Snowfall // Shourtney

15

Tomorrow is our last day. This week has been fun with the an exception or two. It took a week out here to realize that I have these complex feelings for Shayne that I can't really explain.

It's just the feeling of being with him is enough to make me happy. Do I love him? Love is a word I never really thought about when it came to him. I mean, yeah of course I love him, but as a friend. Unless I love him as more than that. I really don't know.

Love always confused me. I never knew what love truly meant. Google says "an intense feeling of deep affection" and I really do trust it.

Is that how I feel? Do I intensely feel deep affection for Shayne? These are the kinds of thoughts that have been keeping me awake every night.

I've stopped asking Olivia about this stuff because whenever I do she always says that it'll happen. When she says shit like that I start to feel hope, but later realize that it's hopeless. It hurts to feel that. To have a sense of hope for something you want so damn much, but to be faced with the reality that it will never be a thing. No matter how much people try to tell you otherwise.

I've cried over this. Multiple times. I've never really been one to cry over a guy. It's usually movies or upsetting events that make me cry. This must really be upsetting for me, and the weird part is that I don't even know why it upsets me. I must be in love with him. There's no other explanation for it.

But to be in love with your best friend? That's hard. I don't want to ruin the relationship we built over these past 5 years, but I also want to be with him always. When did life get so hard?

God, I sound like me when I was writing my diary entries.

I always imagine us together. Whether it's sleeping together or just hanging out as a couple. It makes me yearn for it even more and I can't stop it. It makes me want to go to him and just tell him everything.

I try, but I always get nervous because I don't know how he'd react. What if he thinks I'm crazy or even stupid for feeling something like this? It would ruin our relationship completely. Imagine how awkward it would be for him knowing how much I feel for him.

I say this because I know that he doesn't feel the same as I do. It's just obvious sometimes. Olivia and Damien have both been trying to tell me otherwise, but I know what the truth is. I know he just sees me as a friend, and that's all he'll ever see me as.

It really hurts, but it's true. So very true.