rare. |a.k.|

fifty eight|nightmares

TW: blood and death

***
𝔸𝕨𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕟'𝕤 ℙ𝕆𝕍

Two months. Well, two and a half. I'm home in 9 weeks. Single digits.

I stared at Lucas, trying to grasp what he was saying. But all I could think about was how graphic that fucking nightmare was. I never have those. My dreams aren't usually like that. They're not realistic like that, they're just supposed to be weird.

"Awsten?"

I snapped out of it and noticed I was staring at the ground. I looked up at Geoff.

"Uh, yeah, sorry," I shook my head. "Continue."

"Uh, okay," Lucas hesitantly said, "like I was saying. Bus call is at 6. We have more to talk about then."

The rest of the meeting was a little shaky because I didn't catch the first half of it. Every time I closed my eyes I just saw Charlie's face covered in blood. The image of that would haunt me forever.

"Hey, are you okay? You're face is literally white."

I looked up and saw Otto looking worried.

"Yeah, no, I'm uh," I looked down and my hands that were shaking. I clenched my fists.

Otto sighed and patted my back as he walked away.

Hopping up into my bunk, I grabbed my laptop and opened FaceTime, calling Charlie. When she answered I saw her in bed.

"What." She said sleepily.

I focused on her, trying to push away the image of her slumped over in the car seat next to me.

We talked about things for a while and it was really nice. She just kept saying thank you. Although I said "you're welcome", I wasn't 100% sure of why she was saying it.

That nightmare was the first of many. I had to stop watching the movies we'd been watching the whole tour because it reminded me too much of everything. Every night was a different situation where a different person I'm close with dies. But I live. And it's always my fault.

I wasn't paying attention to the road in the dream where Charlie died. I told Jawn it was safe in the dream where he was shot. I was the one who convinced Geoff to go sight seeing at a place that was bombed, not only killing him but his family.

I always lived. I had to suffer.

After I stopped watching those movies, the nightmares stopped. I never told anyone. Everyone asked why I wouldn't watch the movies and I said I was bored of them.

So I instead listened to music and played games on my phone. I never downloaded games but Charlie forced me to before I left and I wouldn't delete them until I got back. Luckily, although they were stupid, they came in handy.

Scrolling on social media just made me miss everyone.

I just had to focus on tour. The people. My friends.

•••

"You had your own Awsten Knight,"