The Golden Orb

unpleasant dreams

Song selection: "Time and Space" by Cinematic Orchestra

What is wrong with me, Amery thought as she leaned against the door, breathing hard. What is going on? Standing alone in her bedchamber, Amery could swear the golden ball was glowing and writhing in her hand. The intricate curls undulated around the surface of the orb, pulling her in closer and closer. Without thinking, she stuffed the ball in the chest at the foot of her bed.

The pain continued. Her heart raced and her lungs fought for more air. Amery could feel every place her clothing touched her skin and how her dress, her stockings, her shoes, her belt constricted her. It felt as though her clothes were growing smaller and smaller, squeezing her tight until she might disappear altogether. 

In a moment, Amery pulled her outer shift over her head and left along with everything else it crumpled on the floor as she climbed onto her bed. The young woman curled into a ball as though she could shield herself from the swirling thoughts in her head. Although the change in position did bring some relief, she realized she could hear two distinct voices arguing and a guttural scream that made her body hurt.

Forcing herself to take steady breaths and hum with each exhale, Amery calmed down enough to drift off to sleep--a restless sleep with unsettling dreams. Amery found herself climbing a steep circular staircase she had never seen before. The weight of her clothes felt different, simultaneously more free and more restrictive, and the staircase seemed smaller than the ones she knew from home. Above her, she heard thumping and the crash of sword on sword, some kind of tussle. Climbing faster, she slipped and nearly fell. Steadying herself, Amery began climbing the stairs two by two and, finally making it up to the landing, grabbed the hilt of the sword hanging at her hip and threw open the door.

The room looked to be some kind of library with bookshelves lining the walls with a cauldron sitting off to the side. Overturned tables and chairs were haphazardly strewn around the room. Pieces of parchment were scattered everywhere, causing the two fighting men to slip every now and then. A stocky man with graying hair unsuccessfully parrying the onslaught of the slender blond man's blows. To her surprise, Amery recognized both men, though she did not understand how she knew them. A tall woman stood beside her, deep auburn hair streaming around her shoulders, clutching her mouth with her hand and hugging herself.

"Stop!" Amery cried, in a voice much deeper than her own, and rushed forward into the fray ready to block another blow. It was too late. In a feat of overwhelming strength, the blond man brought the sword down in a crushing strike that sent the stocky man flat on his back. His sword slid across the room and out of reach. Before Amery could stop him, the slender man plunged his sword into his opponent's chest. Behind her, Amery heard a guttural scream. She could feel a sob rising in her throat even as she raised her sword. Instead of being met with a second blade, Amery could feel something sharp hit her head. As she sank to the floor, she could hear sobbing and a menacing laugh.

As soon as the sobbing and laughing faded away, Amery found herself once again climbing the same set of stairs. She moved through the dream sequence in its entirety until the very end. It then began at the beginning, looping around and around until Amery finally woke up.

Initially, she was unaware of how much time had passed. The sky had transformed from pale blue to a mottled pink and purple, but her disorientation lingered until she heard a soft rap on the door.

"Amery, I'm here with your dress."

"You can come in, Maura" she replied, saving her groan until she rolled off of the bed.

The door opened and a tall woman in her early 40s, Amery and Candace's nursemaid, entered the room. Maura's pale blonde hair was swept away from her face and into a single braid that trailed down her back. The blue shift she carried in her arms stood out in sharp contrast against Maura's gray dress. Seeing Amery, she furrowed her brow.

"Are you ill, my lady?"

Amery laughed, weak and shaky to her own ears. She had managed to stand on her feet, wobbling only a little. "My head was hurting this afternoon, so I took a long nap." She spoke evenly, though she swayed. "What time is it?"

Maura raised one eyebrow--the expression Amery and Candace both knew almost as intimately as they knew her smile. "It's almost 7:00," she replied, preparing to help Amery dress. "Were it not for the dinner tonight, I would say you are indisposed," she began, shaking her head. "But we cannot do that again. Not today." Though Amery was not generally a sickly person, she had used the excuse to avoid several revelrous dinners.

A long moment passed as the young woman attempted unsuccessfully to step toward her nursemaid. Maura caught her as she sank to the floor and helped her back to the bed. "Candace needs me there tonight," Amery said at last, holding onto a bedpost.

"Did she really tell you so?" Maura asked, sounding genuinely surprised. She brought the dress over Amery's head, carefully slid each arm in its sleeve, and pulled the dress on, allowing Amery to lean on her as she did so.

The nursemaid stepped away and Amery smoothed the front of her dress. "Not specifically," she answered, noticing how Maura pursed her lips together in disappointment, "but Candace said as much when she told me about the meeting earlier today."

Maura raised her eyebrows but said nothing as she bent down to fix the hem of Amery's gown. Although the nursemaid had been their caretaker as children, she had grown into a confidante of sorts. That day, Maura had borne the brunt of Candace's initial anger after the meeting until she had been called away. Unlike Amery, Maura would redirect Candace's anger instead of absorbing it.

Standing up, Maura walked over to the dress on the ground. "Down by the pond today?" the older woman asked, grabbing Amery's dress with two fingers. Amery opened her mouth to apologize, but Maura laughed. "I really should scold you, but I can't blame you for wanting to leave. The castle feels like it's closing in on all of us these past few weeks." Draping the dress over her arm, she stepped back to look at the young woman. A gentle smile dawned on her face.

"You look lovely, my lady. Are you feeling better?"

"I am," Amery replied, stepping away from the bed. The swimmy feeling in her head had ebbed away. "I just needed to stand for a moment."

The clock in the clocktower began to chime, ringing out the hours that had already passed before finally announcing the new hour.

"I would head on down to the dining hall," Maura said. "You don't want to be late."

Amery nodded, feeling the familiar panic rising within her. Guests or no guests, the king would publicly shame any guest who arrived late. He resented anything that prevented him from eating.

But, as Maura turned to leave, Amery caught her arm. The nursemaid stopped abruptly, looking back at the young woman who couldn't meet her eye.

"Maura . . ." she began, "do you think this will be me someday?"

"How do you mean?"

Amery sighed, frustrated with her inability to say exactly what she meant. She placed her hand on her brow. "I mean with the arranged marriage to the suitor I hardly know and the betrothal agreements and the drunken celebrations and the--all of it. Just, all of it." The young woman lowered her hand and looked directly at her nursemaid. She was met with the blank expression Maura trained the girls to wear when they had to hide in plain sight. "Do you think all of it will be the same with me?"

"My sweet Amery," she replied softly, reaching out to hold the young woman's hand between two of her own and stroking it as she used to long ago when Amery couldn't fall asleep. "Why would you expect anything else?"

Amery nodded. Before the panic could rise up again, Amery quickly quelled it by imagining herself far outside of her body. She was hovering above her bed, watching herself from afar, seeing her body as someone else's body. Some other blank-faced young woman spoke to Maura. Another young woman was wearing her blue dress. Amery wasn't really there. She was far and away. The young woman was in danger, but Amery was safe.

Maura squeezed her hand once and left the room.