Well....Shit🔪

for fucks sake

I keep having shitty dreams of you waking up and realizing you want somebody else

Not just anybody tho, no. This somebody would kill me and idk I'd like to think you wouldn't

But that's not my choice to make

I want to do this. Even if it kills me. Because maybe it'll help you

That's kinda the whole point lol

But maybe it's stupid. Maybe I should let this go before it hurts too much

We're in a good place right now.

Knowing you woke up happy for once feels bittersweet

Is it happy that you're free of doubt or free of me?

I can't wait for these thoughts to go away

In my heart I think you're just feeling better about me not "waiting for you" rn just in a good mood that comes as goes

In my head - and I really hate it here - you're happy to be free of me. And my problems. And my nuisance. But I guess I won't know until I'm whole again

If I'm ever whole again

I told you I'd wait. Not because I have to, but because you are genuinely what I have been waiting for all my life

But I want to wait for us, not for the moment that us isn't what you want anymore

And that's what's scary about it all

Lying awake and thinking that your growth means you'll grow away from me and the love I thought we both shared

Did you ever love me? At all? Undoubtedly?

You are great and good. Kind, loving, selfless to the point I just wanna pinch you, and deserving of happiness. Whatever or whoever that may mean for you

I know you think I am too

But I don't want what you think I deserve. I want you

For a while anyway. Who knows what's gonna happen everyone thinks we'll get back together

But for some reason I look at you and......I think you've out grown me. I felt it our third month in, but I chose to keep loving you. And being with you. Making memories and fantasizing about futures that I wonder if you ever even wanted now. I knew what I was doing when I suggested what I did. Maybe that's why it didn't hurt so much. Because I'm some way I had prepared myself for your rejection.

Ill get over this eventually. The pain. I mean

Idk that I'll get over you, but I know I'll never forget all that we were or could've been.

Maybe this is turning more toxic and stalkerish than it was intended

I promise I'm not gonna stalk you lol

I'm just feeling melodramatic right now

My inner Shakespeare needs an outlet that is non responsive and entirely my own

But anyway

Please grow and learn and find yourself. You found me when I wasn't even looking. Imagine what you could find if you're trying

I love you for however long that will last