We're Finding Hope In The Hopeless

And I Couldn't Shake The Feeling That Something Wasn't Right

My heart jumped.

It skipped.

It danced, and swirled and flipped all around inside my chest.

I was finally going home to spend Christmas with my beautiful wife and baby. I couldn't sleep the whole plane ride and my body absolutely refused to be still. Once the plane landed, I ran to the bus. I impatiently sat in the driver's seat waiting for everyone to get on my level.

"Damn, Ricky, so excited to get home." Balz laughed.

"I want to see my gosh damn baby!" I laughed and legally drove as fast as I could to Scranton. We dropped off Chris first, then Ghost, Ryan, and lastly Balz. I was last and wished our manager a Merry Christmas before running up the steps to my house. I reached for the knob and thankfully the door was unlocked.

What I walked into was not what I expected.

A giant tree occupied a corner of my living room with lights more beautiful than any tree I've ever seen. Fake snow was piled on top and below my fireplace and the couch's old pillows were replaced with new, festive red and white ones. Garland was placed neatly on the stairs, the fireplace, and anywhere else it looked reasonable. A ridiculous amount of poinsettias were on the fireplace, the stairs, and on the floor by the tv. I was so mesmerized by the beauty of Christmas I didn't even think of where Blaze and Scarlett were.

"Merry Christmas," Blaze kissed my cheek and made me jump, "even though it's not Christmas yet."

She grinned and I turned around to see her and Scarlett dressed in Santa outfits. She took her hand down and I realized she had mistletoe in the hand that wasn't holding Scar. I laughed and wrapped my arms around them both.

"I missed you guys so much." I found her lips and made it count. Unfortunately, the mistletoe was no longer above us but who cared? Scarlett squealed and I kissed her forehead.

"Where'd you find these weird outfits?" I smirked and poked at Blaze's Santa hat.

"A weird store." She posed and kissed Scarlett's cheek. Scarlett let out a piercing squeal and we laughed. I picked up my bags and walked upstairs while the girls followed. Instead of properly putting away my things, I left them by the closet and sat down on the bed next to Blaze and Scarlett, who was innocently and cannibalistically chewing on her fingers.

"I love you so much." I whispered in Blaze's ear and smiled. My lips were barely touching her neck and I felt her shiver. A smile slowly formed on my lips and I could hear my own heartbeat. It said a lot of things but I mostly heard "kiss her".

I placed my hand on Blaze's cheek and turned her face towards mine. She had such a beautiful and innocent face on that I couldn't help but smile again. I noticed her nose ring was missing and was replaced with a royal blue stud.

"New stud?" I spoke quietly.

Blaze nodded, "Reminds me of her eyes." We glanced down at Scarlett who was looking up at us with her big eyes. I took her in my arms and kissed her nose. She smiled with her gums and it instantly made me smile.

"You're as beautiful as your mother." I stood up and walked out of the room and to Scarlett's. Blaze followed silently and watched as I put Scarlett in her crib to sleep. She refused for some time before finally relaxing and holding on to her teddy bear that Ryan got for her. When she closed her eyes, I wrapped my arm around Blaze's waist and led her back to our room. Blaze seemed confused but hell, so was I. What was I planning? I searched my mind quickly and smiled. I turned around to meet Blaze's confused look.

"I missed you a lot. More than you think." I reached out and pulled her closer to me. I hear her inhale, taking in my smell, as I did with her. Once again, my heart danced. I felt her grab the back of my jacket and tighten her hug. We sat like this for some time before she let go and kissed me.

There was something in that kiss that said so much and I needed it. My lips fell in sync with hers and I felt her teeth graze my lip. My mind shut down and I couldn't fucking think. Passion kicked into gear and everything from there was just based on emotion.

Her fingers were beyond tangled in my hair and my hands couldn't feel enough of her. The stupid Santa outfit threatened to put me on the naughty list but I couldn't care less. It was on the floor in seconds alongside my pants. I hadn't noticed how pale Blaze had gotten and it reminded me a lot of the past.

I closed my eyes to rid myself of the memories and tried to enjoy the moment. But something about it all made me want to stop and just make it count.

"Blaze," I mumbled against the crook of her neck.

"Yeah?" She breathed out. The softness of her voice didn't help my sanity any.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Blaze pulled my face down again but I refused.

"No, I love you. Like I really do love you."

She finally smiled and put her hands on my cheeks. She pulled us nose to nose and stared into my eyes.

"And I love you too. Always have, always will. Forever and always, remember?"

The quote from our wedding vows broke me down and I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed Blaze now. I devoured her passion in a greedy manner, worse than any moment we'd ever had. Her skin was so warm against mine, sending shivers down my spine.

* * * * *

"I'm going Christmas shopping for you." Blaze whispered sweetly in my ear and kissed my cheek. I groaned and buried my face in my pillow. I could hear Scarlett gurgling her weird baby noises and I tossed Blaze's pillow over my head.

"When will you be back?" I mumbled.

"Hm?" I felt the space next to me sink with Blaze's weight.

"When will you be back?" I peeked at her from under the pillow.

"Not too long." She smiled and I noticed she was wearing my leather jacket. I smiled in return and closed my eyes for some more sleep.

I woke up again to someone moving around in the closet. I figured it was Blaze and opened my eyes. I was right; she was taking neatly wrapped boxes out of the closet and carrying them downstairs by the arm full. I slipped out of bed and grabbed a few, walking into her at the doorway.

"Whoa, you scared me." She placed her hand over her heart and I chuckled. "Nice bed head, by the way." She ruffled my hair even more and giggled. I rolled my eyes and went downstairs to place the gifts under the tree.

Thankfully, Blaze hadn't found where I hid hers. I placed it in the best place ever; she would never find it. Scarlett laid on the carpet in front of the fireplace, staring at the ceiling. I picked her up and carried her into the kitchen with me for some water.

"What'd Mom get me, huh, Scarlett?" I smirked at my stupid joke and kissed her cheek. She smiled and placed a slobbery finger on my lips.

"Mm, thanks for the kisses, Scarlett."

Blaze walked in and chuckled at us. Scarlett reached a hand out and Blaze took her in her arms. I kissed Blaze on the forehead and shoved my hands in my pockets.

"I'm going to shower."

"Alright, we'll be down here. Claire's coming over soon."

I nodded and walked away for the bathroom. While in the shower, I thought about how I functioned without Blaze for so long. Being with her now made me realize how much I needed her and wanted her.

I slid my hand down my stomach to wash away the soap and wiped my face. I let out a slight groan and ran my fingers through my hair. There was something on my mind that I just couldn't put my finger on.

What the fuck was wrong?