bittersweet | taekook

one

i advise you to stop reading if you require trigger warnings for the theme of depression.

the feeling of emptiness is what always drained his body of energy. his limbs moved one by one, but there wasn't much thought put to it – they were just the meaningless actions of operating in order to survive. to get food on the plate. to gather the oxygen into the lungs before adding on the occasional stroke of nicotine to suffocate the empty jars that aren't supposed to be intoxicated with the poison.

that's why jeongguk was meaninglessly kicking pebbles across the road without a second thought – his foot was automatically outstretched to watch the pebble fall off the road before plunging into the water. perhaps he'd be able to do the same one day.

he was currently positioned at the foot of a bridge, each step leading him closer to the centre of his safe place. whilst the majority of 'normal' humans admired having rooftops or secret bunkers as their safe place, jeongguk preferred to be out in the open where all of the eyes of the public could witness the extent of his loneliness.

why? having been abandoned by friends at a young age, jeongguk never grasped out for the opportunity to find interests that were the same as those kids – gaming consoles, comics, nature. whatever it was, jeongguk wasn't interested. he was always alone.

therefore, on the journey that followed his path, jeongguk could easily capture the eyes of passing cars. the blinks of lights would shine upon him momentarily; pleasing him with the moment of spotlight, but once it passed, he was in the dark once more.

with the countless adults that passed by him in the safety and warmth of their car, jeongguk wanted to maintain eye contact with them for the longest split second. he wanted to engrave the face of a pained human being into their brain, so that they can enjoy the rest of the night in nothing but guilt. why guilt? so that they can regret not being able to help him. as if part of their daily routine, they'd pass the boy each evening without helping him. they looked at him with pitiful eyes, ignoring his dull pair. then they'd leave.

a lonely teenager positioned at the exact same place and the same time every night without fail. with the knees brought up to his face whilst his back was being supported with the wall that threw countless chills onto the boy, jeongguk discovered that this was his 'safe place'. the coldness would engulf him; pricking his skin like knives (that time and time again had been placed onto the precious skin, yet he was never able to go deep).

jeongguk wanted all those adults to know what has become of their society – a place full of broken people who can't do anything but accept the everlasting pain of torment that has been tearing their hearts apart. he wants them to know that despite all of their efforts, there's nothing you can do to help some people if they've been ignored by their parents throughout their entire childhood just because "he's a child so he won't bother to listen to us either way."

help. that's funny, because there's nothing to help jeongguk with. all the countless therapists and counsellors assigned to him had attempted to 'help' him with the 'problem' inside his brain, but jeongguk couldn't bear to look them in the eye. his parents were disappointed with the same set of news time after time again, each word sounding like a rehearsed script. "sorry, but jeongguk won't open up. there's nothing we can do to help him if he doesn't talk to us. good luck."

that was the main reason why they were giving up on their only child; hoping that he'd overcome the phase inside his mind before coming to his senses and living a normal life. hanging out with friends was the normal thing to do at the age of seventeen – not sneaking out past midnight just to spend a few hours at the bridge that's been able to provide more comfort than his own parents.

there were times when jeongguk would fall asleep in his own arms; head against the concrete that turned out to be more comfortable than the non-existent pillow his parents provided for him. the sound of waves lapping against each other turned out to be more pleasing in comparison to the countless yells of his mother; complaining about the lack of money in their account due to having 'wasted' it all on the 'stupid therapists'.

at least the water underneath him was more peaceful than his own soul; having found the comfort of the neighbouring waves with the sound of a splash. they all merged into one, like a few strokes of a paintbrush along an empty canvas.

jeongguk would be able to get rest for a few hours knowing that the earth was more alive than his own soul.

whilst many people simply slept their minds away at night before resuming with their lives, jeongguk was only able to continue his life at the stroke of the night when the sky was dark, and his thoughts were empty. the nightly visitation would be a ritual that he'd complete every time before getting up at the tinge of sunlight that would momentarily blind his eyesight – having stared at it for too long on accident.

but on this night – with the flutter of his eyes shutting, he felt more warmth than on any other night. upon casting his eyes open when the sunlight started appearing, jeongguk felt an extra layer of clothing resting on his shoulders. of course, it's just physical warmth.

jeongguk shook his shoulders whilst trying to pry it off his shoulders since he didn't appreciate being classed as a homeless person. he has no ill intention towards them of course, but he didn't ask for anybody's help.

jeongguk threw the jacket onto the ground and stood up without asking his brain to do it; just like how his hands automatically brushed off the dirt from his trousers and how he smoothened out his hoodie, jeongguk was able to start relishing his morning. with a mind like his, there was nothing he could ever relish.

only, his morning was interrupted by the cast of a glance onto a sleeping figure rested beside his original spot.

it was a male his age – probably the same one who provided jeongguk with the coat. the male's lips were clasped shut into a thin line and his eyebrows were furrowed, hands slightly shivering as a consequence of the lack of heat, having donated the only source of heat to jeongguk for the night.

jeongguk raised an eyebrow and sighed, wondering why somebody had suddenly decided that jeongguk was going to be their sleeping buddy.

he shoved his hands into the pocket without a single ounce of hesitation and immediately turned his back to the stranger. jeongguk lowered his head to feel the breeze prickle against his skin once more, then his limbs started moving once again.

the feeling of emptiness is what always drained his body of energy.