A one fleeting encounter

Epilogue

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I've lost too many people in my life— in inevitability of death and circumstances, in untimely encounters— and I know, it's beyond my control or anyone's to bring them back, no matter how much I ask, no matter how much I solemnly pray. And sometimes, it's hard to accept the fact that things will turn out the other way, that there are still people who might stay—those who wouldn't think leaving as a choice.

First, my sister. Kahit hindi ko siya naalagaan o nasilayan, alam ko na dumating pa rin siya sa buhay ko—sa buhay namin. Maraming nawala nung bigla siyang kinuha, maraming nasaktan. Minsan nga iniisip ko, bakit mas malalim pa yung sakit—bakit mas nagtagal kaysa sa kasiyahan? Bakit siya ibinigay para lang bawiin agad. In times of me—throwing hatred and spite in life— I keep saying, as if by chants, that unlike her, I still have my life. Unlike her, there's so much more to see for me; there's so much more to experience; there's so much more chances to fill in my lungs with enough air as a reminder that I am able. So although it's hard, I try not waste it. I promised to her and to myself na hindi ko na ulit sasayangin yung pribelehiyong mabuhay para lang maging malungkot.

I tried, earnestly, to cope.

In everyday, I remind myself that she's still with us. And in every life that I see, I pretend to see her face in them just so she can stay longer. Just so I can be persistently reminded of her short, yet, significant life. And even though, sometimes, the reasons weren't enough for me to live by this promise, little by little, by paying attention to anything around me, I managed to go on with enough kindness.

I asked—for every people I have met and will come to meet, how many of them were imprisoned and defined mostly by their past? How many of them have felt that they were alone in filling the void left by someone they can't and wouldn't forget? How many of them are opted to live on?— in order to feel less obsessed in attaining happiness. Minsan, nakakagaan malaman na lahat may pinagdaraanan, na hindi lang ikaw yung hindi pinalad. In that smallest sense of relief, I know, it's a selfish thing to say, but that's how I saw you.

I was gravitated towards you, because you seemed so distorted and thinly veiled in an emotionally distant person. Because, as far as I have known you before you even realized my existence, I've already seen how beautiful you were in all sense that transcends superficialities. But of course, anyone can be seen in a different light— in a different sense of beauty. It's just me, being observant.

I wanted to say—if only I could've had the chance and the courage— that No, you weren't any less of a woman. Just because you embrace your femininity doesn't mean you flaunt it for everyone's preying eyes. They are wrong, I'd scorn, whenever I hear that comments in the hallway. No, you weren't someone who leeches on people because you need them for your own convenience. In fact, people mostly get away from you having more for themselves—peace, solace— than you for yourself. You've always been a crying shoulder everyone can lean into. You've always been there for them. But who is there for you? I would also whisper in the end after Gevin talked about you unceasingly. No, you weren't bad just because you seemed tough. It's not your fault for being so used of living in an untapped boundary meant for resistance and imagined safety. Kahit na wala akong alam kung bakit ka laging pilit na hindi ngumingiti, alam ko, laging may rason kung bakit.

You weren't someone's painting—a conjured imaginary being created by people who only look for something to materialize their deepest hatred for themselves. You are you, in ways you —we, I—couldn't see and in ways you haven't yet realized.

You are a person capable of being anyone—unmeasured, unbounded, undefined. At least, that's how I believed everyone was built upon. It's just thoroughly presumptive to box a person within descriptions, and if anyone who will do it, I think they're the ones who hold themselves so highly to the point of reaching the peak of untamed arrogance.