Chaotic Mind

Last

Hello to whoever is reading this. I'm now at a state where I feel like I have lost everything. I've lost myself and the people I love. My heart is full of despair and I just want it to stop when I hear it screaming for my help. I want to help it but I don't know how. The only person I trusted with all of my heart changed and well, I don't really know this person anymore. I lost my way with words, I can't write like how I usually do. It's really hard to not feel sad about a lot of things in my life. I tried telling this to the people I love but they shut me out and told me that I was just overwhelmed. The few people I trusted shut me out too, and well, they also scarred my heart and well, they told me to grow up and be stronger than this. I know that I had to, but its really hard to heal. I just really needed support. I always get such harsh comments and hate from other people, but I cant seem to handle it if its from someone I love. I guess they're exhausted from putting up with my sadness. I just really want it to stop hurting so badly. 

I'm very tired and I want to rest. I want to ask for help but I know they cant help me with this. I want to ask for company but I don't want to be a  burden. I know they're already dealing with something and seeing them hurt because of my state hurts me to. I've been having some trust issues too. I wish some bad things in the world didn't exist. I'm also upset about that. I wish I was normal too and accepted some of the norms here in the world... That's what I wish for more than anything. Maybe I wont make people sad if I wasn't against things that occur normally. I'm very insecure and I'm sad because of that. I feel like because of being weak, I make many people sad and adjust for me. It really upsets me as well. 

I feel like I don't belong here because I'm against things that are supposed to be normal. I feel insignificant and misunderstood because some of the people I love don't try to understand the weight that I feel. I feel confused because I really want to end my despair but at the same time I cant since I'll end up making people sad and I feel like I'll be making a mistake. I feel useless because I cant help myself nor help others. There are times that I want to help, but in order to do so, I have to do something I'm against. I don't know how to feel about that as well. I want to make people happy, but there are times I cant do that since I'm too weak and abnormal. 

I feel insecure because of how people adjust to my shortcomings. I feel angry and irritated at myself because well, I just really sabotage myself that much. I want to get better and I know how, but its really hard to accomplish. I'm already giving up myself, I'm telling people to let me go because honestly, I feel like I'm someone who could be easily replaced. I have a lot of weaknesses and they could probably replace me with someone who is stronger. I feel like I don't really matter and people are forced to stay with me because I feel like this and act this way. I feel like I cant breathe, nor move, nor do anything. I feel like I should just give in to what's normal and accept what my belief is against. 

I feel a lot of pressure like its feeding off from my very existence because people demand and expect something from me, and if I'm not able to do that, I'll be very sad since they will be disappointed in me. I feel stupid because I cant do things that are deemed to be simple. I feel guilty because of all the people I've hurt. I feel sad alone because, I just do somehow. Probably because people don't really share the same beliefs as me and value what I value in my life. I feel mediocre, its like for me, I feel like people stay with me since they have no other choice. I feel unworthy of the things I get since I cannot return some of those because of how I am right now. I feel somewhat ugly. If you'd find out from someone you care about that they expected you to be things that you are not in reality, it just really gets to me.

Why am I typing all this.. well I'm just very tired of all these. I just really want to rest but I cant seem to close my eyes. I'm terrified of so many things and I've started to doubt and not trust so many people. I'm afraid of them, and hurting them. And well, I don't deserve them to be honest. They deserve so much better than well, me. I never want them to experience these feelings. I never want them to feel this way. Because it really hurts and it's going to torment you every second of your life. So if you encounter these people by any chance, I hope you take very well care of them and yeah, make them feel happy and appreciated. 

I failed to do that because of how I am and well, I'm sorry for not being the person they expected me to be. I'm sorry if I'm being like this. I feel like I robbed them of something that they deserve and I feel like I was not able to be the person they needed to help them or make them happy. Eitherway, sooner or later, I'll be letting go of all these feelings. I don't know if it will work but, I like to think that it would despite it being somewhat impossible. I'm not giving up on you guys, but I'm giving up on myself. I did love all of you. I guess at the end of the day, I loved all of you and that's what matters right? My heart has died, but at least its with all of you and it's not going anywhere else. And if you are reading this, you know who you are, I never dreamed of replacing you with someone else. You'll always be my one and only. Thank you, I'm sorry, I love you and I hope you're proud of me for fighting this long. 

I guess this is where I say goodbye. Remember me and what I believed in, the four majors. 

I love you all.