Bad at Love

Prologue

Prologue

Tinungga ko ang lamang alak ng baso ko. Nang maubos tumayo ako at humalo sa mga taong nagsasayawan sa dance floor. I dance, not minding the people around me. I go with the flow with everyone. I dance with stranger, I even forced a smile when someone smiles at me. I try to have fun and forget why I'm here in a bar alone and trying to feel not lonely.

I let myself be drown with what's happening around me. I don't wanna be lost with my own thoughts. I don't want to question myself again what went wrong? Am I not enough? I erased those thoughts. I try to have fun I try so much. I try to forget that my heart is breaking but I couldn't.

Umalis ako sa dance floor, I went to the bar counter and ask for a shot of tequila.

Umupo ako sa stool habang naghihintay.

"Girl forget about him!" I overheard.

"I can't I love him so much."

Napangisi ako. Looks like I'm not the only one who's broken here.

"You can. You know what they say? That in order for you to forget someone else, you need to get under someone else."

"What the fuck?!"

Same girl! What the fuck?!

But is that really effective?

Napanguso ako.

I want to forget him. It's been weeks since he left me. While he's already happy with someone else I'm still here stuck where he fucking left me.

Agad kong dinampot ang baso ng alak na nilapag ng bartender sa harap ko at uminom.

Maybe I should try to get myself under someone else. I don't want to think about Lucian anymore.

In two years of being together, mas maraming beses niya pa akong pinaiyak kesa pinasaya. I want to forget all the pain.

But I think getting myself under someone else is plain bullshit.

Pinaglaruan ko ang basong hawak ko habang iniisip kung bakit ba ako nandito. It's because of Lucian. That cheater!

It's been two weeks since he left me when I caught him cheating on me again for the nth time. And I'm really stupid to love him for two years kahit na paulit-ulit lang siya nangangako na magbabago sa tuwing mahuhuli ko siyang niloloko ako. Sa sobrang tanga ko, umaasa pa ako na babalik ulit siya sa nakalipas na dalawang linggo. Tanga talaga kasi patatawarin ko na naman alam ko. Kasi mahal ko siya. Bakit ko ba siya minahal? Oo nga pala kasi sobrang bait pero ilang buwan lang ang nakalipas nagbago siya only to find out that he's cheating on me. Na papatawarin ko na mauulit na naman and the cycle continues for two years but this time it's really over. We're really over.

And here I am trying to get over him. By going here alone to occupy my lonely night with loud music to stop thinking about him. But here I fucking am. Still fucking thinking about him! What the fuck!

Inis na ininom ko ang alak sa basong hawak ko at humingi pa ulit ng isa.

I should really stop thinking about him! I should! I should!

Nang maubos ulit ang alak sa baso ko. Tumayo ulit ako. I will dance. Maybe I should find someone to talk to.

Ramdam ko ang pag alon ng paningin ko ng maglakad. I stopped walking. Should I find someone else to talk to? Or go home? I don't think it's really wise to drink and getting drunk alone.

Oh fuck! I need to go home. I have something to do tomorrow!

After all I'm here not to get drunk but not to be alone and getting swallowed by the loneliness in my condo unit.