Searching for The Stage

Christmas Eve

The snow was still falling. It would definitely be a white Christmas this year even if it didn't snow. The ground was covered in snow. How was I going to get the train to my grandparents in this? Every mode of transportation would surely be cancelled. I was wishful thinking. I didn't want to spend Christmas here, anyway. I didn't want it to be Christmas at all.
"Santa came early." Dolly burst through my door with loads of presents. "Your Christmas presents. Mum is doing you pigs in blankets for the journey and I'm coming with you. Except mum doesn't know that bit."
"You have to stay here. Spend it with Will and James and Rupert. This isn't your punishment."
"And it shouldn't have to be yours either." Dolly's eyes were sad. She did have a point but I'd reached the emotion of not caring anymore. They were, after all, adults.
I shrugged at Dolly as I pushed my covers away. I started to take down the decorations. Dolly tried to stop me but there wasn't any point in her trying. Don't cry. Tears welled in my eyes. Do not cry. Dammit. Tears slid down my face. I ran out of my room with a hand over my mouth only to bump into Tristan.
"I thought I might see you here." He smiled down at me.
"Well done. It is my house." Tristan laughed. He handed me a parcel.
"Merry Christmas." The small box had a label on it. "Elliot was going to bring it over but he's really poorly." I checked the label and it was off Tristan. The exchanging of this gift made it feel like we were betraying Elliot.
Ripped paper and the ribbon was all over the floor once I had opened the parcel. It was a box from my favourite jewellers. Inside was a heart pendant. It was simple but beautiful. Tristan withdrew another box from his pocket and inside this one was a delicate chain, clearly made of white gold.
"I can't take this." But I made no move to give it back.
"I'll put it on for you." Tristan took the boxes off me and went behind me. My hair was swept to the side by him and as his fingers grazed against my bare shoulder, I felt a wave go through me. It wasn't guilt. This felt like anything but wrong. Why didn't it feel wrong?
The necklace was clasped around my neck but Tristan made no move to walk away. Instead his firm lips planted a kiss on the side of my neck, leaving a trail all the way up to my ear. I twisted around to tell him to stop but we were too close together. Our lips crashed together and it felt as if there was nothing I could do, except go along with it. I wanted to go along with it.
Tristan's tongue slipped into my mouth. I groaned as we roamed each other with our mouths and hands. He was a lot more experienced than me. He knew what he was doing. I didn't.
"Jump." I did as he said. He grabbed my legs and indicated for me to wrap them around him. We were against the hallway's wall. This felt so right. Except I felt tingly all over. I couldn't stop kissing him or feeling his skin underneath his tshirt. I felt so dirty. Like I was covered in mud and I had to have my blood purified.
"I can't do this. I can't do this to your brother. You shouldn't be able to either." I settled back onto the ground, smoothed out my pyjama top and headed back to my room where Dolly was stood in the doorway. Shock. She'd obviously seen. She couldn't say anything. It was an accident. Impulsive. I had to get out of here and to my grandparents before I did anything else stupid enough to get myself alone without any friends.
+++
"Mum. Come on. I'm ready to go."
"Aren't you going to say goodbye to your friend?" Mum looked at me questioningly.
"I already did." I walked towards the door and opened it up. The air hit me but not as much as the guilt I felt once I'd left Tristan behind. How could I be such a bitch to Elliot?
The car ride to the train station was quiet. Silence. It weighed down on all of us for different reasons.
I was there. I said goodbye to mum and then headed towards the right platform. The train was in. Good timing. I smiled at the timing and then searched for a free seat. There was a free seat with a table. I went to sit down and there was a person already there that I hadn't seen. "Oh sorry." I mumbled an apology.
"It's okay. Join me." I sat next to the person. She was the same age as me or there about. She had a friendly aura. I sat down next to her. She held out her hand. "I'm Dina." She smiled. I shook her hand. "Robyn." She looked at what I was wearing and at my really expensive travel bag. She winced through her cheesy smile. "Nice to meet you Robyn."
"You too." We fell into silence as the train set off.
"I'm going back home." Dina attempted to make small talk.
"I'm going to my grandparents."
"Oh." Dina ducked her head in a vague understanding that I didn't really want to go into it.
It was an hour until I got to the place where I wanted to go. Well, it wasn't as if I had a choice.
"Can I have your number?" Dina asked.
"Sure." I rattled off my number as she quickly typed it into her phone. "Talk later." I hopped of the train with my travel bag and my box.
At the train station, my grandfather was there. "Hey Robyn." He held out his arms. I hugged him. "I've told gran to get a hot chocolate ready." I nodded. "I know it's difficult but me and your grandma will make this Christmas the best one yet." He gave me a squeeze and then took the box off me. We headed towards his car.
+++
"Oh Robyn." Grandma rushed over. She squeezed my cheeks. "I hope you still like gingerbread." She moved aside to show me a full tray of decorated gingerbread men. I licked my lips and inhaled the smell. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as I first thought.
"Why don't you two get warm by the fire and I'll bring you my treats." Me and grandad went into the room.
They had downgraded to a small cottage that felt safe and warm, not at all like their old horrible too cold house. Had I been given different grandparents?
I put down my bag and sat in front of the fire that was burning. A log fire. Perfect. This was a proper Christmas already. There weren't many trimmings or decorations but there was a tree in the hall as you walked in and baubles and tinsel trailed along the fireplace. It wasn't too fancy because it didn't need to be. Maybe being here for Christmas would be good for me.
"Run, run as fast as you can." Grandma came in with a plate full of gingerbread men. "I'll get you a very festive drink. Hot chocolate with cinnamon. You still like that don't you?" I nodded up at grandma. "Oh good. Glad to see you still have amazing taste." Her eyes landed on the necklace that lay against my chest.
"That's beautiful. Who gave you that?"
"Oh my best friend gave this to me." I had to lie. I couldn't say it was Elliot, and I couldn't admit it was from Tristan.
"Oh well that's lovely. She must have a lot of money." I pulled my lips together. "I'll have to have a word with your mother. Does she know you got this?"
"Yes! I mean, she saw it today. She saw me open it." I pulled my shoulders up to my neck and smiled.
"Ah. Okay. Well. Drink up. That journey must have worn you out."
"Is it okay if I take these upstairs?"
"Of course sweetheart. Let your mum know you're here safe first though deary. She does make a fuss."
"I don't know why. She was the one that sent me here as a punishment." I snapped. Grandma's face dropped and so did my stomach.
"As a punishment? She didn't tell us that part."
"Well, I skipped school the other week and she didn't want me for Christmas, or something." That wasn't quite the right way of telling the whole story. It gave a very biased opinion of the events.
"Oh, well. It's Christmas. Time to forgive and forget." Grandma patted me on my shoulder. "Head upstairs and have a sleep. You look exhausted." I yawned and thanked her. I pecked her on the cheek and then headed upstairs.
I went to the only other bedroom in the house and headed in there. It felt as if I was always sleeping to get away from my problems. I needed to do something else to get rid of my problems. I'd already tried a journal but I only ever ended up scribbling angrily across the page. It didn't seem to help. Sleeping helped but it couldn't be good sleeping all the time.
I saw some scissors on the side in the bathroom. Probably so grandad could trim his nose hairs. I took them in my hand and then my eye caught sight of a box of hair dye. Black. I looked into the mirror above the sink and then started to cut at my hair. The hair that once fell down to the middle of my back now barely reached my shoulders.
I then disposed of as much hair as I could. If I looked different, I should feel different, right? I then wet my hair with the shower head and opened the box of dye. I rubbed it into my scalp and made sure that all of my hair was covered in black dye. My mother was going to kill me. I smirked as I sat up and wrapped my hair in a brown towel. It was thinning so I figured grandma wouldn't mind.
"Robyn. It's time for some teatime." With the towel on my head, I creaked down the stairs.
"No towel-heads at this table." Grandad smiled and then yanked the towel off my head. They both gasped.
"What on earth have you done?" Grandma had a hand to her mouth. "Oh, Robyn. Is this you rebelling?" She stroked a hand across what remained of my hair.
"No. I just wanted a change and I'm tired of being plain old Robyn with auburn hair and blue eyes. The dancer girl from a rich family." I sat down at the table and ate my sandwich. Piccalilli and Wensleydale cheese. My favourite.
"You had such lovely hair." Grandma sighed.
"Pearl. Leave it. The girl wanted to do it. It's not as if she can put it back on and take the dye off." Grandad smiled at me from across the table.
My phone bleeped as I got onto the second half of my sandwich.
Hey Rob. You get to your grandparents okay?
I thought it might be off Elliot or Amelia but it wasn't. It was off Tristan.
Yes. Safe and sound :)
Kissing you was wrong. I'm sorry. Friends?
Sure. Elliot can't find out though xx
My brother will never know. I sighed in relief and smiled thankfully.
+++
"The earlier you two go to bed, the quicker Christmas will come." Grandma chided as she hobbled upstairs in her nightgown.
"Yes." Me and grandad replied in a bored synchronised voice.
She disappeared up the stairs. "Sweets anybody?" Grandad shook a tub of Quality Street as soon as grandma was out of sight. I smiled and ran over to the tub to steal all my favourites.