Suicide, Self-Harm, and Depression Help

Excerpt

Fair Warning. I do talk about my self harm in this unedited excerpt. If it will trigger you please skip past until you see the lines of ******** and ~~~~~~. I don't want to cause any harm to anyone. I love you ❤️

Yes, it's true that suicide and depression go hand in hand with each other, but everyone assumes that if you're depressed, you're suicidal, and if you're suicidal, you're depressed. That isn't always the case. I remember when a few kids saw the scars on my legs during physical education class. They all immediately assumed I was only depressed. That was never the case. I've always been a very energetic and talkative person, even when my world was falling apart around me. I was always the kid who kept laughs going. When students first learned that I was suicidal and started questioning me about why I didn't "act depressed" I would get sarcastic and say "Sorry I forgot to carry my dark and stormy cloud around." Just because I was suicidal doesn't mean I was depressed. I've always been an optimistic person; always saw the bright side when someone put me down. I think my self-harm tendencies and addiction came from being a masochist in a way. It's like my pain pushed me to be a better person. I enjoyed the pain.
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I enjoyed the feel of a razor cutting my skin, the blood coloring my skin.
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​Throughout elementary school and parts of my middle school years, I was bullied. People pushed me around, and like most people, it molded me into the person I am today. I believe that's where I started thinking that pain is the only way we can grow and evolve in the world. Honestly, I believed that until I was talking with a few friends. They didn't know about my scars or my addiction, but they mentioned getting a family member help because he's suicidal and harming himself more and more. After that I kept to myself and started reevaluating myself and the way I perceived the world. I learned then that my pain isn't the way I should be living life.
​Now that suicide has become a bigger topic in the world, many ask the question "Why would someone intentionally hurt themselves?" You can never truly understand until you've been in that situation. After a few fellow students learned what I went through they suggested I talk to my parents and see a counselor. I, being the scared young child I was then, avoided the topic being brought up to my parents. Instead I talked to the school counselor about it. My mom might know about it, if not, she definitely suspects it. My dad is probably still clueless. I'm truly a Daddy's girl but it's all smiles and love and "spoil the only daughter rotten". Yes that's right, the spoiled daughter, mind you the only girl out of four children, is suicidal and self harmed.
​Being suicidal never just "goes away". I still have thoughts every once in a while and now they hit me harder than they used too. But this is all part of growing up. I've learned to listen to music, or talk to someone about it. If not, I turn to art. Writing music, writing stories, drawing, these are all ways for me to relax my mind. So if this is how I relax myself, how do others relax if they are in the same position I was in with no one to help them?

SO after reading that crazy nonsense about myself, if any of you ever need to talk I will post my social media sites here and on my bio (more than half my bio was erased and I'm confused as to why?)

Never be afraid to get help my loves. There's always someone even when you feel like there isn't.

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Keep Your Head Up Beautiful, you'll make it through. ❤️