black & white

beautiful

a couple of months passed.

I was slowly starting to feel more like my old self again. trinity was growing a little bit every day, and jack and I were happy.

we had started the process of planning our wedding; we wanted something small and simple without a lot of fuss.

"why don't we just have it here? we can decorate the backyard and set up a party space for the reception. it'll be nice and private," I said.
"that's a nice idea. we'll decorate it any way you like, okay?" jack said, kissing my forehead. I sat at our kitchen table holding trinity, and I was looking at pictures of wedding dresses on my phone.

"jack, what kind of dress would you like to see me in?" I asked.
"I think that should be your decision, baby. I think you look beautiful in anything, but all that matters is that you like it."
I sighed; my self-esteem had bottomed out since having the baby because my body didn't look the same; I hadn't exactly bounced back as I'd hoped I would.

"jane, what's the matter?" he asked, having noticed my sad expression.
"nothing," I lied.
"jane."
"are you sure you want to get married right away, jack?"
"where did that come from?"

I was still battling my unpredictable emotions and I'd started to cry.
"jane, hey. what's the matter?" he said, concerned. he took trinity from me and laid her in her bassinet on the floor, and he wiped my tears away.

"jack, I haven't lost any weight since having the baby and I'm just so, so insecure. the thought of a wedding dress terrifies me and having to be in front of a bunch of people at the wedding just gives me so much anxiety. and I'm scared to be intimate with you especially in a honeymoon type of way because I'm worried it won't be the same or as good because my body just isn't the same anymore. I'm sorry."

I started sobbing uncontrollably.

"jane, baby, hey," he said, wrapping his arms around me. "I don't care about that. you carried our daughter for nine months, do you not realize how amazing that is? and besides, I don't love you for your body, I love you for you. I think you're beautiful because your soul is beautiful. I don't care what your body looks like."

I rested my head on his shoulder and cried some more. he rubbed my back and held me while I cried, pressing gentle kisses to my neck to comfort me.

"you're my rock, jack," I whimpered. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, jane. I'll always be here for you. always."

♤

my mother had taken me wedding dress shopping, and I'd burst into tears more than once.

"janie, you looked beautiful in all those dresses," she said, trying to comfort me.
"no, I didn't. I looked awful. I hate this," I sobbed, getting into my mother's car. "I just want to go home."
"jane, may I offer you a suggestion?"
"I guess."
"why don't you and jack get married at the courthouse by a wedding official? it's more casual and very private, and you can wear whatever makes you feel most comfortable."

"I just don't want to disappoint jack," I said, wiping my tears.
"I think jack will want to do what works best for you. he loves you and he wants you to be happy," she said.

♤

"that's completely fine."

"are you sure? I was scared that you'd be disappointed."
"not at all. I just want you to be happy," jack said, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "we'll go, we'll be married, and everything will be fine."
"you're sure?" I asked him.
"of course. and it'll be quicker than a traditional wedding," he said, smirking at me. "I really just can't wait to be married to you."

"impatient, much?" I asked, poking fun at him.
"only a little," he said, meeting my gaze. he was looking at me differently.

jack gently pressed his lips to mine, and I felt his arms go around my waist. he kissed me for a long time, and I felt something I hadn't felt in what seemed like forever. we carefully made our way to the bedroom, his hands wandering.

my heart was racing and my stomach was doing somersaults. jack's hands reached for the hem of my shirt, and I laid my hands over his, gripping them tightly.
"I have to warn you that I don't look the same anymore," I said, breaking away from the kiss.

"jane, I promise you're beautiful. please try your best to believe me." he pressed his lips to mine again and I loosened my grip on his hands.

before I knew it, we were both naked and he was on top of me, pressing warm kisses to every square inch of my body, making me feel loved and safe.

he made gentle, passionate love to me and needless to say, I got some of my self confidence back that night.