blossom

i long so badly for love. for what the people in novels and movies feel. perhaps it's all fake, maybe it's only the side effects of a young teen. or listening to sweet by cigarettes after sex. but i want it so badly. for someone to be there no matter what. to utterly and completely be my other half. the last piece to that immensely rewarding puzzle. they will understand me like nobody else. they will be there forever and ever. no matter how many times i screw up. we will indulge in the most beautiful of things. the things that fill me with joy. the stars, a clean bed, music, a cluttered room.  joy, pure endless joy is all i will feel. i long to come across someone who makes me feel beautiful. i'll feel whole, they'll love me so much. losing me would be an endless hell. we'll cherish each other. comfort each other. everything will click exactly into place and life will be magical. the books make it seem wonderful. i can only imagine the feeling of falling completely in love. i want love so bad it makes me cry. the moments won't come anywhere near being replaceable. it will all feel  like a dream, their hands on my face. inhaling each other's steady breaths, lips barely pressed together. our bare skin colliding, the giggles and crescent eyes.  the eccentricity of the person willing to go along with any idea i propose in a heartbeat. there silly nicknames and all. the nights of simplicity, the days of sunshine, all of it. and i sit here, lonely and unhappy with life. but i know that someday, someone will make me feel alive. i will have what augustus waters and hazel grace lancaster have. what elio and oliver felt. katniss and peeta. will and tessa. fuck it, thomas and teresa. all one lovely story, each day better than the one before. so i sit here and wait for the time when my eyes will be opened. the time when i can blossom.