The Keeping of Words | Spencer Reid

49| Everything to Lose

I'm one with the Force and the Force is with me."
"He's praying for the door to open."
"It bothers him because he knows it's possible."

Reid reached over to grab the remote, pausing the movie. The characters of Rogue One froze in place on the screen.

"Why'd you stop it?"

"Because you're falling asleep," he said. Bianca sat sideways on the sofa, her back to the armrest, leaning into it. A thick blanket lay over her, which she'd pulled up to her chin. Her eyes were closed, but the expression on her face was peaceful.

"I'm still listening," she protested, voice soft. "I like this bit. It's spiritual. If you think about it, may the Force be with you is kind of a blessing, you know."

He chuckled lightly, but set a hand on her arm, his thumb moving in gentle strokes over her skin. "Are you feeling okay, B?"

A nod from her. "Yeah. Just tired."

Even so, he worried about her. "Are you sure? Have you been eating enough? You're not stressed out about anything?"

"I'm okay," she said. Eyes slowly opening, she looked up at him with a gentle smile. "I'm eating. I'm resting. And despite everything, I'm actually not as stressed as I thought I would be."

"What do you mean?"

Bianca offered a half-shrug, shifting on the couch so she could sit up more. "I mean, I know Scratch is still out there and there's still going to be a trial. And things are crazy with work as things keep changing in the world. I think it's just because you're home now." With one hand, she touched the locket around her neck, the same one he'd given her two Christmases ago. "Not that it's a good thing, you being suspended. But when you were gone, I was constantly scared something might happen to you. That one day I would say goodbye and never see you again. When you were home, there was always this knowledge in the back of my mind that at any minute you could get called away. So even though the future is so up in the air right now, it's just nice to have you here. To know that when I come home, you'll be here. That I don't have to be afraid of losing you right now."

She grabbed his hand, fingers intertwining with his and giving a quick squeeze. "Does that make sense?"

"Yeah," he said. And it did. That same knowledge had hung over him every second they had, though they always tried not to acknowledge it. It was like trying to grasp fistfuls of rainwater, hold to as much as he could, make every second with her count before a phone call would whisk him away to another part of the country. It made every moment with her more special, made him cherish all the little things that they couldn't afford to take for granted – waking up late on the weekends, having meals together, going grocery shopping.

At the same time, it was terrifying. There had been many an occasion in the field when he genuinely thought he might die. In those moments, several questions would flash through his mind. Who would tell his mother? How would the team react? What would happen to Bianca? It never failed to astound him how much he managed to think of her in those brief flashes. A scenario would play out in his mind sometimes. Garcia or Rossi, or maybe JJ, knocking on the door of their little house. Bianca would answer and their expression would say everything. She would break down. He couldn't bear to imagine beyond that. There had been a time in his life when he thought it wouldn't matter to anyone if he died, that the world would carry on without so much as blinking. But he couldn't forget her reaction when he'd overdosed. Her panicked pleas, begging him not to leave her. How she'd cried at his bedside when he finally woke up,

He couldn't bear the thought of hurting her. In Milburn, he had often wondered what would happen if he died there, or if he never got out. What legacy would he leave? What would he leave behind on this earth? What would Bianca be left with? Their child. An ailing mother-in-law. Mountains of questions and a broken promise. Bianca was one of the strongest people knew, but everyone had a breaking point.