𝐌𝐈 𝐀𝐌𝐎𝐑

CHAPTER 1

What do you think about falling in love with a villain?

I find it quite controversial. Some people think it is hot and kinky whereas some think it is against the moral. They say one must worship hero; one must fall in love with hero. They say heroes make sacrifices for the betterment of the world. Aren't they ideal to fall in love with? Well, of course they are!

But then, why did I fall in love with him? Why was I head over heels for him? Why was he, whom people regarded as villain, my hero? May be because I was selfish. May be because I didn't care about the world. May be because I wanted him to sacrifice the world for me and not me for the world. And may be because...I wanted to be his and his only, even before I realized I was in love with him.

I despised him, honestly, I did. But he changed me. He put the world at my feet and I watched myself helplessly handing over my heart to him. My heart was his to break. Never did I think that this would be happening but it did and I was too late to protect my sanity. Well, you see, a bad guy cannot just suddenly turn into an angel. Surely he'll give his best to be the one for you but it just isn't possible for him to change overnight. And what if he never changes...what if he ends up hurting you in the process? Will you be still loving him just the way you did back then? I really don't know...

He made me see heaven and I never regretted choosing him over the world. But our lives were different and when there's no balance in a relationship, it is bound to break, believe it or not. But did I care? No. Do I still want him? Yes. And probably it is going to make you question my mental health but I am not here to justify myself. I know I am a mess, and probably I have already found my home in this mess.

...

Present Day, 26.08.2023

"Amelia, you seriously need to put that ancient piece of cloth in the trashcan. Honestly, I'm fucking tired of seeing your face buried in that thing for God knows how many days. Just get over it! He wasn't good for you anyway."

My grip grows tighter as I keep my face buried in my favorite cardigan. God it still smells just like him. I wonder how...

"Girl! Are you even listening or am I again talking to the wall?!"

I sigh deeply, trying not to smack her right on her face. It's not like she is wrong but right now I am neither interested in her reality check nor in any of her philosophical speeches.

"Amelia-"

"Can you just stop? I'm trying to find a little peace," I say tiredly as I finally look at my best friend, whose face literally screams I-am-so-done-with-you.

I guess she has already noticed the bags under my eyes which I got from having lack of sleep from the previous consecutive nights. I just hope she doesn't bring up that topic-

"PEACE?! YOU ARE NOT EVEN GETTING AN OUNCE OF SLEEP! YOU LOOK LIKE A ZOMBIE!"

-well there she goes...

"I-I just got insomnia," I try to reason with her. "It is not because of him...believe me."

"Believe you, my ass!" she yells. I flinch and close my eyes, hugging the cardigan close to my chest. When my best friend gets scary, it is the cue for me to run the hell out of that place. But on the second thought I realize that she is already blocking my exit. Oh no..Prepare yourself Amelia, shits gonna go down.

"You ain't gonna run away from this conservation, nuh uh not today," she says as a matter of fact.

"Just leave me alone! It's none of your business! Why did you even come here? I was doing f-fine as y-you can see.." For God's sake stop stuttering stupid mouth!

"No, I can't see. Mind giving me those glasses from the desk? Probably my eyes stopped functioning properly since that incident."

"I-"

She bangs on the wall, making me flinch visibly as she starts yelling at me. "JUST SHUT UP AMELIA! YOU DROPPED OUT OF UNIVERSITY, BROKE ALL THE CONTACTS WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY. AND HERE YOU ARE IN YOUR DARK ROOM, WITH NO SLEEP, NO SELF CARE, YOUR FACE PUSHED INTO THAT STUPID PIECE OF CLOTH AND YOU WAILING OVER THAT DICK WHO RUINED YOU. WHY AMELIA?! JUST STOP WITH THESE EXCUSES. I DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO THEM, DO YOU HEAR ME?!"

Few seconds pass. The room suddenly felt too quiet.

Am I making her feel burdened? I sniff as a single tear rolls down my cheek. Pathetic.

"Amelia! Oh no, I'm so sorry honey," she rushes to hug me. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm just worried for you. I- I just can't see you in pain for that douchbag. Please don't waste your tears on him. Look what you've become. It scares me." Her voice breaks as she cradles me in her arms.

"I understand you, Lea...but it isn't easy for me. I promise I'm trying my best to get over him...I just- I just need more time." I look down, feeling guilty for lying my best friend.

Getting over him? What a joke! It's easier said than done. How is it easy to move on from the person whom you have loved oh so dearly? I may not be able to move on from him, because I still desire him, for his tender touch, for his love and attention...but if we ever cross each other's paths, I swear I will give my best to not let myself go through the same sufferings again. I may not be able to hate him but I will never give myself a reason to love him again. He is my past and I will not let my past repeat again.

"How much more time do you need? It has been five goddamn months, and you still keep saying the same shits to me. I'm your best friend honey and it hurts me equally to see you like this, weak and broken," she huffs and looks at me for a while before snatching the cardigan from my hands.

I gasp, feeling sudden emptiness as his only possession gets snatched out of my grip. "Please Lea, don't!" I plead, desperately trying to reach for the cardigan, but she pushes my hands away.

"This needs to go away," she says, looking at me sternly. "Anything that ties you up with him needs to get removed. I will not allow you to mourn over a person who have been nothing but a dick to you. He always intended to use you, Amelia. He never loved you. You were just his deal. It is high time for you to face the truth and accept it."

By now, I was fully sobbing. Where is the lie? I do agree that I was his deal. He never really loved me. I was just a fool...a hopeless romantic, who was blinded by the lies of a deceiver. But then, why did I feel love when he stared at me as if I was the only thing that was keeping him sane? Why did he make me fall in love with him when he could have easily kept me in his custody? Why did he do so much of hard works to gain a place in my heart when he could have easily forced me to be at his feet? I just don't understand...why?

Lea comes and hugs me as I hug her back tighter, burying my face in her shoulder, sobbing loudly. Stop this pain. "Cry as much as you want, bestie. But only for today. Because from tomorrow, you will be making your first step towards healing. And this time, I want you to listen to me instead of your broken heart. Let it rest. Your best friend will do everything on its behalf until it heals completely."

"'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
-Alfred Tennyson