"Unable or unwilling?"
When I saw those words, I thought of him. Again.
What's new anyway? Its not a shocker for any of my friends, even God, that I am not done fawning over him. Fawn? Maybe that is what they all think of me. A stupid girl chasing a guy of her dreams who doesn't want her.
We don't know that, I don't know that. God does. He does.
Does he like me or not?
"Sorry, I'm not ready."
Those words kept ringing in my ears like a fucking dribbling drum we hear in horror movies. It's somewhat chasing you, unstopping, un-fucking-bending. Haunting.
That obviously didn't answer the question, right?
Just a yes or no.
"I don't like anyone."
That passed my mind. The made the ringing stopped. Then its a no. huh.
He just made freaking excuses saying hes not ready when the truth is, he just doesn't want me.
And that- that is so fucking- no, maybe I'm just using profanity because I am angered?
Why am I angry?
Self, have you forgotten the purpose of why you confessed to him? It wasn't to be loved but so he can be love. So he knows.
But why- all of a fucking sudden it became more than that?
Why didn't you stopped?
Why hoped?
Why hope?
Is this love?
Love that freaking kill oneself just to give?
And the crazy thing is, I don't mind at all.
So what if I lose myself? So what? As long as he knows he is loved, as long as I can fucking cheer him up, as long as I made him believe he is important, that is all that matters.
But it all came crashing down when I realized how stupid I was. Not because of liking (loving?) him, but because he lied. He made me stupid, I was a fool for believing him.
He lied.
He's words were untruthful.
And now when I think about it, his words and actions aren't aligned. How negative his words are, that's how positive his actions are.
I remembered all the things I have done for him. To make him feel important because he says he wasn't. To make him feel loved because he denied he was.
I believed in him.
And I- I am a fool.
When I realized how my worries were futile because his words are lies, ALL ARE LIES!
Why did he lied?
His words are confusing, making me worried when he was really fine.
And I believed, I trusted him.
And it's funny how we blame those who believed rather than those who made us believed.
Well, who's to blame?
"Omygosh, I'm making our friends hate him because I kept forcing myself on him."
"Giiiirl, don't hate him, he's not at fault. It's not his fault he doesnt have feelings for me."
"Don't hate him girl, it's my fault I couldnt stop."
All those times I blamed myself to clean his name up.
How stupid.
Liar.
He's a fucking liar.
And I believed, I cared, I fucking liked a liar.
Lies.
And still, I like(love?) him.
Stupid.
