left unsaid.

Letter 1, 3/18/14

3/18/14

Hanna,

It's Jacson here. I'd like to apologize in advance for the splotches on the paper. I couldn't help the tears that fell before I could catch them.

They sent me to a psychiatrist today. Apparently I'm not handling this as well as I should be. But how could I?

Its only been 20 days, 3 hours, 5 minutes and 45 seconds since you've vanished from my life.

I miss you. So so much.

Fuck the tears are coming again.

I feel so weak, without you here. You were my rock. The only anchor I had. You were my first and only love. My best friend. You were everything I had and I didn't want anything or anyone else. There will never be anyone better than you. You were it. You were my soulmate.

Dr. Rockfield says that eventually this storm, and hurt, will pass. She says that getting over you doesn't seem too good right now (The bottles that litter our apartment agree) and that I might not be able to imagine it now.. But she believes that I can overcome the dread and pain soon. She says that I don't need to forget about you, that it was never in her plan for me to, but that I will one day be able to get up with a smile on my face and live a day without wanting to give up on myself.

I told her that I didn't want to wake up with a smile on my face if you weren't beside me.

She gave me a sad smile that could never match what I was feeling and looked away.

Even she doesn't know how to deal with me.

The only good thing that came out of therapy today was her idea. She told me to write a letter to you, everyday. And that I should bring it to you.

So here I am, writing this. I promise that I will never miss a day. I will never forget you, I will never stop loving you, no matter what Dr. Rockfield says.

I hope that you have that beautiful smile of your face right now (the one that made your one dimple appear and you nose scrunch in that adorable way) and that you can laugh your contagious and melodic laughter (it was so beautiful, even when you sounded like a piglet). You must be. Hardly a second passed when you weren't doing one of the two.

I'm sorry love, but I have to leave you now. I'll be back tomorrow. I have so many things I wish I could have told you. I'm trying to now, but the words won't come out the way I want them too. You should see the pile of scrapped papers that are in the trash. You always left me speechless, now more so than ever.

You have no idea how much I wish you could fall asleep in my arms once again, beautiful girl.

  -Jacson

(P.s. Don't forget that I love you baby girl)

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Hello there and welcome to my newest story! I know Jacson seems kinda loony right now, but he really isn't, I promise! There's a lot for you to figure out and a lot for me to write. I know not a lot of people will get to see this story, but for those who do, thank you so much for reading! Any feedback is welcome. 

-Rosey