Surface Deep

-1-

The sharp edge of the shovel hit the hard clay. She cried, sniffling under the starlit sky. I watched, wearing a thick scarf around the bottom half of my face to shield me from the frigid winds.

"My brother tried to stay with me after the drugs took over his life." I scoffed at the ridiculousness of the idea. "I didn't hesitate to turn him down. He would learn nothing if I coddled him."

She didn't answer, and I didn't expect her to. Her job was not to talk but to dig and to listen.

"Ma used to be so proud of him when we were kids. Good grades and all. Well, look at him now, Ma. Look at him now." My fingers clung to the autopsy report as the wind threatened to snatch and carry it away across the dark and lonely skies. I had been so angry at the findings I skimmed the information, stopping when my eyes landed on the cause of death. "You know, she was the one who spouted karma and getting back what you put out. As much as Jimmy was a pain in my ass, he didn't deserve this." I shook the papers at her. "Not at all. Not this."

I folded the papers and slipped them back into the security of my jacket pocket, allowing the rhythmic clang of metal to dirt to dull my pain. It was her sniffling that prevented me from doing so.

"Sir, please." Bellows of fog exited her lips as she spoke, disappearing into the chilly air around her.

I raised a leather gloved hand to the wind to silence her. "There's no point in wasting your breath. You're soon to need every bit." It was hard to harbor sympathy for someone as cruel as her.

She sniffed and sobbed but continued to dig the shallow pit.

"I used to watch him, you know." I narrowed my eyes out of instinct. "I'd keep my distance and park my car along the curb. He hadn't changed one bit, still choosing to snooze under that filthy underpass instead of cleaning himself up and sleeping in an actual bed. I always wondered why he took an interest in begging for money instead of he and his lowlife friend putting their heads together and getting a job." I scratched the area on my neck that always tingled with mention of Jimmy but couldn't satisfy the itch.

She coughed this time instead of sobbing, and I sensed the plea perched on the tip of her tongue before it leapt. "I'm sorry."

I pressed my forefinger to my shielded lips to quiet her. "You believe in karma, don't you?"

She shrugged, refusing to make eye contact. "I don't know."

I nodded to the pile of dirt, urging her to continue her duty. "Some call it an eye for an eye, some call it justice, some even go as far to say it doesn't exist, and life is nothing but chaos and a series of random events. I call it payback."

"But—"

"Easy now." I gave her a look to discourage her to continue. Thoughts of trying to hammer home to Jimmy how he was better than the asphalt he slept on entered my mind. "You should know how I feel about having to repeat myself. You should know by now how hearing the same things over and over makes me angry. I lose my shit when I'm angry."

Those were the words I used to say to Jimmy one too many times that only went through one ear and out the other. How many ways could I communicate that I would not take care of a freeloading moocher? If he wanted someone to take care of him, he'd have to try his luck somewhere else. He wouldn't learn if someone was always there to make things easy for him, giving him what he asked for without him having to lift a finger or break a sweat. That's why he ended up where he ended up. Dead.

"You know what happened the last time I saw him?" I kept my eyes on her, not expecting her to answer as she languidly held the wooden shaft of the shovel. "I drove next to his beat-up tent on the side of the road and rolled my car window down. Yeah, I get it. I'm not the only person driving a black BMW with the windows tinted, but that didn't stop him from seizing an opportunity. As soon as I rolled my window down, he tucked his head inside and propositioned me before even straining his eyes to see he was offering his body to his own brother! That's what shoving needles into your arm does to you. Makes you do crazy, disgusting things. Too bad he didn't learn his lesson." Before the girl could use my pause to speak, I added, "How was he behaving the last time you saw him?"

Her puppy dog eyes filled with tears, but I ignored them to stare at the black and blue ring around the pale skin of her wrists. It nearly made my heart sink. But people like her didn't deserve that reaction. "I don't know."

"Oh, I can tell you." I pulled the papers from the safety of my pocket and lifted them in the frosty breeze, allowing the sliver of moonlight to peak behind a cloud and light the page. "Cause of death; traumatic asphyxia due to blunt chest trauma."

Upon hearing that, her upper half slumped forward onto the pile of dirt just outside of the pit, allowing the mucus from her nose to stretch over her chin. "Please, sir."

"Please? Did his begging stop you from hurting him?" I gulped down the lump of guilt that crept up my throat and reminded myself karma was a bitch.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She held the handle of the shovel with both hands and dropped her head in defeat. The sound of distant traffic near the highway filled the air around us and drowned out her faint whimpers. The night was taking its toll on her energy. Her exhaustion was apparent in her weak sobs as her heaving shoulders seemed to have an issue with going against gravity. I could only assume she no longer had the strength to scream.

"Dig." I pointed to the dark hole until blade met gravel again and the sound became more rhythmic against the ambience of faraway noise pollution. For how Jimmy suffered, I would allow no mercy. Would karma have mercy on its subjects? "Dig and cry and dig and cry. The only things you'll be able to do."

Yes, I hated Jimmy. I loved him just as much. And in my eyes, the best kind of love was tough. Either way, he didn't deserve to go out the way he did. No one does.

It had been months since they found his body at an old junkyard, and as far as I can tell, authorities had lost all give-a-care in finding his murderer. That wasn't unusual for lowlives without a home, career, or family. But I had my resources and done enough digging myself to find what I had been looking for, for so long. And here she was, standing before me. Finally awaiting her fate.

I studied her innocent act. And the more she huffed and puffed at lifting the shovel, the more heated anger bubbled in the pit of my gut. "You thought no one would put two and two together, huh? You thought you'd get away with it? A pretty, innocuous young lady. No one would suspect a thing."

"No." Her response required more effort as she struggled to lift her head. "That's not true." Her voice even lacked the energy to be convincing.

"Someone saw you do it with his own two eyes." Jimmy's vagrant tent partner, Paul, and his tattered clothes popped into my head. "At first, he was hesitant, angry that I had tossed my brother aside to fend for himself for so long. But low and behold, as soon as I allowed a few dollar bills to make an appearance, he wouldn't shut up."

I relived that moment in my mind so vividly, even the stench of body odor lingered in my memory. 

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