd avoided my phone and all social media over the weekend and found myself in a better head space. I decided today I wasn't going to let everyone get to me. I needed to toughen up and just ignore everyone else. Easier said than done, I know, but I was really going to try. I arrived at school a little earlier than I had been recently so I had time before registration. I was walking down the main corridor of the school, on my way to reg class, when I saw people huddled around a notice board. Usually the notice boards around school were where bulletins were placed by staff to announce things to the student body, such as school plays and whatnot. Usually students didn't take much notice of them aside from a passing glance as they walked by to see if anything applied to them. So, it piqued my interest to see so many people crowded around it. A second later I spotted Phoebe emerging from the crowd.

"Don't look." she said, starting to pull me away from the crowd, not letting me anywhere near whatever had been posted on the board.

"Why? What's wrong?" I asked, pulling out of her grip and edging towards the crowd. When I got closer the crowd parted to let me see what was on the board. So much for my plan to not let anyone get to me. On the notice board there was a picture of a stripper with my face photoshopped onto the head. Above the picture was the caption: Amber the slut looking for new clients! With my phone number written below. Justin pushed his way through the crowd and stood behind me, his gaze burning holes through the poster. At least I wished it did, then it would have been destroyed. I quickly tore down the poster but it was too late, so many people had already seen it.

Laughter. All I could hear was their laughter. The crowd had closed back up so I was literally surrounded by people laughing at me. I was caged in. My head felt like the world was spinning. My hands were clammy and tingly, sort of like pins and needles but without the asleep feeling. My stomach felt about ready to bring up the toast I'd had for breakfast and last night's dinner. I needed to get out. Their faces mocked me as I looked around for an exit. They blocked my path. I needed out. My head started to swim, feeling light all of a sudden. Was I going to faint?

Their laughter eventually was drowned out by the sound of my own heartbeat, which was way too fast considering I was standing still, and there was a faint ringing in my ears. I could feel a weight on my chest, as if someone was sitting there, crushing me. Subconsciously, I brought a hand up just to check that there wasn't really anything pushing down. There wasn't. That knowledge didn't lessen the ache though, if anything it grew until I felt like I couldn't breathe. Physically, I knew I was breathing, but it felt like there wasn't enough oxygen in the air.

I couldn't take it anymore. I ran. I pushed my way out of the crowd forcefully. Somehow, despite my legs feeling like they wouldn't be able to hold me much longer, I managed to work up the strength to shove people out of my way. Once I was outside of the crowd my legs took off in a sprint, heading for the main entrance without a second's hesitation. I needed air. I couldn't breathe. I ran. I didn't know where to, all I knew was that I needed to get outside. I ran to the reception, out the main door of the school and didn't stop running until I was around the corner where no one could see me.