Cold sweat glistened on Josuke's furrowed brow. With hands clasped tightly in front of his stomach, he constantly fiddled with his knuckles, weaving his fingers in and out of each other gracefully. Pacing up and down as if determined to wear a cracked, flaky trail in the grout-stuffed porcelain kitchen floor tile, he stared down at his own feet. Beautiful dress shoes made of premium leather dyed black covered them and added an elegant charm to his outfit. His eyes were large and watery and as he paced he constantly punched one hand into the other.
Rohan hadn't been home in two days. Not since Josuke turned down his sexual advances, and refused to give him a reason. He had agreed to come talk over dinner, but he was running late.
"He stood me up," Josuke muttered to himself. "I'm such an idiot-"
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
The man's bright blue eyes lit up and he quickly made his way through the house to the door. Opening the door, his face broke into a joyful smile.
"Hello, Josuke," Rohan muttered, spitting the words out of his mouth as if throwing frozen glass daggers.
The smile faded slightly as Josuke greeted him and tried to grab his hand. Rohan looked down, absolutely appalled, and without a second thought, yanked his hand away.
"I would appreciate it if you wouldn't touch me."
"I- uhm... I'm sorry, I was just going to guide you in-"
"I don't want to come in. I want to talk to you."
Josuke nodded, chest beginning to hurt, and leaned against his door frame.
"I think we should take a break. You've been avoiding me lately, I don't know what I did, but it sure as hell isn't something we couldn't have discussed."
"Rohan- I haven't been avoiding you, I've been avoiding your sex attempts, you know that!"
"Why? You can't just avoid something and not tell me why."
"I wasn't ready! I'm sorry I want to wait, sorry I want to know if it's really love before I have sex with someone!"
Rohan's eyes darkened and began to water. "We've been together for three fucking years, and you don't think I love you?! What the HELL is wrong with you?! Wait, no, you know I love you. You don't know if you love me. You don't know if you love me and yet you've pretended you do for years," he snarled, snot running from his nose.
"You think I don't know that?! You think I don't know if I love you?! You're always playing the victim, Rohan! It's always you, you, you, everything's about YOU and I'm sick of it! Just once, could you pay attention to my feelings?!"
Rohan pushed Josuke back through his doorway harshly. "You're an asshole! The things I've done for you, done to be with you, did you forget about those?! The time and money I've spent on you-!"
"Shut up! SHUT UP! Shut your fucking mouth for once, Rohan! Money doesn't mean SHIT to me! Money doesn't equal love, and that's where you've gone off the deep end!"
"You don't think I've tried to show you love?! YOU reject ME each time! We get past french kissing and suddenly you have some shitty excuse to leave and not talk to me for another three days! I'm starting to think you don't want any of this at all, Josuke!"
Tears welled up in the younger man's eyes, threatening to spill over. He kept his mouth shut, unable to speak, until the dam broke. When Josuke cried, there was an intense rawness to it; almost like the pain was still an open wound, filled with salt and lemon juice. He collapsed onto his small couch and his whole body began to violently shake. The sobs were stifled at first, but the harder he attempted to hide his feelings, to once again don his usual steely facade, the worse he would be overcome by the wave of his emotions. He would break down entirely, all his defences washed away in his heartbroken, salty tears. When he at last turned his face up toward Rohan, he was a picture of complete and utter grief, loss, and devastation. It was the face of one who had suffered before and didn't know if he could do it again. Josuke couldn't do it again.
"R-Rohan, you and I both know t-that I want this more than anything. I was even g-gonna-," he stopped and shook his head, running his large hands over his face. "But I guess it doesn't matter now."
He took a deep breath and began again.
"I'm just scared... you k-know how I was treated the last time I had sex in a r-relationship," Josuke shuddered, recounting the horrible fights and extensive cheating on him.
"Me waiting to have sex with you is just a self-preservation thing... because once we go there, once we're that close, that intimate, I'll be stuck in love with you. I don't want to go there just because we're horny or because that's 'what lovers are supposed to do.' So, for my own sake, I need you to feel the same. That this is something you want, that you'll keep me, that you want me to keep you. That you'd want to spend the rest of your life with me. That's all it is," Josuke admitted embarrassedly, tears splattering on the floor.
Rohan stood in stunned silence. How was he supposed to respond to that? He hadn't even thought of anything but yelling at him.
"Josuke, I-"
"It's fine, I get it," he sniffed, wiping his hand against his nose.
"Oh, don't do that, here." Rohan pulled a small pack of tissues out of his bag, handing them to Josuke tentatively, who blew his nose and wiped his tears with it. They sat in silence, and Rohan's stomach churned until he broke it.
"Josuke... I'm sorry I yelled at you, I didn't understand everything, I didn't have the whole story and I'm so sorry I didn't pay more attention," Rohan muttered, brassy alto voice wavering, tears teetering on the edge of his bottom lashes. Guilt came crashing down upon him, he felt as though he had killed someone.
"It's fine, I should have b-been more forward... I get if you don't want to sta-" Josuke took a deep, two-tiered breath, one that caught in his throat temporarily. "-stay and I'm s-sorry-"
"Shhh, it's not your fault." Rohan perched himself on the couch cushion next to him. "Can I tell you something?"
Josuke nodded, body still shaking while tears flowed from his bloodshot eyes. Rohan slid a little closer, placing his hand on the younger's.
"To be honest, I thought you didn't want to because you had found someone else... you're a really good guy, Josuke, you could have anyone you wanted. I just figured you had met someone better for you than I am, and were distancing yourself..."
Josuke shook his head. "There isn't someone better for me, Rohan. That's the thing. I'm scared of losing you to my own insecurities and problems and-"
Rohan grabbed his face and placed their lips together, kissing Josuke in an attempt to say all the things he couldn't get out. He kissed him and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rested below his ear, his thumb caressing his cheek as their breaths mingled. Josuke ran his fingers down Rohan's spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and he could feel the beating of his heart against his chest. Close will never be close enough.
They pulled away to breathe, and Rohan finally broke. Broke over the thought that he had been selfish, that over three years, he hadn't been able to show Josuke just how perfect he thought he was. He shook his head but said nothing, only shoved his face into Josuke's chest as guilt took over his body and sobs tried to knock him off the couch. Josuke kissed the top of his head and held him tightly, trying to comfort him.
"I don't blame you, you didn't know, and just the fact that you apologized is enough... It's not your fault and I don't want you to hurt," Josuke lifted Rohan's chin up and wiped the tears from his eyes.
"Please, just... just say you'll stay with me," Josuke whispered, kissing him gently. Rohan nodded into the kiss, and finally laid his head on the younger's chest.
It wasn't long before Rohan found himself waking up on the couch, face imprinted with the folds of Josuke's shirt. He smiled and kissed the other's cheek before snuggling back into his chest. As much as last night hurt, it had made their relationship stronger, much, much stronger than ever before. He jumped slightly when Josuke kissed his forehead.
"Morning," he yawned, voice deep and scratchy. Rohan smiled and returned the greeting before his stomach growled loudly. Josuke jumped up and hid his face.
"Oh my god we didn't even have dinner last nig-!"
"Super greasy fast food run?"
"You absolute genius! Ugh, I love you!" Josuke grabbed his face and leaned down to kiss him excitedly, and upon pulling back, the two began to giggle like children.
"Just get in the car, stupid," Rohan snorted as he lightly pushed Josuke to the door. He knew he'd never go anywhere again, because his only home is where Josuke is. Josuke is home, and Rohan wouldn't change it for the world, no matter how much he says otherwise.
