Under - H.S.

Blue

If I could describe my life in one color it would be blue. Cliche, I know, but there's really no other color that would be able to capture how my life really feels.

I wake up, instantly longing to be back asleep. I go through the motions of my day-to-day schedule with whatever motivation I can muster.

I dont show it easily, that much I know. I can easily smile, laugh, make others feel as if I love my life, but all I truly feel and have ever felt is blue. And it makes me hate the color blue.

I've accepted that I will probably never be content with myself or my life. I'm not even sure if I really know what that feeling is.

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety when I was 12. fucking 12. While other 12 year olds were most concerned about if their crush liked them or if they had the new shoes all the other girls had, I wanted to die. At 12. I once didn't think i was going to make it past 18, but here I am, a 22 year old and now questioning if i'm even going to make it past 25. Blue.

Today is one of those days where the color blue shows up particularly strong, the action of getting out of my warm bed and brushing my teeth even seeming harder than normal. But I know I have to do it.

I look at my phone once again realizing it's 7:45 in the morning and I know I have already taken up enough time wallowing in the blue of my life. I collect any energy I have in order to get up and rush to get ready. All I know is ryan would absolutely murder me again if I was late.

I pull on my tan-cargo pants and white halter crop top and run to apply a little bit of makeup to make myself look less like a zombie.

"Shit shit shit shit" I mutter to myself as I throw every article of clothing around my room in search of my shoes.

"Ah fuck yes" I shout as i find my docs under a pile of my clothes mixed in with some old food bags. Ahh good ole depression.

I take one last look at myself not completely hating what I see. I look alive, I look put together, I look okay. I will be okay today. Today will be a good day.

I look at the time on my phone so I can gage just how much deep shit I'm in this time with Ryan. 8:15 am. fuck. I sprint out my door and down my driveway into my car making sure to kiss Butter on the head on my way out. He was in too much of a deep sleep to even notice though. I'm jealous.

I park my car in the lot and run up to the door checking the time one last time. 8:40 am. Not too bad, I definitely have showed up a lot later.

"You're late" a voice speaks as I immediately walk in, and it takes me about .001 seconds to know its Ryan speaking to me.

"I know I know, but don't be mad at me. Butter was being a complete bitch this morning and demanded my attention. He just wouldn't let me leave" I remark as I hang up my purse and keys on the hook and put on my apron to get to work.