Dear diary, I don't know if I can keep up with the pace of my pain, it's running in every single direction in my brain.
Maybe I'm insane, or maybe I'm the only one who isn't blind to the pain that I feel inside, the pain and the voices that makes me wanna die.
I was a normal little kid, oblivious to the world, oblivious to the scars and the shame that built up on my skin, that built up on my shoulders.
It got so heavy it felt like a boulder that I was carrying on my own, with a few things running beside me reminding me that I'll never make it up the mountain of my tears and my fears, reminding me that I'm just a part of a sick cruel game, my character will loose, I no longer have hope, I lost that years ago.
At the age of five, my parents made me sit down and watch all these religious things, bloody and scary, no matter how much I cried and became traumatized they never turned it off, they never asked if I was alright, they never even looked me in my brown eyes. Nearly six, my parents said I looked pregnant and my brother was in the other room laughing because of this, throughout all the years in my life all the pain built up on my shoulders is starting to show, I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't cry anymore because all my tears ran dry.
Every night as a child I'd cry myself to sleep, reminding myself how nobody loves me. The only thing I had that kept me happy, was my two dogs; Chase and Dolly.
Chase was in an equal amount of pain, as a pup his tail got cut off and got neglected by his family, Dolly was my sweet little girl, she was old and she was quiet but she was always there to help the tears stop falling from my dark brown eyes. She was like an absolute angel to me, she would spend more time with me, more then anybody in a lifetime.
She was my baby girl, old and fragile, but still my little pup, she loved and cared about me, Dolly was my angel sent from heaven. She was the only thing I would call a blessing from god.
She'd curl up with me on some nights and convince me to sleep, she'd wake me up and make me follow her so I could eat, she could sense my pain and struggles, she was trying to help me.
Chase jumped on me everyday when I got home from school, he'd greet me with that toothy smile I'll never forget, he was my baby boy, my energetic little pup.
He could tell that I was weak and tired, even if I was still little. He was as gentle as he could be with me, he never bit me or growled at me. I remember my big baby boy cuddling up on my lap, I remember touching his soft golden fur, despite me being down all the time, him and my sweetheart Dolly would raise my spirits.
One day, Dolly was so scared to go outside, I was worried and confused, she was more grouchy and mean, growling at me, I didn't know what had happened to my baby girl.
Chase had seemed weak and tired, I tried to get him outside to play, but he kept lying on the floor, ignoring me. He no longer barked or jumped when I got home, I was scared and concerned, this wasn't my big puppy.
Mother and father sent Dolly away to a farm, and I couldn't ever go to see my little girl.
Mother and father gave Chase away to a family far away from where I know.
I miss my babies.
