✞ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑔𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑒 ✞

v

draco needed help-he needed someone who wouldn't judge him. he had bottled up so many feelings and pushed back so many thoughts he knew he would start to cry at any given second. he walks around, glancing at all the fourth years he knew the names of. he picked out which ones knew his father or had some sort of connection-that meant no one from slytherin, then-he didn't know a lot of hufflepuff's so that wouldn't work; there was no way he'd pick ravenclaw because well-they were too smart. that left one house. gryffindor. he looked at the gryffindor table, harry wasn't an option, neither was weasley or longbottom. he scanned and he scanned until finally, he decided.

"granger," he spoke quietly, as to not spook her.

"malfoy?" she replied, her tone suspicious.

"can i talk to you about something? it's quite urgent but you mustn't tell anyone about it." he speaks quickly, her brows furrowing in concentration.

"malfoy, are you in danger? are you okay?" she asks, her tone wavering to worried with every word she spoke.

"can we discuss this privately, please?" he mumbles, nodding vaguely to the other side of the courtyard where no one was to be seen. she nods, following him over to sit under a tree.

"what is it then? what has got you so worked up that the only person you think to talk to is me?"

"i just-i've got these feelings and these thoughts and i have no clue what they mean and it's stressing me out because i've never felt more insecure about anything then i do about how i think of potter." he rushes, bringing his knees up to his chest like he always does when he's scared or insecure.

hermione blinks at him, her mouth opening and shutting multiple times before she figures out what to say. "you have feelings for harry?" she asks in a soft tone to let him know this is a safe space-its all between them. he nods at her, his eyes confused and filled with terror. "what kind of feelings, draco?" she continues, watching him shrug helplessly. "tell me how you feel when you're around him." she instructs, listening to his sharp inhale before beginning.

"warm, calm. he makes me feel safe, comfortable. i feel some sort of happiness thinking about him, being around him. it's so weird and i just-i love kissing him. it's like, there's this burn inside of me that only he can soothe. i like it when he holds me, i like it when he pets my hair and tells me things. i like him, i just don't know why or how, and i just-i don't want to get attached because what if my father finds out i'm romantically interested in or involved with a boy? god, he'd hate me more than he already does." it was long and raw, something hermione had never witnessed before. it was such a genuine confession she felt her own heart break just a tiny bit.

she looks at him in the most loving, motherly way that means they're gonna tell you something that you really don't want to hear. "draco, you love him. and it really seems like he loves you too. he's been really content that past few weeks and i'm pretty sure it's because of you. now, your father, tell harry. he won't tell anyone anything if it'll keep you out of danger. he won't even spill his guts to dumbledore when pressed. he'll keep you safe, draco. just tell him."

before she leaves, draco almost shouts one last question. "am i queer?"

"i think that's all up to you, malfoy. but know that none of us-including ron, as bullheaded as he seems-won't support you. and when you figure it out, you can tell harry-or you can tell harry you're questioning yourself-and i promise you with everything i have that he won't let you get hurt. i know what people say about you, draco. but that doesn't mean i believe it." she nods, brushing the leaves off of her robes and smiling at him gently before leaving him.

perhaps he had a feeling what queer meant, now. but he still wasn't completely understanding of the term. maybe he was queer, and maybe that wasn't so bad. but then again, what would his father think? what would his mother think? what would the rest of the school think? just because one nice girl says that the boy he may or may not be in love with will accept him and protect him, doesn't mean he will.

he wants to tell harry all these things-tell him how he feels deep down and how those feelings are coming up more prominent and often. but how was he supposed to do that? he had only a couple of days to get things together before he left home for summer. he hadn't even begun to pack, nor had he figured anything out with himself. maybe he'd tell harry when he got back-if he came back, that is.

he sat in the courtyard the day before he was off back home, reading a book hermione leant to him. out of the corner of his eye, he watches ron saunter up to him, scowl obvious. "look, weaslebee, if you're here to say i'm arrogant, annoying, bitchy or," draco pauses for only a second to swallow the ache in his throat. "queer," the word tasted vile in his mouth, making his stomach churn uneasily. "then you're a bit late to the party. i've been called that last one three times in the past fifteen minutes." he finishes sharply, flipping the page of his book.

"people call you queer?" ron asks suddenly, his voice a bit soft. gentle almost.

draco looks up at him, his eyebrows raised in shock. "do you actually live under a rock? almost everyone in this school has called me a queer." he informs him, his stomach still uncomfortable.

"oh, th-"

"i'm not a fucking queer." he snaps loudly, slamming his book, startling ron.

"bloody hell, mate, calm down. there's nothing wrong with being queer." ron says, recovering quickly from draco's outburst.

"what the ever-loving fuck is a queer, then?" he asks much quieter-a genuine question.

"you don't know?" ron's jaw drops as draco shakes his head. "it's a homosexual mate. someone who's attracted to the same gender as themselves."

draco blinks, not finding the words to respond and just letting ron continue.

"look, i do hate you. but i don't hate you for being queer-if you are, of course. even if you weren't, i wouldn't use slurs against you. and if i'm being totally honest, you seem to have a lot of internalised homophobia. good luck figuring yourself out, mate. and don't hate yourself cause you might be gay."

before he leaves, he turns back around and eyes the book in draco's lap. "i just wanted to know why you had 'mione's book." and then walks away from draco and his pounding thoughts.