Thoughts

My Movie

     I'm going to be deathly honest right now. It doesn't feel like I'm alive. It feels like I've already died and just I'm just rewatching my life like a movie. A movie where I'm the only one in the theater. I'm serious, I'm not sure if this is real or not. It feels like a dream. A long dream that someone is having. A dream of someone who is happy, has many friends, isn't yelled at by their parents, isn't mentally ill. I just want to wake up one day to a better live, but I know that I can't, I never will. This is reality, and it won't stop unless I end it or someone else does. I kind of wanna end it, but I won't for my friends' sake. For a few certain people on this earth, I won't.
     Yet, I want this to stop but I don't want help. I'm getting help but i don't want it. I'd rather say sad than be happy. Why? Because I'm afraid of change. I don't want to change the person who I've been for so long. I don't want to have new emotions that I don't know how to deal with. I just want to stay the same as I am right now. I don't want anything to change. Nothing, because if something does I won't know how to react. And I'm scared of that. So, I'll just stay here, watching my movie.