To Be Enough (HiyoIku)

Prologue

What began in the glittering waters of a pool, ended in the equally glittering waters of another pool.

The voice of the announcer boomed from the loudspeakers: Up next is the relay, let us welcome our swimmers from... Hiyori could not focus. He walked to the edge of the pool, almost in a trance, his usual smile more of a subconscious habit than an expression of gladness. He should be happy. He was finally swimming a relay with Ikuya. But he wasn't.

They say time dims all memories, that every precious moment eventually bites into dust, but Hiyori had clung on to that sunny day he first met Ikuya in the pool with unshakable tenacity. He could recall the way sunlight ricocheted across the water surface, the glittering water beads in Ikuya's hair, the stars that shone in his eyes and most of all, the bright, bright grin he wore. He'd not seen Ikuya grin like that for the many years to come, but the memory had been enough. Now, that same grin lit up Ikuya's face again, like the most natural and beautiful thing in the world. 

As Hiyori dived into the water and pushed forward, controlling his breaths and feeling the water recede like the sceneries left behind by a moving train, he willed himself to be happy. It had been his dream to be in a relay with Ikuya. This was supposed to be a dream come true. Yet all he felt was his world unravelling, a house of cards that, after he'd finally fitted the crowning piece at the top, came crashing down. He could feel the balance hanging precariously for a moment, a perfect triangle, before disintegrating to settle into the debris of reality.

He swam faster, faster, faster, his heart racing, his heart breaking. He had stared, wide-eyed, as Ikuya's form dived gracefully into the water and moved with mesmerising beauty towards the other end of the pool. In that instant, Hiyori understood that the Ikuya he knew and loved was leaving him, swimming farther and farther away. There would be no looking back, no goodbyes, and the Ikuya who returned to the starting line would be a strange, new Ikuya who was more cheerful, playful and alive, born from an individual medley against Nanase, born from Nanase's arms.

The image of Ikuya sobbing into Nanase's arms, crying Haru, Haru, Haru, seemed seared into Hiyori's mind. The image was a throbbing, gaping wound, and Hiyori knew it would leave a scar in him so deep it would be forever branded in his mind's eye. Had Ikuya ever opened up to me like that in all the years we've been together? he asked himself, knowing the answer was a simple no. He could feel himself picking up speed again, as if he was desperately trying to outrun the realisations that would finally, irrevocably, break him. But there was nowhere to run.

You can try or lie all you want, but you're just a wannabe friend Ikuya tolerated. He never saw you as a real friend, much less anything more. Left arm, right arm. Ikuya always complained that you're meddlesome and overbearing, now you know he didn't mean it affectionately. Breath in, breath out. Ikuya had always wanted to be special, well, he meant special to Nanase and the world, not to you. Touch the wall, turn, kick. Look at you, trying for years and years to make Ikuya open up, and Nanase succeeding with just one swim and one hug. Don't think, just swim. You're the villain, aren't you, the bad guy who stopped Ikuya from reuniting with his true friends. Swim, swim, swim. You've never been enough; you never will be. Please, please, stop thinking, please. Now that Ikuya found his true friends, he wouldn't need you anymore. He never needed you anyway.

His chest burned, from oxygen deprivation, from fatigue, from the bullet wounds wrecking him inside, but he'd finally reached the finish line, back where he started. Ikuya was there when he looked up, the same beautiful smile on his face, his hand reaching out to Hiyori. For a short, blissful second, it was as if they were transported back to the summer they first met, when Hiyori discovered the person who would become the centre of his world. He smiled, his heartbeat erratic. Funny how being lovestruck and heartbroken could could rouse the same reactions. A sob escaped his mouth, and he pretended he was just trying to catching his breath.

The world spoke in mysterious ways. He and Ikuya both had swam so far, only to return to the starting line. Ikuya would go back to his Iwatobi teammates, and Hiyori would go back to being alone. That was the way swimming worked, and that was the way life worked.

He grabbed Ikuya's outstretched palm and let him pull him out. He smiled his best smile, the smile that had blossomed on his face the first time he saw Ikuya. He smiled at everyone, at Nanase, at Tachibana, at Shiina. Around him, the hubbub of the crowd and the lapping waves of the pool continued, the way the world continued, oblivious to the pain of one, insignificant person.