they've all been strong too long (Under Construction)

~7~

A/N So Im being nice here and giving you a pre-written chapter because I'm nice and losing some motivation and writer's block. Would you like another book that is based around mental illness? Love Em

It is impossible to find a comfortable position in the narrow grave. The moisture has been looking inside his clothes and worms and crawling beads beneath him. Patton should get up and climb because this is crazy. But he himself has chosen this. He clasps his hands over his stomach and closes his eyes. The tools of meditation, to let thoughts come and go, sound so laughably easy. But everything spins like a dryer in your head. Nothing can be sorted or put aside, but big and small have the same weight and importance.

Hopefully, he will gain new insights. And maybe he can forgive himself. Once life had taken him all the way to the top and there was nothing major to fight for, then something glow went out. The kicks failed. He dropped the sting when he had already realized himself. Patton believed that the training would keep him in good spirits and give him new strength. It started with two sessions a week but tracked down as with everything else he takes care of. All or nothing. It became like a drug. Or an escape. Early mornings, late evenings, then training even on weekends. Gym, running and cycling. Very time consuming and exhausting but at the same time an explanation that he couldn't be home and help. The more he was gone, the paler Virgil became.

He never complained, despite disappearing into himself and the job. What would he say? After all, it was he who provided the family. A clear division that could not be called into question. Even when he had been hit by the car and had head and neck pain, he left in the morning to cycle five miles. Leave him alone with three children, one with a proper cold and thirty-nine degrees of fever.

Who does so? Just an idiot is liberating to admit that he has been a pig. Everything becomes so much easier then. Self-instinct lands with him at the same rate as the clay eats itself into his trousers, shirt and his swanky jacket. He has already lost hope of being forgiven. There is too much that has happened, so many stupid things he has done. Unpardonable whim.

He started to sleep at work because that was easiest. It was so heartbreaking to just be home and see how the family longed for him. They wanted more than he could give them. The children demanded his attention even more intensely as he tried to pull away. It made him easy and he needed a free zone in his home the few moments he was there. In the sauna, he could lock himself in and be at peace.

Maybe he should never become a father? Patton forces himself to face the horrible thought. Does he not love his children? Nora, Imaj and Cleo. Yes, everywhere else. But they are better off without him.