Myself

Self Therapy - Myself

This is about me. My emotions, life, decisions and thoughts. I don't care what others think about this memo. This is just my way of coping with life. I write it all down in hopes to get relief in any way. So I will introduce myself to this memo first. I feel like it should know me. At least this memo should. So, this is me. I'm Lucy, female and a soon-to-be adult in August. I will turn 18 soon. I'm from Germany, lived in San Antonio, Texas for about ten months and seem to be very complicated. I am allergic to pineapple, penicillin and too long artificial light exposure.
In my almost 18 years of life, I had three boyfriends. I have many siblings and live with my grandparents. I have an older half-sister called Samantha, and two other younger half-siblings called Julien and Julie. I also have an "adopted" older sister, Kimberly, and two siblings in Texas from my host family, Kimberly and Shania. My adopted sister is the oldest of us. Then it's Samantha, Kimberly from Texas, me, Shania, Julien and the youngest one, Julie. So to put it short, I have five sisters and one brother.
My parents broke up when I was about half a year old. But they were very young at that time so I can't judge them. My mother had her first child with 15/16 and me when she was about 18 years old. My father was in his twenties then. Since they split up and I live with my grandparents all I hear are bad things about my mother and my sister Samantha. And it hurts, I'm not gonna lie. "Your mother didn't quite succeed in life" and "Your sister will drag you down" are some of the things I have to listen to while it's not their job to judge my hard working mother. They can't accept that she had to give up her dreams to raise her two children. She couldn't finish school and had to get work somewhere while my father was done with school, had his diploma and worked. My mother, therefore, had to give all that up for her two daughters. She had to move from one place to another just to work. She then also lost her oldest daughter to an orphanage. It took us years to get her out of there. The neighbors called the police that day claiming that my mother left her child alone for two weeks so they took her from us. It took us about five years to get her back. She wasn't an orphanage like the others there, she had her family. But we couldn't get her back because they didn't trust our mother. They said, she didn't know how to properly take care of her child, that she's irresponsible and they didn't believe us when we said that my sister wasn't home alone for two weeks by the age of twelve.
I was never really able to see my mother a lot, so same was for my sister. The times with my mother were always the happiest. Even if Samantha was stubborn and always got everything she wanted. I let her have it, because my life has always been much easier than hers. She didn't know her father, our mother wasn't the wealthiest and always had one boyfriend after another. She never had the newest of anything. She got the things others didn't want anymore while I only had to ask in order to get it as a preset on my birthday or Christmas or Easter. So I always understood when she took the better thing away from me. She was always so jealous of the life I was given that she was never able to see how I felt and still do. She wanted to live with my grandparents, live inside a big house and have a lot of money to buy new toys and school supplies. She wanted a big TV, a radio, an LED Desk to draw, a big bed and no worries if they can make it through the next month. And I always understood. If I was in her shoes, I'm sure I'd want all that too. But I'm not. And I always wanted to be around my mother and sister. I didn't want my strict father to yell at me every day and my grandparents to be disappointed in me. I didn't want the money or the toys I had. I wanted a family where I was welcomed in a warm manner. I wanted to have pets like my sister. I wanted to be around my cool sister that had so many talents that developed through the years. She could paint and draw and ride a horse, she could play keyboard and the drums, she was crafty and full of creativity and motivation. I wanted what she had. To be around our mother, to be welcomed and supported, to have have a person to talk to and someone that comforts you when you are scared. I wanted to be a child too. But I was always pushed to be considering and behave like a grown-up, putting myself last.